Between Black And White
by eastern.meridian
Summary: AU MerDer Meredith Grey, defense attorney. Derek Shepherd, witness for the prosecution, son of the victim. What can you do with a love that finds you in an unexpected time and place? Can it help you see between black and white?
1. Chapter 1: The Case

_A.N. It's my brand new MerDer story, a little different than what I've written so far in my two other fics and I'm very excited to hear what you think of the concept! __I was inspired by the serial killer arc and couldn't get this idea out of my head. Cheers!_

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_I'm Meredith Grey, __I'm from Seattle and I'm a lawyer. Everyone I know and everyone who knows my mother was shocked when I went to law school. My mother was shocked too. It was assumed that the daughter of the great Dr. Ellis Grey would follow her mother's footsteps. There was just this tiny little problem. I didn't want to be a surgeon, as simple as that. Thinking about cutting people open has never got me excited, whereas imagining myself in the courtroom has. _

_When I told my mother what I had decided she was obviously disappointed but she only said__ I wasn't cut out for surgery, anyway. She said that I was a lamb and a surgeon has to be a lion._

_Well, only people who don't really know me could say I'm a lamb. And my mother… is one of these people. In fact, I am a lion. I have to be a lion to fight for my clients. But right now, when you look at me like that… I do feel like a lamb, a lost one… I'm getting cheesy, you know? I'm getting cheesy, because I thought I'm like a lamb without a… shepherd… funny isn't it? You asked me who I really was and that's my answer, that's my answer…_

_Why did I take the damn case? I guess I inherited something from my mother, the need to save lives. You are a surgeon, you understand__, don't you? Would you put down the scalpel if he was on your table?_

_I just don't __know; I don't know if I can do what you're asking me to do. You have to understand me, I don't know. Sometimes, I wish I had never taken that case because it's painful, this... thing between us, it's tearing me apart… Then again, I wouldn't have met you… and I stop regretting… _

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Derek Shepherd rose impatiently from the plastic chair and began pacing up and down the hospital corridor. He made a few uncoordinated steps to fall heavily back on the chair. Several minutes later, the ritual started again.

Today, this fatal evening, he wasn't the doctor; he wasn't the head of neurosurgical department at Seattle Grace Hospital. Today, he was the patient or even worse, the patient's family, as he got away only with a tiny scratch. He wasn't at the main scene of the horror that played out in his father's store.

Derek hated feeling this helpless and ridiculously inept. He was a surgeon, for God's sake. Only today, the universe reversed and he was the one waiting in fear for the doctors with the news about his father, Michael Shepherd, currently in surgery due to shot wounds.

"He will pull through this," said Mark Sloan, Derek's best friend, clutching the side of his chair so hard that his knuckles went white.

Derek nodded vehemently. He couldn't imagine other outcome. He was glad he didn't have to do the waiting part alone. Mark was like his brother and Michael always regarded him as his sixth child, second son. Their colleagues were hanging close to keep them company.

"Derek," he heard his mother worried voice. He saw her rushing towards him surrounded by his four sisters and two of their husbands. The other two probably stayed at the Shepherd household watching over the children. It was Thanksgiving, one of the occasions that required the entire family in one place, Carolyn and Michael's house.

"Derek," his mother grabbed frantically his arms. "What happened? We were laying the table, waiting for you and someone from hospital called us." She spotted a small cut on his forehead. "Are you all right, sweetie? Where's dad?"

Derek was supposed to help his father close the store so they weren't late for the family dinner. They never made it home.

"What's going on, Der?" asked his sister Nancy.

"I… Mom, I'm ok," he assured her. "But dad…" the words barely made their way through his throat. "He's…"

"Just tell us what's happened?" urged Kathleen, another sister.

"I…" he kept his voice steady. "I was… packing some boxes in the car, dad was just serving the last customers and I…" he made several deep breaths, "and then I heard… these noises and… and… screaming…"

"What does that mean?" asked Nancy.

"I hurried inside, I ran into… this man," an awful face appeared again in his mind's eye. He knocked me to the ground but I got up and inside the shop and… and…" his voice broke down. "Dad, he was… lying there, at the floor… there was… blood…. Everywhere…"

"Derek," Carolyn whispered with a sinking feeling in her stomach. "What- what are you trying to say?"

Derek couldn't utter a word. It was so… surreal and improbable.

"Dad has been shot," explained Mark with a hollow voice. "He's got shot two times. One of the bullets hit him in the abdomen, the other went… through his neck."

His statement was followed by several gasps. All the blood from Carolyn's face drained making it ghostly white. "Where is he? Where's my husband?"

"Mon," Derek hugged her tightly and rubbed her back reassuringly. "He's… They're… He's been rushed into surgery."

"Will he be ok?" asked weakly Alice, the youngest of the sisters.

"We… we need to wait," answered Mark. "We have the best surgeons operating on him. We… we just have to wait."

And so they waited mostly in silence. The surgery seemed to drag on and on.

After what seemed like an eternity, Derek saw Richard Webber striding towards them one look at his boss's face was enough, not just for Derek. Mark and his four sisters were all doctors, his mother was a nurse. They all knew that somber look and heavy gait. They didn't belong to a surgeon who just performed a successful procedure.

"Derek, Mark," sighed Richard. "Carolyn, I'm so sorry. We did everything we could…"

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"You need to have some fun, Mer," said Izzie Stevens to her friend and colleague. "Life is not just about work."

"I know it's not just about work!" Meredith Grey rolled her eyes. "I do have fun and I'm happy with my life."

"But we aren't," sighed dark-haired Cristina Yang. "You don't even get laid anymore. It's bad. Seriously, I'm ambitious but you're pushing all the limits."

Meredith fumed inside. True, she had worked on several time-consuming cases recently. So what? She was still pretty much at the beginning of her career path as a lawyer and she needed to make an extra-effort to build renown for her name.

"I hope the meeting's starting fast," muttered Mer.

"You see!" squeaked Izzie. "You're a workaholic. You've reached the stage of addiction."

Meredith truly wasn't a workaholic. It was just that there wasn't anything else to fill her days with. Work constituted the steady element in her life. Everything else sucked, her so-called family, her relationships… Her friends didn't if they weren't overbearing.

"Morning everyone," their boss, Adam Mitchell finally entered the conference room. He had been awaited by his team of 20 lawyers who just like every morning were to be assigned new cases.

"Firstly," he said, "we've received a fax from the agency. They need a defender."

Few people raised their hands. The public defender's job meant a lot of work and little gain.

"Wait till I explain," warned them Mitchell. "Not an easy case. They have a problem finding someone to undertake it. You heard about William Dunn?"

"Yesterday's shooting?" asked Cristina.

"Exactly."

Meredith raked her memory to recollect what she had heard about the case. It was the topic number one on the news. The man called William Dunn entered a store in the suburbs the previous day, took out a gun and started shooting. He killed two people – the shopkeeper and a customer.

The tragedy shocked the public opinion and everything indicated that the prosecution would go for the most severe punishment, the capital sentence.

"Any volunteers?" asked Mitchell halfheartedly. He didn't want his people on this case; it was a dead-end street. He would just call the agency that his firm couldn't take care of it. The prosecution had an easy job; William Dunn was as good as dead.

Meredith Grey felt her heart rate rising. It was a crazy idea that had just crossed her mind. Every law firm had been dumping the case and the man should have got legal assistance hours ago. He was being dumped like a piece of trash. He was a criminal, a murderer of innocent people but Meredith couldn't help feeling… pity. Everyone had already assumed him sentenced and it seemed inhumane. She really shouldn't do that. It could slow down her career. Nevertheless, her hand shot up in the air with a shiver of excitement.

"I… I'll take it," she said as every pair of eyes in the room stared at her curiously.

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"Grey," Mitchell called after Meredith while the employees of the Mitchell & Sons law firm were filing through the door of the conference room. "Can you stay behind? I need to have a word with you."

Meredith crossed her arms and waited near the long table. Her boss was extremely reluctant to give her the case and probably wanted to discourage her.

The older man finally ordered his papers, leaned back in his chair and stared fixedly at her.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Don't try that courtroom look on me, boss."

He sighed. "Meredith, what are you doing?"

She didn't answer, trying to form what would sound as a reasonable explanation.

"You're an excellent lawyer, I can see a great future for you," Mitchell said firmly. "And that case might break you down."

"Are you the jury?" asked stubbornly Meredith.

"Right now I'm not even talking about winning or losing the case," he assured seriously. "You have now idea how pressuring it will be. You'll be an emotional wreck long before the trial comes to an end."

"Have you ever heard of the fight or flight response?" she inquired. "It basically means that in case of danger the organism either fights it back or escapes. I_ never_ escape. And I'm not going to change my mind about taking the case."

Mitchell burst out laughing, "You can count on me if you need any help, _any_ help; whether it's advice or just talking."

Meredith smiled at him gratefully, "Thank you."

"Oh, and take one of the freshmen to assist you, maybe O'Malley."

Meredith nodded and left the conference room. Her heart was pounding out of her chest but she was nowhere close to realize how much the case would change her life, for ever.


	2. Chapter 2: An Endless Sea

A/N The second chapter of this fic after an impossibly long hiatus is finally here and I hope there are still some people willing to read it. I can promise that from now on this story will be regularly updated.

In this chapter, Meredith and Derek's paths cross for the first time and it's not at all angsty. Enjoy!

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Derek felt his knees shaking under his weight and the bile rising up in his throat as he stared through the glass at a queue of men stepping to the view in front of him. They were all similar to each other and each carried a number. One of the detectives standing beside Derek leaned towards the microphone and gave out orders.

The parade stopped, the suspects turned to face them, then showed their other profile.

"Number three," whispered Derek with trembling lips.

"Can you repeat, Dr. Shepherd?" asked firmly the officer.

Derek cleared his throat and spoke louder, "Number three."

Taking part in the identification procedure was a nightmare, hell on earth, but he was glad he hadn't said a word about it to his family. They would all see enough of that devil later, during the trial. For now, Derek wanted to spare his mother and sisters the horror of looking at that man.

"Are you sure, Dr. Shepherd?" asked the policeman again. "Are you absolutely sure the suspect number three is the man you saw running from your father's store?"

"Yes," hissed Derek with all the hatred he could muster. Of course he was absolutely sure. Each and every tiny detail of this pale face was imprinted in his brain. He was also sure it would haunt him till his dying day.

"Very well," sighed the detective. "Thank you for all your help, Dr. Shepherd. Are you feeling all right? A glass of water, perhaps?"

Derek shook his head violently. He needed to get out of this room or he would suffocate.

"Dr. Shepherd, you must be under a great emotional strain," went on the officer. "We always provide psychological help for the victims of crimes and their families, though I'm sure as a doctor yourself you could-"

Derek didn't even stay to listen what he got to say. Psychological help… he didn't need psychological help, just a way to escape the pain he was feeling. He stumbled through the labyrinth of corridors and he was finally outside of the building. The fresh air made him even more lightheaded. He couldn't remember when was the last time he ate something. His legs gave up at long last and he slid down to the stone steps. He started to breath, deeper and deeper, faster and faster, giving his lungs much more air than they needed. An overwhelming weakness was creeping up on his body until his eyes, trying desperately to stay open, got lost in an endless sea of green.

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''This is an infringement of an American's citizen's basic constitutional rights!" argued Meredith, glaring at an officer sitting lazily behind the counter at the police headquarters.

"Yeah, right," he said sarcastically. "He lost his rights when he decided to kill all those innocent people.''

''Oh, has he already been tried?" she snapped.

"As good as he has," he replied confidently. "As soon as the identification is over, the man's sort's pretty decided," he grimaced, passing a finger across his throat.

"Not if I have something to say in this matter," stated Meredith self-assuredly. "And I will. When is he free?"

''Probably never," groaned the policeman.

She rolled her eyes, "When can I see him?"

"I've already told you," he said losing his patience, "when the identification is over. We'll let you know."

"Thank you,'' said Meredith ironically. "I'll appreciate it."

''So, what are we doing? "asked George O' Malley who was keeping himself a few feet away from the argument.

''Waiting," answered Meredith when she reached him. "I'm sure they won't let us see him immediately after the identification parade. Or… _you're_ waiting here while I'm going for a coffee. I barely slept last night, I'm in a desperate need for caffeine."

She left George on the post and hurried out willing to calm her nerves. She had a little freak out last night, feeling like a complete idiot taking up a case of this magnitude. She dealt with quite a number of criminals in her career but never with an actual cold-blooded murderer. But before the dawn came, she managed to talk herself calm, sitting on the floor in the living room of her empty flat. There was a man, guilty or not, who needed her help. She could never refuse a person in a dramatic situation. That drive always pushed Meredith to become too emotionally involved with her clients and… it also made her stop in her tracks on the way to the bar as her eyes rested on a man sitting on the sidewalk, apparently close to passing out.

He was a man in his mid-thirties, with a mane of black disheveled hair and a shadow of stubble on his jaw, a beautiful desperate mess crumpled on the pavement. He was breathing out of his chest, he was… hyperventilating. She picked up a clean paper bag from the sandwich cart and ran up to him.

She grabbed his head, slapping his cheeks trying to keep him conscious.

"Sir!" she said loudly and clearly. "Sir!"

His lids fluttered open feebly and she almost got lost in an endless see of blue that were his eyes.

"Sir, breath into that bag!" She quickly put the bag close to his mouth and nose. "Breath into the bag, slow down, slow down."

He followed her steady voice like subjects following a hypnotizer's orders. His respiration slowly regularized so that he was able to breathe without help.

"You're better now," Meredith sighed with relief and opened her briefcase in search for her cell. "I'll call a doctor for you."

"No!" he yelped in panic. "No! I'm… I'm a doctor… don't need…"

"Okay, I won't call a doctor," promised Meredith. She knew it was no use to insist; she had two doctors in the family. She was aware that particular breed of humans believed themselves invincible and admitting their own physical weakness leveled to a crime.

However, she couldn't abandon that poor man all alone on the sidewalk. It wasn't difficult to see that he was under a great emotional duress and verging on exhaustion… and apparently on starvation. Meredith made up her mind when she heard his stomach grumble loudly.

"I won't call help for you but I'm taking you for breakfast," she stated categorically.

"No, no, I don't…" he protested weakly.

"I'm going for a cup of coffee across the street myself so you're not causing any trouble," she shrugged. "Take your pick, a doctor or a breakfast. I personally think that a good meal is always way better."

"Okay," he breathed out rubbing his temples. "Thank you."

"Can you walk?" she asked with concern.

"Yeah, yeah, I can." He slowly got to his feet and followed his savior.

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Derek threw himself on the seat in the bar, shaking and sweating. He was lower on sugar than he imagined and the beautiful stranger had to help him walk. He berated himself for his stupidity; if he had actually passed out he'd have caused even more worry to his family.

"We'll get you something warm and caloric in a sec," said the woman with green eyes reassuringly, sitting across the table.

He stared at her, he couldn't focus his vision on anything else. Maybe because she was so close to him, maybe because he suddenly feared he'd be lost if she walked away. She didn't seem to mind his fixed regard; her eyes swept the bar but rarely rested on his face.

Suddenly, she gave out a small smile that took his breath away. It was like a sun spell among the stormy clouds that covered the sky since the previous night's events.

"Hi, Jen," she greeted the arriving waitress, the receiver of the smile.

"Morning, Mer," the tall blond pulled a tiny notebook to jot down the orders. "The usual?"

"Hell, yeah," shrugged the woman called Mer. "I wanted a single coffee but it's going to be a hard day so, the usual."

"And for…?" inquired Jen with unmasked curiosity. Apparently, the two women knew each other well.

"What would you like, sir?" asked "Mer".

"Uhm, d'you have… muesli?"

"Seriously?" Mer raised her eyebrows. "You're fainting on your feet and you ask for muesli? Are you vegetarian?"

"No."

"Eggs with bacon for my guest, Jen. Make it double. And a strong coffee, please."

"Got it," nodded the waitress.

"And… could it be extra quick?" she pleaded. "I don't know how long he'll last."

"I'll be fine," Derek countered stubbornly.

Jen gave her friend a suspicious look but promised instead, "You're on the top of the priority list, you know that, Mer."

Not even a minute passed when she was back with two steaming hot cups. Derek sipped the black liquid and felt instantaneously invigorated.

"So," began Mer. "I figure we should at least know each other's names given the fact that we already skipped to breakfast and all. I'm Meredith," she suddenly sobered remembering the circumstances of their meeting. "Sorry, I couldn't resist…"

"It's okay," he assured her sincerely. "Meredith?"

"Mhm."

"Derek."

She smiled gently and diverted her attention to other customers of the bar.

"You're not going to ask about anything else?" he frowned, surprised. "Why I look like hell? And how I ended curled up on the street?"

"I'm just a girl in a bar," she shrugged and added, "You're obviously not ready to talk about that. It's too fresh, too raw. You'll look for someone to talk to when you're ready."

Derek resumed his admiring stare. She was something else. She respected his privacy, his pain. He'd probably fire a series of questions at her place.

Jen brought the tray and put their plates in front of them. On any other day, Derek would grimace at both. Meredith's usual turned out to be pancakes with chocolate syrup, looking heavy and sticky. He'd also never think about scrambled eggs but right now he was going to devour them.

"That was fast," said Derek.

"Thanks," grinned Jen. "Mer, are you coming tonight?"

"Nah, I don't think so," she sighed. She was going to a dinner with her step-family. She couldn't make an out of that. Susan caught her at home before she left the flat this morning and personally reminded of the occasion. "Why?"

"The boss needs your advice, professional advice."

"What's wrong?"

"You know Joe," answered Jen airily. "He likes to worry too much. He got another letter from Starbucks. He's worrying again that they're going to take over the bar."

"He's got nothing to worry about; he owns the place," explained Meredith. "They can do nothing unless he wants to sell it."

"You tell him that," Jen rolled her eyes. "He'll believe you, at least until another letter comes."

Meredith chuckled, "I'll be tomorrow night, no sooner than 11, though."

"I'll tell him," nodded Jen and looked suggestively at Meredith pointing her head at the man who was accompanying her friend. "So…"

"So, I'll be here tomorrow," Meredith's eyes bored into hers.

"Got it! Uhm, oh! A new client, I need to take the order."

"It sounds like you're a recurring guest here," took up Derek. The beautiful Meredith intrigued him to no end. He wanted to know more about her, momentarily forgetting about his pain. Although, he didn't want to force himself on her. She wasn't prying, he hoped he wasn't either.

"I am," admitted Meredith. "I live nearby, and I work nearby. Plus, I'm a terrible cook. Would starve without this place."

She swallowed a portion of her pancake dipped in chocolate… she was way to talkative for a neutral conversation with a stranger… but he was visibly suffering and her banter seemed to take his mind off his problems, whatever they were.

"Uhm, thank you," said Derek from above his plate. "It was a happy coincidence for me that you found me."

"You're welcome," she sighed. "But I don't believe in coincidences."

"What do you believe in, then?" he asked interestedly. "If I may ask, that is…"

"I believe there are no such things as coincidences," she explained. "There's a reason behind everything that happens in our lives."

"How so?" he pressed on. He found it hard to fathom there was a reason for the death of his father other than being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

"There are three things that determine our lives," Meredith proceeded to explain her theory pushing aside her finished plate. "The forces of nature, which we have very little control of; our decisions and the decisions of other people. Where we are at a given point in our lives is always an outcome of these factors."

"I guess… if you put it like this… What about feelings, emotions, passions?"

"They have a certain influence over our decisions, that's all," she replied simply. "Often a bad influence."

"You'd like emotions out of your life?" For a moment, the prospect looked strangely appealing.

"I didn't say that," smiled Meredith. "I haven't made up my mind yet. Emotions create havoc in our existence but… we wouldn't be human without them."

"You have a very analytic mind," he commented pensively, unabashedly studying not only her intellect. Meredith was a beautiful woman though her looks proved a bit deceptive. At first glance, her small frame and delicate features could evoke heroic instincts in any man but her way of being, her energy, her confident voice, betrayed an incredible perseverance and strength of character.

"Comes with my job, I guess," she smiled briefly checking her phone. "Speaking of which…" Having turned off the volume in her cell, she didn't notice George calling. "… I have to go, duty calls."

"Oh," breathed out Derek. He didn't want her to go, he didn't want this surreal reprieve to end…

He saw her running through her briefcase searching for money and he felt for his absent wallet with dread and humiliation. He had only his driving license on him.

"I don't…" he muttered. "I didn't take…"

"It's okay," she gave him a reassuring squeeze on his forearm. "It's my treat."

"I… thank you…"

"Don't even mention it," she stood up, hastily putting her coat on. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

He nodded meekly.

"See you around," she shot and there she was gone.

He whirled around to get the last look, to immortalize her features in his memory. On any other day, he would pursue her, he would never let that amazing woman pass him by without at least trying to win her. On any other day, in different circumstances, if his father wasn't lying in the hospital morgue…

Just before the door, she paused to flick open her ringing phone. She glanced at him one last time, smiling encouragingly and hurried out of the bar and out of his life. Or so he thought.

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A/N Needless to say I'm anxiously waiting for any thoughts or comments you may have after reading.

The fic is barely starting so I'm in the need for all the support I can get, also supportive criticism.

Em :)


	3. Chapter 3: Magic

A/N Thank you a lot for your support after the last chapter! I'm not entirely satisfied with this one but I've been writing it for a few days now and it kept getting longer and longer so I'm just adding it. Meredith and Derek meet again.

I hope you enjoy!

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"If you follow me, Ma'am," said the police officer and departed. Meredith nodded though she knew they direction perfectly; it wasn't the first time she made that way. George O'Malley hurried at her heels.

The officer opened the door and let her in. She thanked him, letting him know to leave her alone with her client and entered the meeting room with her assistant. Her vision momentarily rested upon the sole occupant of the simple table. A white man in his fifties with graying red hair sat rigidly in the middle of the room, his hands and legs locked in cuffs.

"Good morning, Mr. Dunn," she greeted him briskly and outstretched his hands towards him. "I'm Meredith Grey and I'll be leading your case. That's Mr. George O'Malley, my assistant."

William Dunn shook their hands indifferently but didn't say a word, resorting to cold observation of the people before him.

Meredith and George took the seats across the table taking out a notebook and a pen.

"I heard you weren't very talkative, Mr. Dunn," said Meredith matter-of-factly. "Which is good. Don't say anything until we prepare the line of defense, can you do that, Mr. Dunn?"

Again, she was met with a wall of silence and watchful piercing eyes. Apparently, her client wasn't talkative to anyone.

"I know it might be hard for you, Mr. Dunn," she took up, unaffected, "but time works against us, so I must ask you for your account of the events that occurred last Thursday."

Silence.

"George, can you leave us for a second? Maybe Mr. Dunn will more at ease face to face," she addressed George.

"No need for that, Ms. Grey? Or is it Mrs.?" William cocked his head to the side as George obediently made to stand up.

"Ms. Grey," she replied. "Are you ready to answer our questions, Mr. Dunn? It is really in your best interest. You can confide in us, we're here to help you."

"Help me?" he leaned back lazily in his chair.

Meredith sighed, "You might not fully realize what you're facing, Mr. Dunn. Years in prison is the softest option before you. Persecution is going to demand the capital punishment."

She watched his face for any sign of emotion but it didn't came except for a briefest shimmer in his eyes.

"You've been identified by no less than three witnesses," she argued firmly. "You're in a pretty tight spot. You need to talk to us, Mr. Dunn."

"I did it," he drawled.

Meredith's pen shifted above the paper. She spent thousands of hours speaking with her clients, the majority of whom were guilty, of petty or major crimes, but they hardly ever admitted straightforwardly they committed them. They usually tried to justify their behavior, provide conditions that put their actions in a better light. Not William Dunn. His attitude could be described as oscillating between boredom and amusement.

"You did?" Meredith's eyes bored pitilessly into his.

"Of course, I killed them," he said.

"Why?" she probed.

He lapsed into silence once again

"Mr. Dunn, I asked you a question."

"I'm too tired to answer," he yawned. "I didn't sleep last night, as you might imagine."

"You think you'll sleep tonight?" she snorted. "In jail? Or when you get transported to the state prison? We have a meeting with the judge tomorrow. There's no doubt in my mind as to what his decision will be."

"Guard!" William raised his voice. "I'd like to return to my cell!"

"We're not finished yet," Meredith stated hurriedly. "Don't talk to anyone and think over what I said. I'm here to help you."

The police officer came into the room and roughly took the suspect out of the room.

"He's creepy," muttered George leaning towards Meredith watching his back.

"I don't know what he is yet," she answered pensively. "But we need to get to the bottom of this."

"What if he won't want to talk?" he asked with worry.

"That's not an option," she assured him decidedly picking up her briefcase and beckoned him out of the room.

"What now?"

"Now, we need to find as much as we can about him. I want to know absolutely everything, from the size of his shoe to his mother's maiden name."

George nodded eagerly and tried to keep her pace as they exited the building and reached her car. As she lit the ignition, Joe's bar came into her line of vision. Her thoughts instantly wandered to the dark-haired stranger she had encountered earlier this morning, his deep distraught eyes, his helplessness. She hoped he was doing okay, he looked fine when they parted.

"Meredith," asked George. "Are we waiting for something?"

"No," she said quickly brushing off her musings. She had more important things on her mind that thinking of a man she was never going to see again.

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Derek passed the doorstep of his family home with a heavy heart. His father passed away only the day before but it already felt unnaturally empty and quiet. Not for long though.

"Derek, where have you been?" Nancy's shrill voice droned in his ears. "Do you have any idea what we've been through?"

"Yes, I actually have an idea," replied Derek with subtle firmness. "I'm going through the same."

"That doesn't entitle you to disappear without a trace and ignore our calls," bit back his sister.

"I'm sorry, I… left my cell at hospital," he sighed tiredly. Along with his wallet. In his mind's eye, he saw the beautiful Meredith that bought him breakfast only an hour ago.

"Hey, you two, it's not really the time for fruitless arguments," scolded Mark from the doorway to the kitchen.

"Sorry," muttered Nancy.

Derek nodded his agreement. "Where's Mom?"

"In the kitchen," Mark beckoned him with his head. "Everyone's went home; it's just me, Nancy and Ana."

Derek followed his brother into the kitchen and immediately walked up to Carolyn who was sitting at the table beside his other sister, calm but visibly exhausted. He put his arms around her and asked quietly, "How are you feeling, Ma?"

She patted his hand and whispered, "I'll live, my dear. We were all worried about you."

"I'm sorry," he sighed and leaned against the cupboard heavily. "I was at the police."

They all quickly looked at him.

"what for?" frowned Ana.

"Just… formalities," he shrugged.

"You knew they took Dad?" she asked.

"What? Who?" his eyes swept searchingly over their faces.

"The coroner claimed…" paused Mark. "He took Dad for… autopsy."

Derek raked a hand through his hair. It was painful but as he fully realized understandable and necessary.

"Der, this is unacceptable," argued Nancy hotly. "He… he at least has the right to be put to rest in peace and respect. We have to do something!"

Derek sighed, we meaning him. He was the man about the family now. Plus, he was the only one from Carolyn and Michael's biological children that was unmarried and childless. He had to take care of the family as a whole and that probably meant another trip at the police, just after the first one ended. He felt suddenly thankful to the blonde stranger that she forced him into having a copious breakfast.

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When Meredith parked her car that evening in her father's driveway, her mind was racing with the day's events. After the brief conversation with her client and interviews with neighbors, relatives or acquaintances, as he didn't have any friends, that lasted the whole day but turned out of little use, she still knew practically nothing substantial about William Dunn besides the dry facts from his life and the general opinion that he was a shady character; in short, nothing to help her case. Maybe tomorrow she'd have more luck.

Although she was dead on her feet, she hurriedly entered Susan and Thatcher's house and joined her family including her two sisters Lexie and Molly as well as Eric, the latter's husband, muttering hasty apologies for her late arrival.

They were all gathered together to celebrate the postponed Thanksgiving. Lexie had to work the previous day, so Susan, adamant to have the entire family at the table, delayed the dinner to the time when everyone could attend.

"Let me guess," smiled Susan filling her plate with the stuffed turkey. "A new case?"

"Yeah, a tough one," Meredith shook her head and blew a stray strand of hair from her face.

"You always say that, dear," took up her father, "and you always win."

"This time it won't be so easy," muttered Meredith, both curious and apprehensive about their reaction to the news about her new case.

She took the jug to pour the juice into her glass and looked up straight at Lexie, currently looking distressed.

"Are you okay?" she asked her. "Something with one of your patients?"

"Not a patient," provided Molly. "A doctor."

"A doctor?"

"Have you heard about the shooting yesterday?" asked molly.

"Yes," Meredith answered uneasily and shifted in her chair.

"The father of one of my attendings, Dr. Shepherd, was killed," explained Lexie sadly. "Well, actually of two attendings. Dr. Sloan is like a brother to Dr. Shepherd."

"Oh," that was all the comment Meredith was able to make at the moment.

"It's horrible for Dr. Sl- for Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Sloan," went on Lexie. "Dr. Shepherd could have been hurt too-"

"I know everything about the case, Lexie," interrupted Meredith and decided there was no pint in keeping her family in the dark. They would know sooner or later anyway. "I'm on it."

"You're on the case? How?" frowned Lexie.

Meredith cleared her throat, "I'm… I'm the defender… of William Dunn."

"Oh."

"That's a… a big case," Susan, as usual, searched for the bright side of life.

"Are you mad at me?" asked later Meredith finding Lexie alone in the kitchen. Though their relations had been initially awkward when Meredith returned to her home city a couple of years ago and met her stepfamily, she quickly grew fond of her younger sister and she willed it to stay that way. She could tell Lexie was affected by the tragic event.

For one, a surgical team was a close-knit group of people that eventually turned into friends and family. Moreover, Meredith suspected Lexie was concerned about Dr. Sloan. She noticed that since she started her internship this fall, the name of that particular surgeon fell from her lips with a higher frequency than others'.

"Why would I be mad at you?" Lexie looked at her questioningly. "You took me by surprise with that one, I admit, but I'm not mad."

"Are you sure?" insisted Meredith taking the wipe to dry the dishes Lexie was washing up.

"Mer, I'm not going to hold against you that you're doing your job," smiled Lexie. "If that man was sick and came to Grace, I would have to treat him. It's as simple as that."

"Thanks," sighed Meredith. "I feel a lot of people will think differently. According to Mitchell, there might be a huge media circus around it."

"You'll do great," reassured Lexie. "You look excellent in camera."

"Lexie!" hissed Meredith indignantly bursting into giggles.

"Poor Dr. Shepherd though," the younger girl sobered up. "He's going to be put through the ringer. It's so painful to watch, you know? They're this big family with traditions. And he's such a nice person, kind and funny. Everyone at the hospital calls him Dr. McDreamy."

"McDreamy?" chuckled Meredith.

"Mhm, and Dr. Sloan," grinned Lexie even wider, "is McSteamy. Because he's a bit of a manwhore, apparently. But in fact, he's just a big kid, or well… a horny teenager."

"Are you and Dr. Sloan…?" Meredith asked innocently.

"What? No! Why... why would you think so?" stammered Lexie.

"No reason," replied Meredith slyly. "You just… talk about him quite a bit, and your eyes kinda… lit up."

"I… talk about all of my bosses," Lexie quickly explained herself. "He's a very talented doctor and… and… you're seeing things! Stop grilling me, I'm not a witness in court!"

"Okay, okay," giggled Meredith and changed the topic to appease her. "I met a man today."

"A man?" Lexie looked at her curiously.

"Yeah, I found him on the steps to the police. He was in a pretty bad shape… mentally."

"Mentally?" Lexie squinted her eyes at her sister. "And physically.?"

"Physically… he was handsome, tall and dark. I scooped him from the street and bought scrambled eggs," she finished and they both burst out laughing at the absurdity of her description.

"Mer…" Lexie tried to catch her breath amongst giggles. "You might have… rescued your own prince charming!"

"You left yours at the hospital," Meredith stuck her tongue at her.

"Take it back!" Lexie yelled and blew bubbles from the sink in her direction.

They fought an ardent battle until both had their hair plastered to their faces.

"Meredith?" Lexie looked at her sister seriously as they were drying themselves with towels. "You'll be careful, okay, with this case?"

"I always am," she answered confidently.

**********************************************************************************

The next day saw another of Derek's trips to the police, third in two days. This time he was accompanied by Mark who came to help him fight their case.

Derek fully understood the procedures but his patience was waning as his family found themselves in a terrible limbo. Without the body, there couldn't be a funeral, only nervous waiting that prevented facing and dealing with the prolonged pain.

"Dr. Shepherd, I know it's difficult for you and your family," sighed detective Johnson, a short man whose calm eyes were betrayed a lot of inner sense. "I'm only asking for a bit of patience."

"If you know it's difficult," said firmly Derek, "then you should also know that in the current circumstances patience is what we lack. What else could possible not have opened and cut since you took him yesterday? It's been ages, you said that today we'll be able to… to… " he trailed off taking a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," said the detective sincerely lowering his voice. "We must do our job and we are additionally pressed by the district attorney. They're going for the death penalty, you see everything had to be in absolute order."

Derek and Mark looked at each other, temporarily speechless. Until now, they pushed out of their heads everything else than their father. Now they were brutally reminded of the cause of his passing, of the man that brought it about for the reasons still unknown. Death penalty? Both doctors felt an internal conflict. On one hand, there didn't seem to be a punishment adequate enough for taking away a wonderful man Michael Shepherd was and making suffer so many people that loved him. On the other, could they dare want a man's life to end, even that of a murderer? They were surgeons, doctors, healers, whose highest priority was human life and health. They fought like hell every day to preserve it.

They were joined by detective Johnson's subordinate, "Sir, the devil's advocate is here again, Dunn's lawyer. She wants to speak to you."

Johnson nodded and ordered, "Tell her I'll be with her shortly in my office."

Derek's feet found the ground again and he felt his temper rising. "You've got the time to meet with the woman who's protecting that son of a bitch but you can't-"

"Derek!" Mark put a hand at his shoulder in warning. "Detective Johnson, we are determined and currently desperate people. We won't leave this building, or this corridor until you give us your word. You're saying you understands us, we just want to pay the last respects to our father."

Detective Johnson let out a sigh and under the two men's unrelenting gaze he stated, "The lab's running the last tests. Come tomorrow, you'll be able to claim your father's body as early as eight o'clock."

"Thank you," acknowledged Mark and dragged Derek away. "Let's go. We've got a lot to do, talk to Ma, take care of everything…"

Everything… meaning the funeral… Derek moved his legs heavily. He dreaded tomorrow, seeing his father… still, pale… dead. But he was also relieved, further waiting wouldn't do any good for anyone, and certainly wouldn't bring his father back.

**********************************************************************************

Derek woke up from his fretful slumber. He glanced at the nightstand in his childhood room, it was thirty to eleven p.m. After he and Mark arranged the formalities concerning the funeral, he packed up a bag, remembering to take his black suit and installed himself at his mother's for a couple of days.

They went to bed shortly after the quick dinner, saving their strengths for the difficult day, the day of the funeral. However, the sleep was reluctant to come. After an hour spent on nervous tossing in bed more than resting, Derek lay on his back staring at ceiling, his arm over his forehead.

His eyes were drawn to the clock again. Twenty-five to eleven… Eleven…

_His blond-haired rescuer turned to the waitress with a smile and said, "I'll be tomorrow night, no sooner than 11, though."_

Twenty-four to eleven. His green-eyed Meredith was maybe on her way to the bar at this very moment. His heart beat faster but he didn't know why exactly. All he knew was that he yearned to see her. And do what? He didn't think about that. He just wanted to get lost in her eyes, in her voice, to indulge himself in the enchanted forgetfulness only she could conjure.

He threw the covers away and get dressed frantically. He tiptoed soundlessly trough the dark house careful not to wake up his mother, grabbed his car keys and shoes which he wore already outside and drove off.

In his haste, he didn't bother to peek into the kitchen where his mother was sitting gripping a mug of cold tea in her hands. She didn't sleep a wink. Actually, after five minutes in bed, she got up and left the bedroom; the bedroom in which she slept with her beloved husband for over forty years. She felt lonely and scared, and certain she'd never be able to spend a night neither in that bed nor the room. So she went downstairs and sat down, trying to find solace in the silence and the darkness until it was interrupted by her son. She frowned as Derek sneaked through the hall and out of the house hurriedly, her mother instincts overcoming her grief. Where could he be headed this late?

She always worried the most about Derek of all her children, both she and Michael did. Not because he was their only boy until Mark first arrived at their household. Derek was always an anxious soul, a romantic whose life was a constant search. It was the reason why he still didn't settle down although he had a few girlfriends over the years and one relationship that turned almost serious. But Derek backed out before it happened. He wanted sparks, magic and fireworks. Carolyn didn't want to see her son in a relationship devoid of true love but sometimes she feared he was never going to find it. With a mysterious smile on his face, that Derek took after, Michael always told her not to worry, that he would touch the happiness they themselves experienced. Right now, she wasn't completely sure if she wanted him to. If pure happiness was to be followed with pure sorrow…

She sighed and prayed for his son to stay safe. He was able to do reckless things under pressure. For sure, losing the father with whom he shared a special bond in the family dominated by girls put him under enormous pressure.

**********************************************************************************

As Derek got closer to the area he came to know so thoroughly in the last forty-eight hours, he felt the boundary between dream and reality slip him. A sudden fear took him that the Joe's bar might have been a mirage, a hallucination, a product of his tired mind. Or maybe it was a magic kingdom that was there only for one day to disappear from the face of the earth for the next hundred years, along with its eternal queen, Meredith.

His sigh of relief was most real when he parked in the street just outside the bar. He studied every inch of the façade and pushed the door open with growing excitement, a tingling of the little bell announcing his arrival. Nothing else mattered right now as she searched the crowd for the familiar form. His ear caught a woman's giggle… and he knew it was her even if he hadn't ever heard it. He turned his head towards the counter. It took his breath away when he spotted the honey locks cascading freely down to her waist.

He slowly made his way towards her, looking only at her.

"Hey," he breathed out.

She whirled her head towards him sending her hair flying millimeters from him. He sensed a delicate sweet scent in the air that was making his knees week.

"Derek," she smiled.

His heart beat even faster. She graced him with her smile, she remembered his name! But he immediately scolded himself. It's not like it was of any importance to her. She remembered because they met only yesterday and well, she probably didn't pick up random men from the street on a daily basis.

"I… hi…" he stammered, suddenly shy.

Meredith's lips stretched into a genuine though bewildered smile. The man that kept wandering in and out of her thoughts for the last two days stood in front of her, in flesh and bones. Whenever she needed a break from work or she just didn't concentrate on anything in particular, the mysterious Derek occupied her mind. As she didn't know practically anything about him, except for the fact that he was a doctor and enjoyed muesli, she let her imagination run wild.

She made up numerous scripts and background stories as to whom he might be, what had happened to him and where he was headed now. One of her fantasies involved him saving Seattle (with her modest assistance) from the hands of a madman with a patch over one eye who wanted to take over the control of the world. Having completed that tedious task, he swept her in his arms, riding off into the sunset on a white horse. And then… well, she woke up at 5 o'clock, alone in her apartment and laughed herself silly. The hilarious vision kept her going all day when she felt caving under the weight of her workload.

Another day of effort unfortunately saw no breakthrough. Her second conversation with Mr. Dunn brought her no closer to figuring out his personality. She didn't squeeze anything new out of him but for the statement that he liked her voice. And then, according to her expectations, he was transported to the state prison to await his trail, no possibility of releasing him on bail, of course. But she would get him, she would, even if she had to drive two hours out of Seattle every day to speak to him. The police didn't make her life easier, though she had to admit the detective leading the investigation appeared to be nothing short of helpful, objective and free from prejudices. He worked in close connection to the persecution though and there lied his loyalties.

She fought and pleaded but she knew that in order to learn the accounts of witnesses she had to resort to unreliable press publications or get directly to the source. She would do both of course but she wanted to give that people a bit of time to calm down after the traumatic events. There was also a third way, though she preferred to avoid using it, if she could.

Fifteen minutes before, she decided to close shut her files and stroll to Joe's. He needed her advice and besides that, her stomach was empty. She sat down at the bar as she usually did in the evenings, talked to Joe about his more or less imagined troubles and… then her blue-eyed Derek appeared before her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked curiously studying his face and she had a feeling she knew.

"I… well, I couldn't help overhearing yesterday you'd be here today," he raked his hand through his hair embarrassedly, "and I wanted to thank you, again. You really don't know how big of a favor you did to me."

"I'm happy I could help you," she nodded and remarked, "You look better today… Not that you looked bad yesterday… but well, better," she grinned.

"Thanks, I don't know if I feel better," he sighed, "but I pulled myself together, thanks to you."

"Really, there's nothing to talk about," she waved her hand dismissively.

"Yes, there is!" Jen the waitress appeared behind the counter. "Right, Joe?"

"Right," nodded solemnly a well-built man from under a tankard he was filling with beer. "I hope you have good intentions towards Meredith. She's a celebrity here, with her own circle of admirers."

"Joe!" Meredith hissed, somewhat flushed. They always exaggerated her help.

"Actually…" said Derek taken by a sudden idea. "I owe her a breakfast… or any meal…"

"Then you've got a perfect timing!" said Jen excitedly. "Mer was just about to order something!"

Meredith's jaw hit the floor. They were doing it again! Her so-called friends were trying to set her up. One could think they'd give up after so many failures.

"So, what would you like to have?" asked Derek. "It's on me."

"Absolutely not," protested Meredith shaking her head. "I was just doing what anyone should, help a man in need. I'm not that kind of person who expects repayment."

"I understand, it only makes you more amazing," he argued quietly feeling more and more under the charm of the feisty woman. "But I have a job or so to speak, a stable source of income. Why don't you save those couple of dollars for some homeless beggar that can't buy his own breakfast."

He cocked his head to the side and the corners of his lips almost went up… She couldn't refuse.

"Fine," she capitulated, "but you're having it with me."

"Okay," he agreed without hesitation. Hell, that was certainly not a problem. "What would you like?" he repeated his question.

"A pizza," she said enthusiastically. "XXL."

"Hmm, okay," he nodded with a small sigh. If you said A, you had to say B.

"You're one of those health nuts, aren't you?" Meredith squinted her eyes at him.

"What? No, I just… like to eat… healthy," he finished lamely feeling he was contradicting himself.

Meredith rolled her eyes, "I can promise a lot of vegetables on top."

"Vegetarian?" he asked hopefully.

"No, silly," giggled Jen. "Meredith."

"Meredith?" he glanced in question at the owner of the name.

"Meredith," she shrugged trying to keep a straight face.

"I love that part," Jen winked at her.

"I'm… not following," frowned Derek looking between two women.

"We told you she's a celeb," smiled Jen laying open the menu before him. "Number five."

"Meredith…" he read up and whirled to look at her. "You have your own pizza?"

"Mhm," she confirmed not without pride in her regard.

"I'll bring it to the table," said Jen. "Your place is free, Mer."

"Your place?" asked Derek following Meredith and examining the table. "Is there a plate with your name somewhere?"

"No!" she laughed and sat down. "About the pizza, I… kinda helped Joe when he was in a tight spot. He offered to give me food for free since I don't cook and all but of course I couldn't say yes. So they named a pizza after me. And about this table, I like to sit here with my work at happy hours."

"Whit your work?" he asked curiously.

"You know," she scrunched her nose, "I don't want to talk about my job, it's kicking my ass right now."

"Well, I…" he cleared his throat and rubbed his hands. "I don't want to talk about me." He didn't want to mar their evening with the recent events of his life. He came here to once again forget about everything.

"Okay," she nodded and gave him one of her beautiful radiant smile.

"Just like that? Okay?"

"You're so surprised every time I tell you that," she said gently. "But I have neither the right nor will to demand information about you. I do that enough during my working hours."

She gathered her unruly hair on one side and he craved to know everything about her. But he didn't have the right to ask; he'd have to content himself with the little clues she inadvertently let on. He suspected that even if she dished him out her full story, he wouldn't comprehend much. There was something about her, one might call in an aura. It wasn't comprehensible or describable, it was felt.

"So if we're not talking about me… or you?" he hesitated. "What are we going to talk about?" He almost kicked himself. He was probably the lamest guy she ever met. What happened to his McDreamy qualities, as he knew the nurses called it?

"Who says we have to talk about anything? Sometimes silence is more comfortable than conversation," she glanced around the bar. "But if you insist… there is a lot to talk about. Look at the people around."

"I don't know them," he frowned eyeing the customers sideways.

"You know? Me neither," she grinned. "You see this couple over there? The suit, the red dress?"

"Yeah," he turned in his seat.

"He's going to propose," she said with a soft smile.

Derek studied a young pair for a minutes and faced Meredith back. "How do you know?"

"He's nervous… and he's wearing his best clothes."

"You can't possibly know that," he chuckled with disbelief. "And really? Best clothes? They look second-hand."

"I can suppose that. And not everyone can afford Versace, Mr. Millionaire," argued Meredith. "He's very careful not to ruin them. He doesn't put his hands on the table, he carefully watched the chair before he sat down."

"You still suppose very much," stated Derek. "He might just want to look good on a date."

"He wouldn't wear his best outfit on a regular date, plus, it doesn't explain the nervousness."

"He might want to break up with her," shrugged Derek, folding his arms.

"Pessimist," she commented.

"Realist."

"We'll see," Meredith smiled sweetly.

"Are you already driving him up the wall?" grumbled Jen placing an enormous pizza between them. "That's why you can't find a guy."

Derek tried to stay indifferent to the news; she was single!

"I'm not looking for a guy," she bit back.

"You clearly aren't. Because you'd know not to eat in front of a man you'd like to get," sneered Jen and turned to Derek, "I would grab a bite now if I were you, this pizza will cease to exist in the next five minutes."

"What was that about?" inquired Derek dragging a slice of greasy pizza with a sigh.

"Hell if I know," she huffed through her full mouth, "I think they think I eat too much."

Derek quirked his eyebrow with skepticism. Her tiny form was flawless, if anything, she could be underfed.

He studied his piece of food meticulously, "I never got to know… what is on top?"

"Everything," she chewed with a moan, "with extra cheese."

"Everything? Meaning what?" he chose to disregard the enticing sound she made.

"Meaning everything," she repeated. "Just dig in."

Just dig in his Meredith… He bit his lip, suddenly the pizza looked more enticing. And it summed up well the actual Meredith; she was everything plus extra.

He lifted his slice towards his mouth and his eyes took in the tray before him… it was already half empty. Where did it go? He stared at Meredith's tiny lips devouring the food… He'd better concentrate on his plate.

"Yes! I… Yes!" Every head in the bar turned towards the table occupied by the young couple previously discussed by Meredith and Derek. The girl was squealing and looking at the ring on her finger with admiration.

"How…? What are you… an oracle?" Derek asked the woman in front of him, absolutely baffled.

"I told you how."

"You must have seen more than that."

"Okay," she wiped ketchup from her lips, "there's… a hunch… or maybe you might want to call it psychological profiling… They were like an open book; you only have to know how to read it."

"Tell me something more," he pleaded.

"Seriously?" she laughed. "Fine… hmmm, you see this man over there? That's walking out with a girl?"

"Yeah," he breathed anticipating another outstanding example of deduction on her part.

"He's going to propose to her soon. Not today, but soonish."

"What told you that now?"

"He did," chuckled Meredith. "That's Liz, she's a waitress here too. Her boyfriend asked me to help him choose a ring."

Derek couldn't help bursting out laughing, she was making him lightheaded. You couldn't be close to her without feeling a warm light inside of you.

They talked or sat in silence and then talked some more again until it was already two in the morning and they were the last customers.

"I'm completely worn out, Mer! My feet are killing me," yelled Jen through the open door to the kitchen. "Get your asses out of here; I need to close!"

Derek's heart plummeted. "I'll drive you off," he offered quickly, desperate to prolong their meeting.

"I live only three blocks away," she shook her head. "It's just a short walk."

Meredith was left somewhat bereft when their evening came to an end. But, unlike Derek, she felt it was better to part right away. Not that she was apprehensive about being left alone with a stranger that Derek still practically was to her. Unbeknownst to him, she made a quick psychological profile of him too. It was stronger than her will, she just couldn't help it.

She knew he was a good man, trustable, gentle. He must possess an incredible sense of humor as well, the little spells that broke through his overwhelming sadness told her so. In any other case, she might be interested in getting to know him. Unfortunately, they met on a bad day. They had a connection but he was broken. Meredith suspected he was dealing with a loss of a beloved person, she saw that pain many times. It could only be caused by the loss that was irretrievable, in other words, death. It was clear to her that he was seeking consolation, forgetfulness and she couldn't invest her emotions. He was easy to like so she had to say goodbye before she was hurt.

"Then allow me at least walk with you," he insisted. "I want let you all alone in the street at this time of night. It's pitch black."

"Derek," she giggled. "I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"Please?" he asked cocking his head.

How could she resist that face?

"Okay," she nodded and they walked out into the crisp night air. "It's really close…"

They seemed to lose the need to speak. They walked arm in arm until too soon for both of them, Meredith stopped and pointed at the door with her head. "It's my place, I live at the top."

Derek nodded, at a loss for words. Some part of his brain kept telling him that he was being irrational to be this attached to a woman he knew for about thirty-six hours. But he didn't want to part with her, not now, not ever. He looked at her and he felt like she was all he ever wanted. Her hair were billowing in the light wind, her cheeks were pink with cold and her eyes… sparkling…. Her lips… calling.

"Derek?" she whispered.

A magnetic force seemed to pull them together…

"Not like this," breathed out Meredith stepping away from him before their lips met. "It won't make anything better."

A cold shiver passed through his body and fear gripped his heart. He must have lost his mind altogether… what was he about to do? Well, the answer was simple. He wanted to follow his soul's yearning for the woman before her.

What did she have to think about him? She wouldn't ever want to see of him again and the sole thought scared him to death. He was out of his breath again, just like yesterday.

"Derek?" Meredith asked worriedly. She had to stop what they were about to do because it was all wrong but she didn't want him to go and never return.

He started pacing and sat on the curb hiding his face in his hands trying to choke back the tears that were making their way down his cheeks, it was useless, he had blocked them for too long.

"Derek," she whispered soothingly crouching beside him and putting his head on her shoulder.

"I'm… so… sorry," he mumbled between violent sobs. He felt ashamed for what he wanted to do, for wanting it while he was supposed to mourn and finally for the fact that she was the witness of his tears.

"Shhhh, you didn't do anything wrong." She slowly passed a hand through his black locks that felt so soft underneath her fingertips.

The salty drops continued to adorn his face until he realized out of a sudden that it was November and she must be freezing.

"I'm sorry… I should go… I took enough of your time already…"

He glanced around with disorientation. He turned to leave but stopped feeling her hand on his shoulder blade.

"Derek… call me when you need to talk?" it was more like a question than a request.

"I… I'd love to," he said a bit disbelievingly.

She searched her pockets in vain, "Damn, I didn't bring my business cards. Gotta pen? Stupid question… D'you have a phone with you?"

She took his cell from his hand and created a new contact on the list.

"Oracle?" he raised his eyebrows at her.

She shrugged lightly, "I share my name with a pizza. Good night, Derek."

With the last look, she disappeared behind the door. He realized he didn't even thank her. His cell weighed consciously in his pocket; he could call her tomorrow, well, it was already today.

**********************************************************************************

A/N Please tell me what you think! I really need your feedback as of all my three fics, it's the most difficult one to write.

Have a great weekend,

Em :)


	4. Chapter 4: Dangerous And Sweet

**A/N Hi, so I owe great apologies to the readers of this fic, i****t hasn't been updated for far too long. I have been completely immersed in writing another of my stories but that one is finishing so the next update for this will certainly appear sooner than in half a year…**

**I hope you'll like this even though I wrote it after a few months' hiatus and I still need to get comfortable again with this fic.**

**It follows directly after the events of the previous chapter.**

* * *

Derek felt himself unable to move. The day was unbearable, it was nightmare and it was just beginning. He leaned back against the kitchen counter tiredly, his movements desperate as he tried to loosen his collar a little. Through the open door to the hall he could catch a glance of his family members running this way and that way preparing themselves to go out and say their last goodbye to their father.

Derek felt he couldn't do it, it was past his endurance, past his strength to be there for his loved ones. That was why he sheltered himself in the kitchen to calm himself, only minutes before they were supposed to leave. He admitted shamefully that he was weak, he wasn't the reliable man of the family Michael Shepherd always was. He didn't even want to be one at this point, he didn't know how to. How was he supposed to be the rock for everyone when he was breaking into pieces himself?

He clutched his cell phone nervously in his hand.

"_Derek… call me when you need to talk?"_

Her voice, Meredith's sweet voice echoed in his mind. With almost childlike faith or naïveté, he believed that if he just heard its soft timbre for a second it would give him the energy to go on with the day. But they saw each other only couple of hours before, late into the night. He was pretty sure he would look like a stalker if he called now. On the other hand, she allowed him to make a call when he needed it. And he did in this very moment, desperately.

Without further deliberation, he flipped his phone open and scrolled down his list of contacts. A shadow of smile passed over his lips, Oracle… He waited for the connection with anticipation, hoping that none of his relatives walked on him. It almost felt like he wasn't entitled to this treat on a day of grief like this.

"_Hello? You reached Meredith Grey."_ His heart beat faster hearing her gentle greeting.

"It's… it's Derek… from yesterday… you gave me your number…" he breathed out before he bit his tongue. He didn't need to give profuse explanations as to his identity, she didn't have short term memory problems for sure.

"_Good morning, Derek."_ Was it his imagination that she sounded even warmer when she heard his name?

"I… I'm sorry I'm calling so soon…" he stammered. "But… I really need to hear you… to talk to you… the day's impossible," his voice cracked a little.

"_Derek, breathe, I'm here__, okay?"_she assured him soothingly. _"You hear my voice, I'm right with you."_

Derek swallowed with difficulty pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose. "There's… I need to… the funeral…" he muttered and tried to take a deep breath in attempt to sound more coherent. "It's… my father… he's, he's dead… it was sudden…" he trailed off unable to follow.

"_I'm so sorry, Derek," _her concern felt genuine, not like empty words people mumbled every day. _"My thoughts and my heart will be with you today."_

"Thank you," he nodded gratefully. She said just a short phrase, no big words, but they warmed him like a hot shower. "I… I have to be strong for everyone and I just…"

"_Then you will be strong today, Derek,"_ she told him. She knew it was fruitless to argue that he had a right to be broken. She could only be supportive. After a brief hesitation she decided to ask, _"Do you… You can come over tonight if you need a moment not to be so strong, Derek… I'll be home from 6 p.m., you know where I live." _

"Thank you, thank you," he breathed. "I… You can't imagine what this means to me… I… You must think I'm some creep you couldn't get rid of…"

"_Yup, that would be the reason I invited you over,"_ she let out a tiniest of giggles and he couldn't help smiling.

"Derek, are you-" his mother entered the kitchen out of a sudden. As she couldn't spot him in the swarm of Shepherds, she crossed her house in search for him. She was well aware that it was the hardest day for her son, that he thought it was his responsibility to lift the weight of the world on his shoulders. Just as she expected she found him alone but… he didn't look as devastated as she feared he would be. She breathed with a confused relief seeing a small smile on his lips.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, am I interrupting?" she asked halting in the doorway.

"No, Ma," he shook his head quickly and quietly addressed his interlocutor. "I need to go, we'll finish later, right? Thank you. Yes."

He shut the phone and was beside Carolyn in two strides. "I'm sorry, is it time to go?"

"Almost," she nodded. "Was it something important?"

His fingers rubbed the phone absent-mindedly. "Yeah, yes, it was."

"Who was that?" she asked curiously. Whoever made her son smile on the hardest day of his life would be blessed.

"It's… a friend," he chose his words carefully. He knew this wonderful woman, Meredith, only for a few days but she was undoubtedly his friend, one of the best friends actually. He felt as though he could trust her with everything and she would understand, she was incredible in that respect, perfect, compassionate and giving. She was his friend, for now… He nursed a hope he would become more to her. Once the nightmare was over he would show her the man he truly was. So despite the awful today there was a future he looked forward to.

"Is it someone from the hospital?" Carolyn demanded insistently.

"No, she's…" he bit on his tongue. It was too early to talk about Meredith to his family. "It's a friend, a really good friend. How are you, Ma?" he asked concernedly brining his arm around her shoulders.

She let herself be supported by her son for a brief while. "I… I'm not sure," the last words came out as a sob. Derek hugged her closer as though determined to make sure she knew she wasn't alone.

"It's going to be okay," he heard himself saying. "But right now you don't need to be strong, I'm here."

* * *

When her phone resonated in her briefcase, Meredith was just about to dash out of her apartment. George was waiting for her outside in his car, a three-hour drive to the state prison being their immediate plans. However, the phone rang, an unknown number.

She pressed the green button and she forgot about everything else hearing his voice, her handsome stranger's voice. She would lie saying she didn't think about him since they parted the night before. He persistently kept reappearing in her thoughts bringing a series of feelings that both confused and excited her. She had absolutely no idea what he was doing in her life which he entered so unusually but was curiously ready to see what he would bring with him.

Once they hung up, she sat down on her coach quietly, lost in thought. She finally learnt the reason behind his pain. Truth to be told, she suspected something like that, a death in the family. The death of his father, a completely unexpected one from what she was told.

An energetic knocking on her front door startled her out of a sudden. She grabbed her travelling mug filled with hot coffee and her documents, and stumbled out almost crashing into George.

"Meredith?" he frowned slightly. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, sorry for keeping you waiting," she apologized quickly. "I got a call when I was just about to leave."

"Okay," he nodded walking behind her to the elevator. "It's just…"

"Just what?" she asked him briskly as they sped down.

"You've been… a bit distracted at times…" he said uncomfortably. "I don't mean at work, after work. It's like we leave a meeting and you switch off."

"It is?" she asked feeling self-conscious. Apparently, she wasn't aware Derek was having so much influence on her.

"Pretty much, you're not nervous about the case, right?"

"I am," she sighed. "I am nervous, this man's life is in my hands but it's not the reason I've had my head in the clouds… you know?" she waved a hand in front of her face laughing at her own silliness. "Just don't say anything to Cristina Yang. She'll be after my ass if she gets wind something's going on."

"And what is going on?" George tried to make some sense out of the conversation.

"If I only knew," she chuckled as they made their way to the car.

"Here, grab this," George handed her a considerable-looking folder. "That's the full documentation, everything on the vics and their families, pictures included."

"Great, he didn't make any problems?" asked Meredith referring to her contact at the police.

"He said a date wouldn't hurt."

Meredith rolled her eyes and joked, "He asked you on a date?"

"Meredith!" whined George and started the engine.

* * *

Today's trip to the prison was a waste of time. The guards brought William to talk with her but her client either observed her with a smirk or yawned with boredom and indifference. How was she supposed to help him if he didn't seemed to want to be helped?

Following the laws of logic, a mentally healthy man was expected to fight for his life against all odds while Dunn simply didn't care. Did she question his sanity? Of course, she did. But apparently, according to a police consultant, he suffered from no psychological problem. That was why the police and the persecutor saw William's actions as a cold blooded murder. Meredith couldn't disagree more. Actually, to her, every murder was a crime of passion.

Besides, where was William's motive? From his records she knew he was a petty thief though without a history of violence. Why he would go to a random store and start killing people out of a sudden? It didn't make sense.

Meredith decided to let her mind rest from William for a moment and catch up on people who were hurt at his hands. Derek would probably come soon but she still had time to study the documents brought by her assistant. The first folder contained the information about Michael Shepherd, the owner of the store and the father of one of Lexie's bosses. Meredith's eyes moved smoothly line after line, internalizing the details and trying to picture in her mind the circumstances of the fatal evening.

The sound of the phone interrupted her train of thoughts and she picked up not darting her eyes from the report.

"Meredith Grey-"

"Where are you, bitch?"

"Why, hello to you to, Cristina," quipped Meredith hearing her friend's grumpy voice.

"Cut that crap, what's going on? I haven't seen you in the firm for ages."

"It hasn't been ages," said calmly Meredith. Her person had a tendency to exaggerate to produce a better effect, both in court and in real life. "And you know I'm on Dunn's case, Mitchell let me concentrate on it."

"Yeah, how's that going?" she asked skeptically.

"I'm hitting a dead end after a dead end," sighed Meredith. "My client isn't exactly cooperative."

"He prefers a lethal injection? Client demands, client gets."

"Well, I don't prefer that," stated firmly Meredith.

"You really should do something with that hero complex of yours," jibed Cristina.

"I don't have a hero complex," argued Meredith reheating an old argument.

"Yeah, yeah. Apart from that, is there anything else new?" Cristina probed suspiciously. "My super instinct tells me there is. So what is it? I don't have the energy to drag my butt out to you, was on my feet all day."

"There's nothing new," replied Meredith and turned the page. Her eyes fell on a small photo that was clipped to a file. "Oh, no…"

She easily recognized the face of the man she found so intriguing. Derek… Derek…Shepherd… Now everything made sense. His presence at the police station, the miserable state in which he was when she picked him from the street, the funeral… With a sinking heart did she realize what he had gone through. He could have got hurt had he been in his father's shop. And then, later that her mind would usually register, she got the firm grasp of the obvious. Derek was basically on the opposite side. Her client was directly responsible for the demise of his father.

"Meredith? Mer? What's wrong?" Cristina's concerned questions rang in her ear.

She cleared her throat quickly, "I'm… uhm… going through the files as we speak. I've just discovered something. I need to go, okay? I'll catch up with you later,"

"You do that," growled Cristina.

She rarely let anything surprise her so deeply as this relationship that should have never happened. It was wrong on so many levels, at least in the eyes of law. She and her client could have serious troubles if it ever come to light that she made acquaintance with a witness without prior informing him who she was. No one would care she didn't know his identity either, she could be accused of trying to exert pressure on a witness, a witness that was practically a victim himself. Imagine all the bad press that would follow.

Thankfully, the thing between her and Derek didn't have time to evolve into something serious, it would have been painful. She had to stop it before it could get out of handle. Only, what was she going to say to Derek? How was she going to explain to him the whole complicated mess?

She undoubtedly had to. She couldn't let him learn from a third party, which would unavoidably happen given the fact that her face was going to appear sooner or later in the media. And the trial, Derek was going to testify in court…

Meredith threw the papers onto the coffee table and closed her eyes bringing a cold hand to her forehead. Damn case, damn William Dunn. It was all disturbing her too much, it was affecting her good judgment.

* * *

When almost an hour later, her doorbell announced there was a guest at her door, she opened the door with a heavy heart. Quite surprisingly given the short time span, she grew to care for Derek, the mysterious man. Maybe Cristina was right after all about her hero complex. She wanted to soothe his pain that was so evident in his blue eyes. He had amazing eyes, clear and expressive, nowadays reflecting vulnerability. Meredith was curious how they looked when he was happy. Was he that type of person whose laughter spread all over his features reaching his eyes? Was there ever a mischievous spark playing in them?

She pulled open the door and looked up at him drawing a deep breath to explain that their acquaintance could not continue the way it was developing, that he shouldn't even come in, as insensitive as it would sound…

"Hi," he said with a cracking voice, rubbing his hands absent-mindedly. They were probably ice cold.

"Derek, I-" she started to say but was surprised by him mid-sentence as took her in a delicate unsure embrace.

"Derek, you're shivering," she gasped, her arms going around his back involuntarily. She couldn't throw him out like this or her conscience would haunt her forever. Frankly, she didn't have a heart to. "Come in, you need to get warmer."

She led him to the sofa where he sat heavily as though all strength left him.

"I'll…" she stammered a bit at loss what to do. "I'll make you a hot tea, okay? So you can stop shaking. And later… we can… talk."

She made to go to the kitchen but he caught her wrist in the gentlest of touches.

"Wait… wait, please," he whispered as she perched beside him, her hand still in his. "I… it was horrible…"

Meredith could only nod. She doubted she would be so broken after the death of one of her parents. Thatcher Grey reappeared in her life only recently and she never had strong bond with her mother.

"My family is Catholic, you know. I have a big family."

Meredith knew that already. She read in the files that Michael Shepherd had five children. It now felt as if she betrayed his trust and violated his privacy.

"The mass was endurable," Derek went on. "But the cemetery, God, it was just… I don't think I'll ever forget my mother's face when… when we lowered…" he trailed off. Meredith squeezed his palm and he found the strength to continue. "And then we had a real invasion on our house… friends, family, extended family… Have I mentioned I come from a big family? I thought they would never leave, that the day would never end…"

"But you were strong right?" Meredith sent him a tiniest of smiles. "Just like you said you had to be."

"I guess so," he nodded pensively, feeling surprisingly lighter having confessed everything to her, or almost everything.

"So, I'll get you that tea," she stood up energetically, "and then… I have something important to say to you as well."

"Okay," he agreed quietly, his muscles relaxing.

Meredith always knew when to tell the truth, when it was better to wait and when one shouldn't be tardy with it. She knew it now too. Derek deserved to be told, it was unfair to keep it from him. Still, it must have been the longest prepared cup of tea in the world. Too long, she realized when she was back at her living room noticing Derek dozed off in the meantime. He was half-sitting, half-lying in the most uncomfortable of positions, his head on the arm of the sofa.

Sighing, Meredith deposited the tray on the coffee table and crouched near him intent to gently nudge him awake. Instead, her hand wandered onto his cheek. He didn't even stir when her thumb smoothed the small wrinkles in the corner of his eye. She would wake him up and what? He was counting on her, trusting her, and she was supposed to send him back into the night?

The truth could wait until the morning. She gingerly pulled his legs from the floor to position him more comfortably on the sofa and took off his shoes. She brought a small pillow to put under his head and a thick blanket to cover his warming body. After a brief moment of hesitation, she pressed a soft kiss to his forehead and dimmed the lights, sank into the armchair across from him and immersed herself in her very confused thoughts.

* * *

**A/N I would greatly appreciate any comments you might have.**

**Have a great week,**

**Em**


	5. Chapter 5: Get Out Of My Dreams

**A/N Thank you for the wonderful response after the last chapter, especially so that the update came after such a long a hiatus.**

**Hope this update will not let you down!**

* * *

When Meredith woke up the next day, she needed a few minutes of blinking and rubbing her eyes before her mind started to work out what was happening with her. She was lying on her coach, the blanket she had covered up Derek with last night was now wrapped around her. A faint aroma of coffee and the sizzling of pan were coming from the kitchen. She sat up slowly, almost resignedly. A new day came unavoidably with all its consequences. Her eyes darted under the coffee table where the files to her case lied untouched since the previous day.

She tried to clumsily get her hair in order when Derek entered the living room.

"You're awake, good morning," he smiled up at her, depositing a tray on the table, and Meredith was slightly taken aback by the lightness in his voice. "I didn't want to wake you up but I have to go soon. I never made it back home last night and my family is going berserk."

Meredith only nodded and reached for a cup of coffee with a sigh.

"Look, I'm sorry for I put you trough last night," he continued more soberly, his expression apologetic. "I never meant to fall apart like that… I was just… I was exhausted…"

"It's okay," she assured him trying to stay as little personal as she could. What was the point of strengthening their bond if it just couldn't exist?

"It's hardly okay," Derek shook his head firmly. "We barely know each other… you should have kicked me out and certainly not spent the last night in a chair. I want to make it up to you," he looked at her hopefully, cocking his head.

Meredith felt herself momentarily mesmerized by his eyes. He had truly beautiful eyes, baby blues. And the look… What did everyone called him at work according to Lexie? Dr. McDreamy? Totally justified.

"Derek-" she began cautiously.

"I know I've been pretty messed up, but I'm having a hard time," he admitted. "But I can see myself pulling though, also thanks to you. I'd be happy if you gave me a chance to show you the whole me."

"Derek," she braced herself to look at him sincerely and out away her coffee. "I'm sorry, I truly am but… I don't think we can… go on with this…"

He straightened his head again, frowning ever so slightly. "I… I know I took a lot of your time… and as I said we barely know each other," he stammered. "I really think we have… this connection though. I'd just like to thank you for all you've done for me. And above all, I'd like to get to know you better. I already explained yesterday why I was such a human accident-"

"Derek, it's nothing personal," she sighed. "I'd love to know you better… but I'm afraid we can't."

He nodded slowly swallowing hard. "I understand… it's just you said…"

"That was before I knew… I wanted to talk to you about it yesterday but you were in no shape."

"In no shape?" asked Derek puzzlement. "To talk about what?"

"I've never told you what I do," she sighed. "I'm a lawyer… and I'm working on a case right now."

"So?" frowned Derek. "What does it have to do with me?

"Everything," she replied hollowly. "I had no idea when me met. I didn't know."

"What are you talking about? I don't understand," he stared at her with his eyebrows raised.

"I'm… I'm William Dunn's attorney," she admitted quietly.

Derek's face seemed to pass through each and every stage of shock until it stopped at one that expressed no visible emotion, only numbness.

"Derek, I really had no idea…" she repeated firmly.

He nodded, then shook his head and dropping his gaze from her sprang to his feet. He look wildly around in search of his things.

"I didn't want this to end like that…" insisted Meredith tucking her hair behind her ears nervously. He appeared not be listening to any more word of her as he threw his coat on haphazardly.

"Derek-"

Without another look in her direction he marched out leaving her behind.

"Derek-"

The thud of the shutting door was her only answer. She sat back down on the coach and cradled her cup of coffee wanting it warm her after the sudden loss she couldn't help experiencing. She wasn't the only one. Several floors below, Derek came to a halt leaning against the wall breathlessly in the dark staircase. There was the feeling again he thought was over, helplessness and abandonment, a frightening emptiness. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. His father was… and Meredith was… How could she…? He pushed himself off the cold wall and into the street. He could never understand the workings of life.

* * *

"Derek?" Carolyn halted in the doorway to her living room which had temporarily turned into Derek's office. Her son was staying with her for the time being, supposedly for her sake, but she was glad she could keep an eye on him. The last two days that passed since the funeral were hard on everyone but Derek seemed to be on edge. Carolyn couldn't explain the change in his behavior; he had been doing so well. And then he disappeared for the whole night after they said their last goodbye to Michael and when he returned in the morning he was like a man possessed. He was in the worst state she ever saw him.

He shut everyone off, his first reaction to everything was cynicism and anger. He was broken. Apparently, even Chief Webber noticed the shift in him as he sent his head of neuron on a leave. Carolyn wasn't sure if this would be of any help to her son other than to alienate him further from the outside world.

"Derek?" she called for the second time.

"Wha- Ma," he said finally lifting his head from a medical journal. "Everything's okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry," she smiled at him walking up to the table. "I'm going to make myself a cup of tea and I thought maybe you'd like to grab something to eat?"

"Thanks, Mom," he sighed. "But I'm not really hungry."

"Sweetie, I really don't feel like giving you a rant about taking care of yourself," she sent him a sad smile. "You barely nibble on your breakfast, you leave your dinner untouched… Do you want to pass out somewhere in the street?"

He looked up at her quickly but her regard calmed him down. She didn't know anything about his reckless adventures. He finally nodded and followed her to the kitchen.

"I'm not telling this to make you feel bad and guilt talk you," she continued gently bustling around the kitchen. "I don't know much about grief… God knows I'm still learning but… you can't do this to yourself," she looked at him shrewdly. "You're acting like your life has no worth and it scares me."

A chill passed down his spine, his lungs felt oppressed and breathless. "I'm… sorry," he raked his hair absent-mindedly.

"You're sorry," she repeated. "You see, you're sorry because you think you're causing me more worry."

"And I am-"

"Derek, stop," she said firmly sitting down across the table. "You need to stop running away from everything and snapping at everybody except me. I know it's hard but you need to face it."

"I'm not snapping at everybody…" he muttered.

"You yelled at Nancy," reminded him Carolyn.

"She's… overbearing," he breathed out.

"She was only worried, like we all. You went out for the whole night and you shut off your phone. And you still didn't-"

"Look, it doesn't matter where I went-"

"I'm not trying to force you into talking," argued Carolyn. "You're not ten-years-old anymore. You have your life, I respect that. But I can't watch you destroy yourself."

"I just need… a little more time," he said pleadingly.

"You need to talk to somebody…" she said cautiously. "You seem not able to talk to any of us… maybe because you had a special bond with your father… maybe because," the words came with difficulty, "you almost got hurt yourself. Maybe you should turn to-"

"Psychological help?" he asked harshly. "No. I won't be baring my soul to a stranger. It will just… pass."

"Okay then," nodded Carolyn. "What about… a friend?"

"Ma," he whined.

"I remember you talking to someone before the service," she said innocently. "It seemed to have good influence on you. You told me she was a friend."

"She's… she's not a friend," he gritted out staring fixedly at the table before him.

"Is she something more?" Carolyn asked hopefully.

"She isn't anything, Mom," he cut off with a finality in his voice.

She studied his face silently noticing how his features hardened at the mention of his friend. There was certainly a story behind it, maybe some heartache even. Why couldn't her son find happiness? That spark in his eyes when he talked with that woman over the phone almost left her hoping.

"I guess… you'd better stay home then," she sighed getting to her feet.

"Stay home? What do you mean?" he frowned.

"I… have got a phone call today. From Mrs. Hoult. You know-"

"The other man's wife," nodded Derek. David Hoult was killed seconds after his father, while trying to placate the attacker, William Dunn. "What did she want?"

"She said…" sighed Carolyn. "Her son, he works in the press. He learnt they're bringing… that man," she gripped her cup tighter, "they're brining that man into town from the prison. To get a second psychological opinion."

"Of course," snorted Derek. "They're trying to make a crazy out of him, irresponsible for his actions."

"Anyway," interrupted Carolyn. "There's going to be some kind of demonstration there and anti-demonstration. Mrs. Hoult wants to go. And me too."

"What?" he gasped. "Ma, you don't have to do this to yourself."

"I want to see him, I want to look into his eyes," she breathed out.

"This is a bad idea, all through," he argued firmly. "You've already seen his face, all over the news. Trust me, you'll see enough of it when the trial begins." He shuddered slightly at the thought. He tried not to think about it, to push it out of his mind. But one day, and soon, he would have to take the stand and tell everyone what he had seen, what he had been through. He would have to watch her… Meredith stand up from her seat and protect the man that struck such a terrible blow to his family. And he still couldn't bring himself to utterly hate her.

"I am going, Derek," she stated decisively. "I need this, I need to face my demons. For you, it may be too early. I'll ask Mark to give me a ride."

"No, I'll do it," he shook his head.

"Derek-"

"I said I'd do it, Ma," he cut off. "You want me to face my demons, don't you?" He was going to face them alright, the man who killed his father and the woman whose face haunted him at night.

* * *

"No!" exclaimed Meredith, folding her arms over her chest.

"Sorry, bitch," shrugged off Cristina. "Boss's orders."

"I don't care about Mitchell's orders!" bit back Meredith. "I don't need a babysitter!"

"No one said you're incapable, Mer," argued Cristina knowingly. "It just might get… rough."

"It was fine in the morning!" She was waiting for Dunn's psychological consult to come to an end when she was joined by Cristina, instructed by their employer to flank her side.

"Hopefully, it will be fine when we get out but you know what people are like, even the so-called good ones," muttered Cristina. "They'll rip you apart to prove they're right."

Meredith let out a sigh and leaned back against the wall.

"You never returned the call," remarked Cristina but without reproach.

"I've been working," Meredith replied numbly. Working, grasping at every tiny detail that could help her, and… actively not thinking about Derek Shepherd. It was actually easier to forget about him during the day when she was snowed under with work. In the night, her mind was invaded by dreams in which he reproached her severely for siding with his father's murderer.

"Then you should slow down a little," said Cristina. "You look like hell."

"Aw, you're worried about me?" snorted Meredith, setting her up.

"As a matter of fact, I am," admitted Cristina truthfully making her friend look up at her in shock. "Mitchell was right, this case is sucking your life out of you and it hasn't even started."

"It's not just the case…" sighed Meredith.

"Not just the case…" nodded Cristina skeptically. "What else then?"

"Just… forget about it." Meredith waved her hand dismissively.

She was saved from further explanation by the appearance of a professional-looking woman in her fifties.

"Ms. Grey, I think I have enough material to form a conclusion. The officers are going to take him away."

"Thank, Dr. Wyatt," nodded Meredith. "What is your opinion?"

"I'll need a day to carefully study my notes but I can tell you there's more than the first report led us to believe. He seems to have deeply rooted psychological issues, possibly a result of childhood trauma. I'll contact you tomorrow to present my opinion in greater detail."

They didn't need to wait long for the four officers to bring William Dunn out escorting him down the corridor.

"You don't know what it does to a man's ego to have such a lovely woman like you waiting for him, Ms. Grey," smiled Dunn as his eyes swept Meredith's form and gazed curiously at Cristina. "And you've brought a friend. What's your name beautiful?"

"Ok, so as to be absolutely clear," gritted out Cristina, her voice steely. "You address me again in any way, you'll be wishing you were already in prison."

"Mr. Dunn," cut in Meredith quickly. "You're to be transported back to the state prison. There might be people outside, the press. Could you wipe that smirk off your face and look remorseful for a minute, Mr. Dunn?"

"Anything for you, Ms. Grey," he nodded giving her a brief grin that soon disappeared replaced by a morose expression.

Shaking her head, Meredith and Cristina followed the procession. The door barely opened, when they were blinded by the flashes and all hell seemed to break loose. Meredith wasn't completely inexperienced at handling the media but the force of the impact was staggering. Kept at bay by the police were reporters and photographers shouting at the top of their lungs, behind them dozens of people and passersby.

"Murderer!"

"Death for death!"

"Ms. Grey! What's line of defense?"

"Will you give a statement, Ms. Grey?"

"No comment!" she answered firmly pushing away a microphone that was aimed at her.

"You're defending a murderer! Have you no conscience?"

She clenched her jaws and walked purposefully forward before the guards closed the prison van she leaned against the door and said to his client, "You see that, Mr. Dunn? They all want your blood. I don't. You know how to reach me."

The car pulled off but the boos and the angry outcries didn't cease.

"It's not only his blood they want," muttered Cristina sourly as a particularly juicy word aimed at Meredith reached their ears.

"I don't-"

"Devil's advocate!"

Meredith stopped halfway through her sentence when she heard him, the man that troubled her mind for the past few days.

Her head whirled following Derek's voice and there he was. As soon as she spotted his face in the crowd, she wished she never had. His eyes were cold, so cold and hard, like she was his worst enemy. His lips… his lips were spewing words she never wanted to hear, cruel and hateful; they were freezing her soul to the core. But what did she expect?

"Meredith," Cristina nudged her out of her stupor. "Keep going. It's just some stupid jerk." They elbowed they way to Cristina's car but they didn't breathe with ease until they were two streets away.

* * *

"You know I'm far from being a quitter," Cristina broke the silence that fell when they entered Meredith's apartment. "But this case-"

"It's not the case," denied Meredith looking out of the window.

"Meredith, you don't have to lie to me too," said harshly Cristina.

"Okay, it's… connected to the case," Meredith sighed and curled up in the armchair. "I've got… emotionally involved."

"Of course you did," shrugged Cristina. "You always do."

"No, I've got emotionally involved. I… think I might have some… feelings for someone I shouldn't…" she bit her lip.

Cristina opened her eyes in realization. "You…? You have feelings for that sicko?"

"No, not William Dunn!" huffed Meredith rolling her eyes.

"Well then… who else? Spit it out!"

Meredith scrambled to his feet, rummaged through her files and showed her the page with Derek's photo.

"Derek Shepherd, 37, doctor… Wait Michael Shepherd's…"

"Son, Michael Shepherd's son," nodded Meredith. "Yeah, my client killed his father."

"Wait, wait…" Cristina stared at the photo. "I've seen him before… he was there…" she squinted at Meredith.

"Yeah."

"The man who was called you the devil's advocate?"

"Yup."

"And a bitch?"

"Right," said dryly Meredith.

"Girl, you really like it the hard way," quipped Cristina. "Do you even know him?"

"We've met," sighed Meredith reluctantly.

"You've met…" said pensively Cristina. "You had sex?"

"No, thank God!" exclaimed Meredith putting her face in her hands.

"Then how? I'm not getting any younger here!"

Meredith sank back swinging her legs over the armchair and began her tale.

"So, basically, nothing happened," commented Cristina with a frown when she finished. "I mean, not from the legal point of view. He could screw you over."

"Which he didn't," pointed out Meredith.

"Yet. Don't get me wrong, Mer, but he doesn't exactly seem to hold a torch for you. That outburst today? Delayed rage."

"Okay, fine, he hates my guts," spat Meredith. Why was it so painful to admit it?

"Meredith, be reasonable," Cristina looked her hard in the eye. "You've known him for a couple of days. How much emotionally involved could you get in that time? It's impossible."

"Is it? Then why does it feel so… so..."

"You're feeling guilty," Cristina easily found the answer. "And you need to stop. Because you're not the one who killed those people. You're just doing your job. Okay? So, either give up this case or suck it up and fight."

"Right," nodded Meredith wishing it was that easy. "Right."

* * *

"Ma. Ma," sighed Derek following Carolyn inside, his eyes falling uneasily at the candles people left in front of the house. "Please, just say something."

"What do you want me to say, Derek?" she asked, her voice seemingly calm but betraying emotions she was trying not to show. "That I knew you should have stayed at home? That it's not how we raised you!"

"I just… lost control," he argued excitedly but with shame pressing on his chest. "Aren't _you_ angry?"

"I am, Derek!" Carolyn's voice finally raised to a shout. "I am angry that someone took the love of my life and the father of my children away from me so carelessly! That I'll be alone from now on! That he hurt my children and he doesn't give a damn about it! I am angry, trust me, Derek. But that doesn't give me the right to pour that anger onto somebody else."

"I hate this man," he muttered.

"I'm not telling you to forgive him because I'd be a hypocrite," she sighed. "But you can't, Derek, you can't be mad at everyone. And your behavior was unacceptable even after they took him. How could you yell at that poor woman, his lawyer?"

"I… I…" he trailed off blinking rapidly.

"When she looked at you, for the first time in my life I was ashamed for you," she berated him but she softened immediately seeing his tormented face. She came back to him putting one arm around his waist. "So please, don't push the people who love you away. The only thing you'll have left is rage."

"I love you, Derek," she gave him a tiny smile. "No matter what. Let's go back into the house, it's getting quite cold, dear."

"I love you too, Ma," he sighed. He knew well enough his behavior was unacceptable, completely out of character. But when he saw her, Meredith, so close to this butcher… caring for him, something snapped in him. That was why he directed all his anger at her. And even then he couldn't persuade himself she was an agent of evil; even then, he couldn't be indifferent to the way the light played in her green eyes, to the way the wind danced in her hair.

* * *

**A/N Please, review!**

**Have a good Sunday,**

**Em :)**


	6. Chapter 6: The Day Before The Day

**A/N Thank you for all the support! This is a bit fillerish before more breakthrough updates that are to follow but I still hope you're going to enjoy it!**

* * *

Meredith raised her fist and knocked three times on the door to a simple neat house. Along with her assistant, George O'Malley, she was on another field trip, this time to a small town just outside of Seattle. They drove out there in hope of seeing Ms. Amelia Whitcomb who, according to old records of William Dunn, was his aunt and at one time came close to becoming his legal guarding. It was doubtful she was in any contact with him lately given the fact that no one came to visit him in prison but perhaps she could shed some light on his mysterious past or his character. The trial was fast approaching and they were in desperate need of something, anything, that would substantially back up the line of defense they adopted.

Meredith knocked once more. They received no answer but in the corner of her eye, she registered a gentle sway of the curtain in the nearest window.

"Someone's in," muttered George.

"Ms. Whitcomb?" Meredith's voice was loud and clear to be heard inside the house. "I'm Meredith Grey and this is George O'Malley, we're defending your nephew, William Dunn-"

The door opened unexpectedly but the chain was still on. A kind-faced older woman peeked through the crack.

"You're not from the press?" she asked warily.

"No, we're not. I'm Meredith Grey, your nephew's counsel. We'd just like to talk to with you. Can you give us some of your time, Ms. Whitcomb?"

The door closed back, they heard the rustle of the chain and it opened again this time enough to let them in.

"Please, come in," invited them the woman. "I'm sorry if I seemed rude. I thought the press finally found me… and I don't want to talk with them."

"Quite understandably," nodded Meredith as they sat down in the small living room.

"So, uhm, is it… did Will really do that?" she asked twisting her fingers nervously.

"I'm afraid so. There is no doubt," informed her Meredith. "He was recognized by several witnesses and was caught later that night in possession of the gun from which came the fatal bullets."

"Oh, well," sighed Ms. Whitcomb walking briefly to the kitchen to take the whistling kettle from the stove. "I hoped there was some kind of terrible mistake but…"

"Where you close to Mr. Dunn?"

"I used to," she nodded when she rejoined them bringing a teapot and three cups. "I was trying to adopt him when he was eight-years-old; his mother, my sister Lynn, had just died from cancer. His father had long been out of the picture, he was some shady character. No one knew what happened to him."

"Growing up without the father, it must have been hard on him," said softly Meredith. It certainly was on her.

"It may surprise you, but it wasn't," Ms. Whitcomb shook her head. "He was a little angel at the time, polite and soft. A bit introvert, true, but he took that after Lynn. Her death was a real blow though, they were so close."

"And you wanted to adopt him after she passed away?" asked George.

"I did," a brief smile appeared on her face. "I tried but I had little chance."

"Can I ask why is that?" asked Meredith. "We couldn't find it anywhere in the papers."

"I was single, I was sick, I have diabetes, you see, and I did odd jobs. So he was given into his grandparents' care."

"The father's parents?"

"Yes. You know, I've been thinking for the last few days that maybe… if I had tried harder… fought harder for him, it wouldn't have ended like this…"

"You didn't think William's grandparents could take good care of him?"

"I didn't think… I knew it. Their own son turned into a criminal, didn't he? His grandfather was particularly awful man," she recollected. "You may be wondering how he got custody? He made good appearances. You know the type. A good citizen on the outside, a devil at home."

"You didn't do anything?" asked George.

"I couldn't do anything," she answered hollowly. "But… I know I let him down."

"Failing to create a home for him?"

"That too but… I abandoned him somewhere between the next visit to the doctor and trying to scrape a decent living. And then I moved out here in order to able to support myself. We kind of lost touch with each other to just a few calls over the years."

"You live here by yourself?"

"Yes, unfortunately," sighed Ms. Whitcomb. "Hope you don't mind me asking, is it relevant… what we're talking about?"

"I think it is, Ms. Whitcomb," nodded Meredith. "You see, William is refusing to cooperate in any way. He doesn't want to talk he doesn't want to plead guilty. He's completely unresponsive. I have acquired an additional medical opinion that may provide some mitigating circumstances but I need facts to back it up."

"Okay," breathed out his interlocutor. "Okay. I'll try to help the best way I can. That's the least I can do for my sister and my nephew."

* * *

"Where do you want me to drive you?" asked George as they were reaching the Seattle city center a couple of hours later. "Your place?"

"No, I have an errand to run. Can you let me out somewhere before the lights when we turn into Pike Street?"

The so-called errand consisted in seeing her sister Lexie and calming her the hell down. All the family saw her face in the media the memorable day William was taken to Dr. Wyatt and Meredith was since pestered by each and every one of the Greys (Molly and her husband included). She had agreed to pop in at Lexie's to show she was completely fine and not wallowing in depression.

"Meredith!" exclaimed Lexie as she opened the door her flat and swept her into a tight hug. "Finally! Are you alright? Gosh, it was absolutely horrible how these people treated you! You're-"

"Lexie! Lex," Meredith tried to cut in. "It is nothing. I had been more or less aware something like this might happen. I told you you've got nothing to worry about."

"Of course I have!" Lexie shook her head hanging her coat on the rack. "My sister was treated like crap, my wonderful big sister. I can't just let it slide now, can I?"

Meredith couldn't help a smile stretching on her lips. Who would've thought they didn't even know each other five years ago?

"So, how is it going, really?" asked Lexie as they perched in the tiny kitchen space over hot coffee and Susan's apple pie. "Just no bullshit, please!" she ordered lifting her finger threateningly.

"Better," replied Meredith confidently. "I finally have the feeling we hit something."

"That's good!" nodded Lexie. "So… you're continuing with the case?"

"I am. I am not quitting."

"I knew you wouldn't," sighed her little sister. "You never do, regardless how hard the case is."

"You know, enough about me," said Meredith categorically. "What's new with you? Any interesting surgeries? An inflamed appendix for you to fly a solo? A super tumor? A severed penis?"

"Mer!" giggled Lexie. "The first solo… is coming… but it doesn't have to be me! There's pretty strong competition."

"You're too modest for your own good. You should talk to my mother," smiled Meredith. "Or maybe not, I don't know if there'd be anything left of your ego."

"Besides, everyone at the hospital still seems to be a bit down," went on Lexie. "With… what happened to the Shepherds."

"Oh," breathed out Meredith, her pulse quickening. Truth to be told, there was another reason Meredith wanted to talk to her sister, her working for the same hospital as Derek… She tried to blame it on professional curiosity but deep down she knew better, she needed to know how he was holding up. "Oh, right, your boss, Dr. Shepherd. How is he?"

"Actually, I don't know," said Lexie dejectedly.

"Why not?" frowned Meredith, inexplicable anxiety stirring up inside her.

"We haven't really seen him since the day after. Chief Webber sent him on leave until he's… He wasn't exactly up to taking care of patients, to be honest…"

"And he hasn't come in since?" asked Meredith, her face taking the same impassive expression as often in court.

"No, and it's pretty depressing," admitted Lexie. "It's… not the same without Dr. Shepherd. He's such a nice man, and a real chatty Cathy," she smiled sadly. "Hopefully he comes out of it soon. He has a family to hold on to."

"Right, the family…"

Derek did have a large family but from what he told her, she gathered he struggled to open up to them.

"Mar- Dr. Sloan is not himself either," went on Lexie. "He almost fell apart in front of me."

"You're on a first name basis with him?" Meredith raised her eyebrows curiously, picking up the slip of the tongue easily. She needed to steer the conversation away from Derek. Whatever she did or say, her thoughts always ended up with his image in her head. Whatever was the cause for that, her apparent guilt or some unhealthy fascination with him, it needed to stop lest she wouldn't be able to function.

"I… no! Of course not!" gasped Lexie frantically.

"Me thinks lady protests too much," smirked Meredith, watching the colour rise on her sister's cheeks.

"Has something happened between you?"

"Meredith, he's my boss! How would it look like-"

"Slutty," quipped Meredith and added in her thoughts, _but still better than me and Derek._ "So spill."

Lexie's eyes roamed all around except Meredith's face.

"Er… nothing really happened but… I told you he sorta fell apart in front of me… well, I was there."

"Obviously," chuckled Meredith.

"I mean, only me… We were kinda… alone…"

"You were alone," said Meredith suggestively. "Was it in an on-call room?"

"No such thing! It was after surgery, we were scrubbing out and it was long… and he was tired…"

"And?" Meredith wiggled her eyebrows.

"And he… well, cried and I hugged him…" muttered the brunette, now all beet red.

"He cried?" repeated Meredith, the teasing gone from her voice. It was as vivid in her memory as it happened yesterday, Derek curled up on the curb in front of her building, the dark cold night around them.

"It was… a moment," shrugged Lexie, composing herself. "And now I think he's avoiding me."

"I'm sorry, Lex," sighed Meredith. "I guess men don't really like looking vulnerable."

"It's stupid!" huffed Lexie. "He's hurting, it's normal!"

They sat in silence for a moment until she asked out of a sudden, "What about your mystery guy?"

"Mystery guy…?" Meredith looked up uneasily.

"Yeah, you know which one. You don't pick up men from the street every day, even you. Do you have any idea who it was?"

Meredith pierced her sister with her regard. She would love to hear her view on the recent developments in her life, it would certainly vary greatly from Cristina's. She didn't want to lie to her since she was so honest with her, but… Lexie didn't need any complications, things might get awkward at the hospital, even more so as her little sister was obviously not indifferent to Dr. Sloan, despite how hard she denied it.

"I saw him again," confessed cautiously Meredith.

"Seriously? You did?" Lexie leaned forward, hungry for details. "What? How? When?"

"A few days ago, he came to Joe's… I had taken him for breakfast there…"

"Oh, that sounds so romantic…" sighed Lexie, propping her head on her hand. "Are you going to meet him again?"

"I… no," Meredith swallowed hard. "There are some differences between us that are… well, insurmountable."

"That's too bad. It could have been something great" Lexie scrunched her face.

"It could have," nodded Meredith with a sigh.

* * *

From Lexie's apartment Meredith went over to Joe's bar, her insides squirming with hunger. Lexie invited her to stay for dinner with her roommate but Meredith knew better than to take her up on that offer. Lexie's cooking skills rivaled her own and that was saying something. Now she was after a delicious copious meal and as a result, the world seemed brighter and better, until… she heard her mother's voice behind her back.

"Finally, Meredith, I've been waiting over an hour on your doorstep!"

"Mom!" she froze with her hand lifted to unlock the door. "What are you doing here?"

"Standing and waiting for you," she threw back resolutely. "Aren't you going to properly greet me?"

With a roll of her eyes, Meredith went up to press a hurried kiss onto her cheek and opened the door.

"Why are you here, mom?" she rephrased her question.

"I've heard you got yourself into quite a mess," she replied disapprovingly. "You hadn't chosen medicine and now you're about to destroy the one career you have."

Great, Ellis apparently learnt she was on William Dunn's case. She cringed, was her face shown in the national news?

"How d'you know?" she asked tiredly, dragging the suitcases her mother left purposefully at the entrance.

"I've got a call," she shrugged off making herself at home.

"Susan!" groaned Meredith. "I'm gonna kill her…"

Her stepmother must have been the culprit. She had already called Ellis once when Meredith was hospitalized for appendicitis. At the time, Dr. Grey didn't come. A simple case of inflamed appendix didn't require her personal attention. Apparently, a murder case did.

"Susan has the tendency to go over the top," said Meredith. "You should know that."

"She was close to calling me a bad mother," informed her sourly Ellis. "So I'm here."

"And I still don't know what for. So that we could annoy each other?" Her relations with her mother were never easy, despite her best efforts. Sometimes, she felt she had to be on top of her court game when dealing with Ellis.

"What possessed you to agree on defending that man?" Ellis barked out straightforwardly.

"He is a human being, he needs help!"

"He brought it on himself," argued her mother. "He's not some old lady conned at the grocery shop for five dollars or a sweet naïve girl molested by her boss. He is a murderer!"

"Don't you think I know that?" asked patiently Meredith. "I am well aware who he is and what he did! I'm sure it will come in handy when the trial starts on Friday."

"And you're still hell-bent on representing him!" gasped Ellis. "Do you also know whom he killed? The father of one of the most talented surgeons in America died at his hand. How am I ever going to look Dr. Shepherd in the eye?"

"I think he's a bit too young for you," Meredith remarked dryly, trying not to listen to her mother. She had nothing to be ashamed for. She'd done no morally reprehensible thing.

"I recognize my mistakes," said gravely Ellis. "I should have put my foot down on these eccentricities of yours when you were a child and brought all these wounded animals in the house. And everyone said it was normal…"

"I've made coffee," informed her Meredith ignoring her remarks completely. "Help yourself, I need to sort my mail."

George had brought her week's correspondence this morning. Several trees must have been fell down to provide all the paper. Resignedly, she took to open envelope after envelope. One of them bore no sender or address. She frowned when she straightened out the piece of paper it contained. She pinched her arm to check if she wasn't dreaming or watching a spy movie. The letter destined for her was two sentences long and consisted of words cut out from newspapers.

MURDERER'S ACCOMPLICE. DIE, BITCH!

She felt her mother's breath on her shoulder.

"Fabulous," the sarcasm in Ellis's voice couldn't be more evident. "Just fabulous."

* * *

Mark got out of his car in front of the Shepherd household with a heavy heart. He still didn't get accustomed to the thought he wouldn't be greeted with Michael and Carolyn's playful banter on passing the doorstep. When Derek brought him home years and years ago, they practically adopted him. He shortly became a fully-fledged family member, he gained a family he had never had before with his constantly absent father and mother who didn't see anything past the tip of her own nose. Mark was sure it wouldn't be half as hard if either of them passed away.

And now he also felt he was slowly losing his best friend too, his brother. Derek was in complete meltdown, he wasn't even capable of doing his beloved job right. It was odd without Derek at his side for so long, it was almost a week. They always stack together, school, premed, med school, residency and now they worked together too. At the hospital, Derek was McDreamy, Mark Dr. McSteamy. They weren't identical, far from it. Derek was a decent solid guy while he - an incorrigible manwhore. Still, they were the best of friends.

"Ma," he greeted Carolyn with a hug. "How is it going?"

"Mark," she smiled at him, looking at him shrewdly, undoubtedly seeking any sign he wasn't sleeping or eating enough. "I'm okay, as far as I can be. Come in to the kitchen. I'll heat up the dinner for you, Derek barely swallowed anything, so there's plenty left.

"Sorry, Mom, but I'm full," he patted himself on the stomach. "I grabbed something on the way here."

"You should know I always have something in store. I haven't completely lost it yet, dear," she said beratingly though with a twinkle in her eye. "I can still manage my own house."

"Next time," he promise chuckled along with her. He sobered and asked, "How is he? Chief was asking for him today, I didn't know what to say. He hasn't been answering my calls."

"Well, you've thrown yourself into work like crazy, Derek, on the other hand, shut himself in his room-"

"Like crazy," sighed Mark.

"You know, maybe you should try to drag him out of the house for an hour, to get some air…"

"Are you telling me to get him laid?" he asked with his usual spark of juicy humor.

"Mark Sloan!" she narrowed her eyes at him swatting him with a wet dishcloth.

"Jeez, I'm just joking," he laughed. "But I can try."

"Mark, I'm serious," she nodded at him. "Escaping into meaningless sex is the last thing he needs right now."

"Okay," he held his hands up in surrender. "I'll go up, see what I can do."

He tapped energetically on Derek's door and not waiting for the answer, stack his head inside.

"Permission requested to enter the doghouse," he growled.

"Denied," a sarcastic answer came somewhere from the bed.

"God, you're starting to decompose here," said Mark ignoring his friend's grumpiness. "You're not a bottle of wine, man, you won't get any better lying in."

"How are the things at hospital?" The tone of Derek's voice remained as wooden as ever, but his interest seem genuine.

"Odd, quite odd," answered Mark leaning back into the swivel chair. "With you gone no one can keep me in line. I even felt up an intern."

"You did what?" exclaimed Derek for the first time looking at Mark, disapproval painting on his face. There was the decent guy. "You know the staff under you is off limits!"

"Well, technically, 'under me' indicates a lot of possibilities- chill out man, I'm kidding here!" grinned Mark. "Although I did feel up an intern…"

"Mark!"

"It was completely innocent and by accident," shrugged Mark with sigh. "And it's not going to happen again. I'm avoiding her."

"Oh, so it's a her," remarked Derek sitting up on the bed.

"Very funny," huffed Mark.

"You're letting an innocent lamb walk off?" snorted Derek. "What are you not telling me? And what does feeling up by accident mean exactly?"

"Well, the last days have been hard on me too…" acknowledged Mark. "The rush of the surgery… the high… and I kind of lost it at the sinks… she was just there… to uhm, pat me on the back. I'm pretty sure I wetted her scrub top…"

"Mark," choked Derek staring at his hands. "I'm sorry… I've been too self-absorbed-"

"Does it look like I'm trying to make you feel like shit?" stopped him Mark. "It hasn't been easy on either of us."

"Yeah but I-"

"But you've always been the biggest wimp of us all," Mark cut him off with a grin. "And just to be clear, I'd prefer you to torment me for crying in front of a chick instead of apologizing. That way, I'd knew you weren't suicidal."

"I'm not suicidal," Derek rolled his eyes. "And I've cried in front of a chick too, it would be the pot calling the kettle."

"Mothers, sisters and aunts don't count."

"It wasn't my mother, sister or aunt," sighed Derek instantly regretting not keeping his mouth shut. But he was so confused, his head was such a mess.

"You're telling me you cried on the shoulder of a chick that you had hots for?" Mark arched his eyebrow curiously. "The last thing with relatively feminine curves that caught your attention was a bottle of Coke."

"So who is the poor intern you have the hots for?" asked Derek trying to change the topic.

"Oh, no! You're not wriggling out of this one! Spill or I'll tell Ma who broke Aunt Mildred's favourite flower vase!"

"You wouldn't!" hissed Derek. The infamous vase was Auntie Mildred's most treasured possession which she presumably brought from Cairo when she enjoyed her honeymoon with her now late husband. Although the vase was destroyed over twenty years ago, in very mysterious circumstances involving a bowl of jell-O splashed on the wall, Aunt Mildred still mourned it with equal zeal as her husband and the whole affair was mentioned at least once at every family gathering. If the truth ever made it to the surface, he would have to face the wrath of not only Auntie Mildred but also the whole family who was harangued by her for years.

"Try me, baby. Just try me," smirked Mark.

"Fine," he breathed out with difficulty. "I… she… I met her… or she met me…"

Mark looked at him expectantly. "And you broke in tears after you fucked her? Pretty embarrassing-"

"We didn't fuck," gritted out Derek. "We talked."

"Just talked?" Mark let out a fake snore.

"It wasn't just talk!" said Derek excitedly. "She was… God, she was like a breath of fresh air… I couldn't look at anything or anyone but her. I couldn't see anything but her. And I can't stop thinking about her, it's like a drug… It's like I won't be able to breathe if I don't see her… You get that?"

"No," answered Mark quietly. "But dad once told me…"

Derek looked up at him, tensing up.

"He told me that if I ever felt like that, I would be either the happiest man on the planet or the saddest one."

* * *

It was still dark outside when Carolyn, who had been down in the kitchen for at least half an hour, climbed back the stairs and quietly entered her son's childhood room. He was lying crumpled on his stomach, the small bed barely able to contain him. The corner of the duvet covered only his back, the rest of the material pooled on the floor. The rugged sheet underneath him indicated he didn't spend an easy night.

She had no heart to wake him up now when he was sleeping almost peacefully. But she had to.

"Sweetie," she passed her hand over his forehead and hair. "It's time to get up. You have to get up."

"Whas- no…" he muttered half-asleep. His eyes fluttered open settling on hers. As she gave him a tiny sad smile, he remembered why he had to get up. It was the first day of the trial.

* * *

**A/N Comment, comment, comment, please! I take all your suggestions into consideration.**

**Yours,**

**Em :)**


	7. Chapter 7: Here With Me

**A/N I'd like to thank everyone for their wonderful comments and say that I'm sorry that my updating rate is dropping. I have a lot of stuff going on but make no mistake, I'm going to post regularly. :)**

**I feel I need to calm you down too that it wasn't Derek who sent the letter, it will be a minor plotline anyway.**

* * *

"Meredith Grey, you fool!"

She rolled her eyes hearing her name called so obnoxiously. "Go ahead, George. I'll join you inside," she told her assistant turning her head in the direction of the man who was waiting for her inconspicuously behind one of the columns adorning the entrance to the court.

George was ready to protest at the plan of leaving her all alone with a stranger but as he squinted past her he recognized the man.

"What are you doing here, Alex?" she asked her longtime friend with a gentle smile. "Came to cheer on me?"

He snorted impatiently and held up a today's newspaper, the malicious letter she received making the front page. "What were you thinking not coming with this for help? I know you didn't, I checked the records. You could've at least come to me! Instead you're releasing it to the press?"

"Well, it's good press," she replied simply. "We need good press."

"Fine by me, by why didn't you come to us?" he kept on asking, us meaning the police. Alex helped her, unknowingly to his superiors, a few times in the past and recently by providing George with the materials.

"I don't want to put whoever was foolish enough to send it in trouble," she sighed.

"What?" he snapped. "Are you insane?"

"Look, whoever sent it to me is not a criminal here. They just feel for the people that were hurt. It was stupid and thoughtless but all in all, it was just making a statement." She didn't want to investigate who was the author of the message. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind, she was afraid to. Not that she had any suspicions it was Derek's doing. She tried to reason with herself that he would send it directly to her apartment, not the firm. Still, it could be someone Derek knew and she was far from raking it over.

"You're toeing the line here, Meredith," he shook his head. "For all you know, it can be some psycho, like the one you gathered under your wings this time."

"I have a feeling it's not," she smiled up at him.

"You and your feelings," he grumbled but her radiant face seemed to appease him. He smirked at her, "Looking good, hot and professional. Not too modest, not too hardcore either."

"Thanks," she rolled her eyes, "also for coming here for me."

"It's nothing," he shrugged. "Just… you know my number if anything goes awry-"

"I do," she nodded solemnly.

"Good luck today."

"You're wishing me good luck on defending a killer?" she raised her eyebrows.

"I'm wishing _you_ good luck, period," he shrugged and walked off.

* * *

"For God's sake, George," said Meredith crisply. "Stop pacing. You're making me nervous."

Her assistant's antics were increasing her own nervousness. She felt is she had started the day on the wrong foot anyway. She was never afraid of the courtroom, of standing up and speaking for people's rights. This time was different though. It was literally human life she was playing for while one of the pieces on the board was a man that she cared for more than she was willing to admit.

"Sorry," muttered George, a tinge of green sneaking up on his face. "Sorry…"

"George?" she addressed him in a softer voice. "I appreciate all your help, it was invaluable to me, not only on professional level. But… if our position is in any contradiction to your beliefs, you don't have to be here. And I can personally guarantee Mitchell won't go after your head."

"No!" he shook his head quickly. "This is not in any contradiction to my beliefs, okay? I believe we're doing the right thing. I am… just nervous. I've never been on a case this big."

"I've never been on such a serious case either," sighed Meredith. "Don't hold it against me for making sure you're okay about this. It's better to quit than to hate yourself for what you're doing."

"Have you ever… I mean, have your ever regretted…" he stammered. "I'm sorry, it's too personal…"

"No, it's fine," assured him quickly Meredith. "I do have a bit more experience in the field, I don't mind sharing it with you. Was I ever ashamed of what I was doing? I came close to be," she confessed truthfully. "It was my first big criminal case, still before I joined Mitchell's firm. I was defending… well, a rapist. He abused a young woman. He didn't know her, she was just there went he left from a bar, drunk. At some point… I felt repulsed with myself. They way she looked at me," reminisced Meredith. "With so much reproach, disbelief even, that I could side with him."

"I'm afraid of that," admitted George. "I'm afraid of doing something that stands completely in opposition with why I went for the law. How do you deal with that?"

"Well, I'd like to see myself doing more than get those people's asses out of trouble. While it would be to idealistic to expect to wake some people's conscience, I try to make them fully realize what they did and how it affects others. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes not."

"Why did you volunteer for this one? It's hard to believe William Dunn has any conscience whatsoever. Why are you so adamant about keeping-"

"Trying?" chuckled Meredith. "It's all about trying. And… I don't know… I can't stand when someone is left alone... it's the worst that can happen to a man, be alone. And I knew he would be. So I just jumped right into this mess."

"You are something else," chuckled George shaking his head.

"I've been told that and I'm still figuring out if it's a compliment or slander," she smiled standing up. "You don't mind me leaving you with all the stuff for a sec?"

He shook his head and she left him on the bench with all the documentation and made her way to the ladies room. She needed a minute for herself to gather her bearings. No one could probably tell but her mind was all over the place, not a good thing considering the trial started in less than an hour. Coming in, she saw an elder woman with her face in her hands, shaking skightly. Meredith rushed at her side, placing a steadying hand on her arm.

"Are you alright, Ma'am? Do you need to sit down?"

"No, thank you," replied gently the woman. "I'm quite alright… it was just a moment's weakness…"

She straightened out and Meredith almost gasped. Why didn't she choose to go the room on the other side of the hall? As she saw her gentle-featured face surrounded by short grey hair she knew exactly who she was. She remembered it from the report, it was Carolyn Shepherd, none other than Derek's mother. The woman's all too familiar clear blue eyes also seemed to flicker with recognition.

Assured that she was in fact physically fine, Meredith released her gentle hold on her arm and backed away slightly.

"I… will leave you to yourself," she nodded respectfully. "Please, excuse me."

"There's no need to," Carolyn's kind voice reached her before she turned away to leave. "I don't mind your presence."

"Still, I think it's better if I leave," replied Meredith.

"Are you alright?" Carolyn's question took her completely by surprise.

"I'm sorry?" she breathed out turning back to Derek's mother. She wasn't hostile, her regard not accusatory.

"I read in the papers today…" sighed Carolyn. "You've been receiving threats… for what you're doing… I'd like you to know that I certainly don't feel that way and I don't approve of it."

Meredith blinked studying the older woman's face. It was so unbelievable that she was hearing those words from her. Yet there was nothing but sincerity about her.

"Thank you," she acknowledged. "It's… very selfless and generous of you. And I'm truly sorry for your loss."

Carolyn nodded, her eyes dropping to the floor a moment.

Silently, Meredith made her way back to the sinks and opened the tap. The cold water felt soothing on her hands. Why was her life so damn complicated out of a sudden?

"I know I'm in no position to ask you anything," Derek's mother spoke up again. "You don't even need to listen to me or to care what I've got to say because… you have to take care of your client but… still, I have to say it… because all I have left now is my family, my children. And I need to protect them… and you seem like person who understands a lot… so, please… when you're up there, doing your job, please, don't speak to my children on behalf of this man, don't ask them… don't ask them to forgive him. If you have to… ask me, just not… not my son. He's a wreck and…"

Meredith met Carolyn Shepherd's troubled regard in the mirror trying to appear unfazed though her insides were recoiling. Derek was a wreck? He wasn't doing any better?

"Mrs. Shepherd…" said Meredith, her voice as steady as ever. "I probably shouldn't be saying this to you but I wasn't going to… address your family that is. It is not my intention to hurt you."

"I know, I know I just…" she sighed tiredly.

"Mrs. Shepherd," took up Meredith after a moment of hesitation, facing the older woman. "Who are you here for?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you here in order to deal with the situation? Or do you only want to be here for your family?"

"There wouldn't be anything wrong with that," said Carolyn quietly.

"There wouldn't," agreed Meredith. "As long as you're not killing yourself in the process. Maybe you're just not ready to be here."

"Where else would I be?" Carolyn gave her a small smile. "All that I have left is my family, there what's left of my life. Are you married, Ms. Grey? Or simply love someone in a way so strong that you believe you're destined to be with him? I assure you it's not just a fairytale for little girls. It really happens, sometimes when you least expect it. My husband was that for me. And… he's no longer here. My family is though, the family I created with him."

Meredith looked at her, cocking her head slightly, noticing more and more of Derek in the woman in front of her with every second. It seemed like a moot point to argue with Shepherds about their family affairs. She initially thought it was Derek's thing, to obsessively worry about his family. Apparently, it was a Shepherd thing.

* * *

The courtroom was filled to the brink. The corridor leading to the room was filled to the brink. A mass of people was waiting in front of the court building for any news. The security needed to be at least doubled.

Seating calmly at the table on the left side of the room, William and George at her sides, Meredith could clearly feel the power of dozens of pairs of eyes on their backs. And the talking, muttering, buzzing of angry bees. From the quick reconnaissance, she knew Carolyn Shepherd was sitting close behind, on the other side of the aisle, Derek close by accompanied by a female version of him, undoubtedly one of his sisters, and another man, who despite looking fortyish had grayish hair.

George fidgeted in his seat lightly but immediately desisted, probably reminding himself of Meredith's tips. She never did unnecessary movements, never betrayed any sign of weakness and nervousness. She exuded pure undisturbed and knowledgeable confidence. In the courtroom, nothing could throw her off balance. She was as reliable as a Swiss watch.

"Any moment now…" George breathed out.

Meredith's eyes lifted upon the wall sweeping the large clock. Five, six, seven seconds past nine. Any moment, indeed. She turned sideways to face her clients.

"Any final words?" she asked him, choosing her wording carefully. With an internal gasp of surprise that didn't make it to the surface, she realized that she did evoke some kind of reaction from him. Finally. He gulped heavily, blinked and reciprocated her gaze. He had been so completely cool, collected and detached when he was brought in. And though his ashen face could still be described as indifferent, Meredith picked up the little changes with ease.

"Why are you so pushy?" he asked quietly. "Do you want to save my soul? Or just feel pity for me? Either way, it's incredibly stupid of you and funnily enough, you don't seem stupid."

It was moments like these that made her second-guess her decisions. It was like she was being tested, her patience, her perseverance, her common sense. It would be so damn easy to just drop this case, stop worrying about it, stop obsessing over the people involved in it…

"I want to help you," she repeated for the hundredth time. "Since I believe you need help."

Dunn rolled his eyes cynically and resumed staring ahead, while Meredith took another glance at the clock. It was almost five past nine and the public, and not only public, was starting to get restless.

"Something's not right," she muttered to George. "Judge Johnston is very conscientious, scrupulous even. He's never late."

"Damn it," he sighed squinting at the crowd behind them. "They look ready to lynch him here and now if the trial doesn't start today. And somehow I don't think we'll be spared…"

Another couple of minutes later, their suspicions were confirmed. The very harassed-looking bailiff made a spectacular entrance and even more paralyzing announcement. It so happened that the judge was met with a minor accident on the way to the court. The first hearing was therefore postponed until Monday.

"Dunno if that's a good or bad omen…" muttered George, barely heard by Meredith in all the commotion and booing that the news brought about.

"This is no omen, George," she breathed out slowly getting to her feet. "Just a turn of events. And the outcome of this depends solely on how well we do in comparison to them." She pointed with her head in the direction of the prosecutor's team. "Anyway, we have three more days to polish up everything, maybe we'll be illuminated with some last minute ideas."

"And you," she faced William again, lowering the volume of her voice despite the overwhelming noise. "I will not desist being pushy, I will not stop brining this up. You are going to face what you did, I'll make sure of that. If not for your sake, then for the people you hurt." He threw her a puzzled glance but she didn't look at him anymore. She helped George carefully pack all their documentation and… waited. The guards were instructing the public to come out first. It would be senseless to try to squeeze William Dunn through the hostile crowd. The district attorney himself halted beside her with a polite nod of his head, a brief shadow of disgust marring his face as his eyes passed on her client. She couldn't blame him. Mr. O'Conner was a person of very high moral standards, she knew that having reviewed many of his cases and respected him for that. He was going to be an incredibly tough adversary.

And then, Meredith's eyes swept the public, they were drawn to the bench occupied by Derek and his family. She meant it to be just a quick look, fleeting glance. She didn't anticipated that he would be looking straight at her with the intensity of a supernova. She crashed against his cold regard as though a ship against a rocky shore. He was angry at her still… Although, there was no fury in his eyes, more like resentment, reservation, pretending. Was it really better than the previous outright rage? Case wise, undeniably, but it was also filling her with frightful realization that they were going to remain in the limbo for all eternity, that they were never going to be more than half-strangers whose story would never be fully told.

* * *

Many hours later, Meredith slipped into her bed tiredly. It was a hectic day even if and partly because the trial was rescheduled. She reached out to turn off the bedside lamp. Instead, her hand crashed against the table when she was startled by the doorbell. She sat up with a frown. It was 11 p.m., a little too late for guests. The buzzer sounded again, followed by the loud thumping of a fist against the door. It had to be her mother, she probably forgot to the keys. Strange, Ellis was supposed to work all night. Even when visiting her daughter on the other coast, she couldn't tear herself away from surgery while Seattle hospitals jumped at the occasion to host her.

Out of the usual prudence, Meredith checked out looking through the peephole. She froze plastered against the door, her eyes going wide. Her heart was beating so hard against her ribs as if it wanted to hammer its way out of her chest. It was not Ellis on the other side.

In the dimly lit corridor, she could clearly distinguish Derek's familiar silhouette pacing up and down. His nervous gestures made it look as if he was going to crawl the walls any second. She stood listlessly, her hands pressed hard against the cold planes of the door. Her breath hitched in her throat as Derek came to a halt unexpectedly, facing her… well, facing the door. He leaned on it almost mimicking her position. The look in his eyes was almost wild.

A shiver run down her spine, partly due to the cold air on her scantily clad body, partly to his utterly surprising appearance at her doorstep. What could he be doing here? Well, he certainly wanted to come in… She quickly pressed her throat to stifle a mad laughter that threatened to spill from her lips as her overactive imagination produced a particularly crazy idea. Maybe Derek was the author of the letter after all and came to do her in to punish her for staying on the case?

She jumped up when the buzzer rang up again, close to her skull. She plunged her fingers into her hair contemplating what she should do. She couldn't let him in… but she wanted so, even if he was here to yell at her.

"Meredith," his muffled voice reached her. "Please, open up."

Her hand travelled to the lock but stopped on it, uncertainty still raging in her head.

"I know you're there," he spoke up again. "I saw you coming back."

He saw her coming back? She arrived home almost two hours ago. Was he waiting at her door all this time? Instead of being at least alarmed like a normal person would be, she quickly unlocked and opened the door, coming face to face with Derek. They stared at each other what seemed like an eternity.

"Der- Mr… Dr. Shepherd," she breathed out finally, her hand gripping the edge of the door in tension. The boundaries, if there existed any, were so vaguely delineated.

"Derek," he corrected her lowly, lifted his head briefly to look up at the ceiling and returned his gaze on her, raking his hair.

"Derek…" his name rolled softly from her lips. "Why are you here?"

* * *

**A/N Next update is ninety percent MerDer. You didn't think I was going to keep them apart throughout the whole fic, did you? ;)**

**Have a great weekend,**

**Em**

**P.S. The promo for the new epi cracked me up, I actually feel excited to see it and I haven't been for a long time.**


	8. Chapter 8: All You Want

**A****/N Thank you for all your support after the last chapter! Just as I promised the following update is almost entirely MerDer, maybe that's why I am so nervous to post it…**

**Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"_Derek…" his name rolled softly from her lips. "Why are you here?"_

"Meredith!" his voice seemed strangled, tortured. His regard was still a little wild when he looked up at her. "You… your face… is haunting me! Everywhere, whatever I do… I can't breathe, I can't breathe when I'm not near you…"

If her heart was racing before, she was now surprised it didn't give in altogether. But before she could react in any way, they were startled but the sound of a door being unlocked. Meredith grabbed Derek's arm and pulled him inside, seconds before an elderly lady peeked out of her apartment.

"Meredith, dear?" she asked craning her neck. "Is everything alright? Should I call the police?"

"No, Mrs. Marsh," Meredith replied breathlessly. "Everything's in order."

"Are you sure?" the neighbor insisted with concern. "It's not about that horrid letter, is it?"

"No, it's just George, my assistant," explained hastily Meredith. "He needed to deliver some important documents. You met George the other day, Mrs. Marsh."

"Ah, that's good," she said, visibly calmer. "Sometimes I don't know where this world is coming to. To threaten such a sweet helpful girl!"

"Don't worry about that, Mrs. Marsh," assured her Meredith, glancing anxiously at Derek who now began to pace impatiently in her living room. "I can promise we won't make any more disturbance."

Meredith closed the door and leaned against it. "It wasn't very wise to come here tonight, Derek…"

"It wasn't wise," he snorted moving this way and that way in a frenzy. "Are you trying to tell me what's wise and what's not? You don't know what's wise yourself! Here, look at it," he hissed pulling a crumpled and rain sodden newspaper page with the infamous letter. "You think it's wise, Meredith? It's stupid! It's incredibly stupid! And you're putting your life on the line for this scum? You're allowing to be treated like this?"

He finished his outburst staring at her fixedly and almost expectantly but she simply looked at him, gently, wordlessly.

"Say it, Meredith!" his outcry was somewhere between imploring and ordering. "Just say it that I…."

She shook her head slowly.

"God damn it, say it, Meredith!" he growled sinking into the couch, a sob raising in his throat as he hid his face in his hands ashamedly. "Say it or I won't be able to look at you. And, God, I need to look at you…"

She pushed herself off the door and tiptoed barefoot towards him like on a string. She understood this longing of souls so well and despite all odds, the knowledge that he shared it making her feel strangely lighter.

She crouched in front of him, insinuating her fingers underneath his to gently lift his head. He kept his eyes tightly shut as if punishing himself by not looking at her.

"Say it, say it, say it, Meredith," he begged. "Say it I'm just the same as that bastard who sent this to you… I said those things into your face…"

"You are not the same," she said slowly but firmly her thumbs caressing his stubbly cheeks. "Look at me, Derek. You won't see any anger in my eyes, nor hatred or reproach."

She watched him raise his lids ever so slowly, a few droplets pearling on his long eyelashes. Should men be allowed to have such wonderful eyelashes? At long last, he showed her his beautiful blue orbs, looking particularly dark, elegant and subtle in the pale moonlight drifting from the window. One look was enough to shake the ground beneath her.

"You're so…" he breathed out, "… beautiful…" And he didn't lie; never in his life had he seen an equally breathtaking sight as her small body bent before him, giving off a faint flowery scent. Her hair was wavy and damp on ends, a patch of freckles spattered tastefully across her nose.

She bit her lip, her pulse speeding up again as she knelt before him in her scanty pajamas, matching boxer shorts and tee while he was still fully clothed.

He cocked his head that was still in her hands as his eyes slid a little down her chest…

"Hello, Kitty?" he asked raising one eyebrow at the cartoon character on her top. She giggled, the creeping blush on her cheeks barely visible in the darkness. Why did she chose to wear the birthday gift from Izzie that particular night instead of something more appealing? He soon joined her in laughter which lasted a good few minutes and acted somewhat cleansing after the tension of the last days. But it was short lived as the reality struck them too soon. She let out a small sigh, her hands finally leaving his face. Completely unprepared for the loss of the precious contact with her skin, he reached out desperately towards her waist pulling her flush against him on the sofa.

"What are we doing?" she asked into the night.

"I don't know," he whispered back not loosening his hold of her, breathing her in. "But it feels too good to be wrong."

Meredith smiled knowingly; she knew well enough usually the sinful tasted the best. However, she was in total agreement with him, she couldn't feel any wrongness in what they were doing.

"Why are you here?" she repeated her question settling beside him, tightly pressed to his hard body.

"But you know, Meredith," he said quietly. "You know everything."

She sighed amusedly. "You seem to give me too much credit. Aren't you still angry with me?"

"I'm here," he said.

"You're here but that doesn't mean the anger you had inside disappeared. You feel relief because the trial was postponed but…" she reached to pass her hand through his hair slowly. She wanted to do that for a long time, the ink curls felt so soft under her fingertips while he leaned into her touch. "Once it restarts, the anger will make its way to the surface. Again. You are not fine with what I'm doing and I don't expect you to be."

"God, you're…" he gulped heavily. "You're too good to exist in reality. You don't belong on earth."

"You're touching me," she laughed softly. "I must exist then."

"I'm touching you," he murmured into the back of her neck. "I never want to let go off you again."

"Derek, this… probably can't exist," she said feebly.

"It can't but it does," he argued softly.

"It does…"

"Let me stay, please," he pleaded. "Let me stay tonight. I need you, I need your energy to survive."

She was torn. Her rational mind kept screaming at her that she should never even let him in, her heart begged to keep him as close as possible.

"This is going to end bad," she whispered, her body tingling with the excitement that overtook one before reaching for the forbidden.

"Why is there have to be an end?" he chuckled. Right now, when he had her in his embrace he couldn't believe there was a thing they couldn't achieve.

"Derek, we can only get hurt…" she smiled sadly. Her instincts, her reasoning, everything was telling her that.

"I can't imagine suffering more than when can't see you or… or talk to you…" he laced his fingers with hers. "Please, Meredith…"

The look he sent her was her undoing. His eyes had that overpowering quality that made her unable to deny him anything.

She slid from his embrace to get to her feet but held out a hand towards him.

"We can't stay here. My mother is staying with me for a few days. She's working the night. I don't want to risk falling asleep on the couch like the last time and being discovered by her when she's back."

He gladly took the offered hand, blissful relief filling his heart.

"Come with me," she whispered.

* * *

Carolyn tossed on her side of the bed uneasily and opened her eyes. Her organism didn't let her be asleep for more than two hours straight without waking up, her heart beating wildly. Squinting her eyes, she leaned over to check the time. It was almost midnight. Was Derek already home? She didn't hear him return and she would have woken up at the slightest noise.

Putting on her beloved husband's bathrobe, she made her way through the darkness to Derek's room. She scanned the little space carefully. The bed was untouched, just as he left it in the morning. She came downstairs but it was dark, peaceful and deserted. Almost lifeless… she shivered. With a quick peek outside she was able to tell his car wasn't in the driveway.

Anxiety overtook her senses. True, Derek told her he could come late but fear, inexplicable fear impossible to ignore, took her in its strong hold. Without further deliberation, she grabbed the phone and chose his number. She closed her eyes hearing he was unreachable. How could he switch off his cell again?

Mark was next on her list. They were each other's wingmen, he had to have at least a faint idea of what Derek was up to.

"Ma," he answered at the first call, his voice anxious. "Is something wrong?"

"Mark, I'm sorry… I've forgotten it's so late…" she rubbed her forehead absent-mindedly.

"Don't worry about it, I'm just coming back to my place," he assured her quickly. "What's happened?"

"Is Derek with you?" she asked hopefully.

"Uhm, no," a hint of confusion crept into his voice. "Why? He's not home? Was he supposed to meet me?"

"So you haven't seen him earlier tonight?"

"No, I haven't seen him since this morning in court… Tell me everything from the beginning."

"Well, he disappeared. Again, he told me he'd be late but he shut his phone off and I can't reach him. Just like the night after Michael's funeral…"

Mark contemplated the situation quickly, recollecting Derek's recent behavior.

"Ma, I think there's no need to worry… much," he sighed. "Try to calm down and get some sleep. You need it."

"But Derek…"

"Look, the odds are he's not gonna make it tonight. He'll turn up in the morning in all probability."

"Mark, what do you know?" she asked firmly. "I've just lost my husband, I can't lose my son too."

"Mom, you won't lose Derek. He's absolutely fine… physically at least," he grumbled.

"Mark!"

"I… don't want to disappoint Derek's trust," confessed Mark. "But… I can't stand watching you torment yourself either. Derek… told me there's a woman…"

"A woman?" she repeated with surprise.

"Apparently, he's met someone. Someone special."

"He hasn't said a word," frowned Carolyn.

"He's secretive about it but… it looks like he's really invested."

"He went to her that night?" she breathed.

"He didn't say, I think so though. It makes sense, where else could he be?"

"What… what do you know about…her?" she asked cautiously.

"Not much. As I said, Derek's really secretive about her. But from the way he was talking about her, he worships the ground she's walking on. I've never seen him like that before.

"Are… are you sure?"

"Well, what can you think when a guy tells you he can't breathe without her?"

Carolyn was at loss for words. Derek was involved with a woman after all? How could she not notice he was in love when she wished so much for it to happen?

"How long has it been going on?"

"Not long I think since they haven't even fu- I mean, they stayed platonic,' he finished lamely.

"I don't know what to think now…" sighed Carolyn wrapping herself tighter with Michael's robe. She wished so much her husband was at her side. She could use his advice.

"Ma, you can't really do much about it," Mark spoke up again. "Go to sleep, pout your worries aside. He'll be back when you wake up in the morning."

"I hope so," agreed Carolyn knowing sitting and waiting for Derek would be pointless.

"I know so."

After they hang up, she didn't immediately go up. Although, her anxiety lessened considerably, she could not help worrying. She wished so often, even nagged Derek, that he would find a nice girl for himself, get married and give her grandchildren. But was it a good time to happen now, when he was mourning his father? If Mark's suspicions were true, Derek was really involved. Could he stand more heartbreak at the moment? She hoped whoever held Derek's heart would be gentle with it.

* * *

Gently, tenderly, their fingers moved against each other reshaping their weave. Their hands, it was the only part of them touching. However, for them it was more senses-heightening and arousing than an openly sexual caress for others. Their fingers slid against each other filling the crevices between them. She traced the sinuous contours of his fingerprints. His fingertips teasingly played with her palm.

All in silence, in semidarkness of her bedroom, under the reign of sensual serenity. He couldn't tear his eyes from her as she lay on her side facing him, her almost completely bare shapely legs offered to his regard, basked in the moonlight. Her golden tresses scattered around her face cascading onto her neck and chest. A soft discreet smile played on her full lips. She was like a mythical goddess, save for the Hello Kitty nightwear of course. She awoke such a plethora of emotions inside him. Awe, protectiveness, longing, lust…

He was affecting her senses in the similar staggering degree. And she enjoyed it. Until now, she had been more of an observer, a bystander, she was the witness of forces and passion changing the course of people's lives. Now, it was her life that was undergoing a transformation.

"I'm glad I'm in your bed," he whispered unhurriedly breaking the silence.

"I'm glad you're in my bed too," she chuckled. "But-"

"Does there have to be a but?"

"Derek, we can't lie to ourselves," she sighed. "Because this night will end… too soon… and on Monday-"

She felt him stiffening but he didn't take his hand away. If anything the grip of his fingers on hers tightened."Let's not-"

"On Monday, I'm going to be Ms. Grey again."

He buried his face into the pillow momentarily, inhaling deeply. "I don't want to think about it…"

"You have to at some point," she went on knowing it was only for his own good. "Because on Monday you will hate me again."

"I will not!" he gasped looking back at her.

"You will," she said calmly. "Because I'll be doing my job. I'll be doing what I'm supposed to."

"Fine," he gritted through his teeth.

"Derek, I know it's painful but you need to fully understand what this entails." She scooted closer to his face and whispered, "You are going to be one of the first witnesses to testify if I'm right."

He nodded, gulping hard.

"And… I'm going to ask you questions," she admitted truthfully.

"What- what questions?" he breathed heavily.

"About that night…" she reached out her other hand to gingerly touch his forehead where the trace of his light injury was still visible. "I don't want to hurt you more than I already will. Maybe… maybe it will be better for you if you go and try to forget about today," she braced herself to say though the words didn't come easy.

"No!" he shook his head frantically. "I'll handle everything… just… don't leave me alone."

She intertwined her fingers with his again to show him she had no intention of doing so. She was putting a lot on stake here but she couldn't turn away from Derek and what they shared.

Silence fell back between them, strained and tensed at first but slowly softening.

"I met your Mom today," she told him. "We talked."

"When?" he asked, a concerned frown creasing his forehead. "She didn't say anything…"

"We bumped into each other in the bathroom," she explained. "She probably didn't want to upset you."

"Probably," he sighed. "She yelled at me, and with good reason, for… well, for how I behaved towards you."

"She's an exceptional woman, very understanding, very warm. You're lucky."

"She is amazing," he smiled, content with the fact that Meredith and his mother communicated, even in these odd circumstances. "I think I've given her a few additional wrinkles lately. I'm staying at the house but sometimes it looks like I need her more than she does need me."

"You need each other. You know, it's the other way round with me. My mom came to Seattle, all the way from Boston, supposedly for me, and half an hour is the maximum time span we can stand around each other."

"I can hardly believe that," he commented rubbing her knuckles, his eyes inches from hers. "I think you have this amazing ability to find common ground with anyone."

"Well, my mother always lets me know I'm a disappointment. I didn't follow in her professional footsteps, now I'm seemingly flunking my own career," she sighed. "I haven't yet discovered if it's really what she thinks or if it's just her way to make me stronger."

"Why don't you use your psychological profiling on her?" he asked.

"Maybe I'm a little afraid of the results?" she admitted.

He nodded understandingly, "What does she do, your mother? She's working tonight, you said?"

Meredith bit her lip, she didn't want to spend the night discussing her mother. And if she told Derek, one of the most talented surgeons in the country, who her mother was, the topic would continue for hours on end.

"If I tell you, you'll forget all about me," she grinned battling her eyelashes at him.

"Oh, that's impossible," he said firmly.

"But it is, she's… kinda famous…"

"You're mother's famous?" he gazed at her quizzically laughing slightly. "A movie star? A celebrity?"

"Yeah, kinda celebrity," she rolled her eyes. "In her genre…"

"No, seriously," he chuckled. "What does she do?"

"Uhm, what if I… promise to tell you… another time…?"

"Another time?" he wiggled his eyebrows. "I'm all for another time."

"Good."

"Wait a minute…" he gasped slightly but the hilarity was obvious in his voice. "She's not a stripper, is she?"

"What?" she burst out laughing swatting his chest, the mental image making her shake.

"Oh, she is! It all makes perfect sense! You don't want to talk about her, you didn't want to follow in her footsteps. She's a celebrity in her genre and she works night shifts. A stripper!"

The laughter bubbled inside her and she had to admit Lexie was right. Derek was indeed a chatty Cathy. Normally, he probably talked twice as much as she.

"Oh, my God," she giggled, not fully aware her hand was still on his hard chest. "If my mother was a stripped she had at least spent more time with me when I was a kid."

"I'm sorry," he sighed.

"Don't be."

"I'm sorry for how I acted, what I called you…" he said apologetically.

"Apology accepted," she replied simply, knowing too painfully it wouldn't be the first time to ask her for forgiveness.

"You're making it too easy, too effortless," he sighed.

"Don't assume it will always be so," she warned him softly. "But I'm giving you some slack. These are not normal circumstances, whether we like it or not."

"I know…" his voice turned weaker and weary once more. "Tomorrow is… the reading of dad's will…"

"Another hard day for you," she said knowingly.

"It looks like it," he sighed. "I didn't know he even made a will… And it's going to be the first time we'll be all together since the funeral…"

"Derek, did you…" she hang off unsure if she should proceed.

"Did I what?"

"Did you talk to your dad?" she finished her question softly.

"I… me and my dad.. we had…" he gulped heavily.

"No, Derek, that's not what I asked about." Her hand glided across his chest soothingly. "After he passed away…"

"What?" he gasped in confusion.

"Remember Mrs. Marsh? The neighbor that came out to check on me," she explained. "A year ago she was to have a hip surgery. She didn't want to, she was scared and sure she would just die on the table. But eventually she had no other option. She wasn't able to move, to function independently. It was a lose-lose situation in her mind but she decided to have the surgery, to not go without a fight first."

"What does it have to do with anything?" asked Derek.

"I'm coming to that. The day before she was supposed to check in at the hospital she asked me to take her to the cemetery, to her husband's grave. I was with her almost the whole time and… it was amazing. She was talking to him, to her beloved husband who died years ago, she was talking to him like he was actually there. And at times, I felt he really was. She told him important things and small ones, she introduced me to him. When we left, she was really at peace with the world. I felt it was cleansing for her…"

"Oh," he breathed hard. "I don't think… I can't… actually I couldn't…"

"Derek, Derek!" Her outstretched palm enveloped his cheek. "You don't have to do this right now! It was just a suggestion how can you cope with it… when you're ready. That's all it was. Relax, I'm here."

"You know… maybe one day," he breathed more regularly. "I'll ask you to come with me too…"

"If you want to…" she nodded and made to move her hand from his cheek but he stopped her. Suddenly, they realized how close their faces were. Their noses bumped against each other, their breaths mingled. They froze for a fraction of a second, knowing subconsciously what would happen next, what had to happen next, finally. And it did. Their eyes fluttered shut, leaving the touch to be the prevailing sense.

After what seemed both like a fleeting moment and eternity, the delicate skin of their lips met in the first probing kiss. The pressure was minimal but more than enough for them to explode inside, it was so much more than they expected it to be. Cocking her head slightly, Meredith let out a short gasp, one of pleasure and surprise. No one was ever able to evoke such strong feelings on her part. She wasn't an unemotional person, far from it. As Cristina put it, she often got too caught in her clients' drama. But nothing until this moment could equal what she was experiencing thanks to Derek.

His mouth desperately followed hers, catching her lower lips between his. They fused sweetly and sensuously. Derek couldn't help deepening the kiss. He seemed to be drinking the elixir of life, water from the purest source, cleaning his soul. His tongue darted tentatively inside her warm moist cavern. He savored heaven. In his nearly forty-year life, he couldn't remember being equally intensely stimulated by a woman. And all they were doing was kissing…

The intimate caresses of his tongue inside her mouth stole her breath away. Her mind was spinning, her body was in heat. Her eyes rolled up in her skull as thousands of fireworks exploded under her lids, or maybe it was more like the gentle vacillation of northern lights.

When their lips broke to catch some much needed air, they were left momentarily dizzy. Their breaths fanned their flushed overheated faces.

"I…" she half laughed, half exhaled.

"Wow…" he managed to utter, swallowing hard.

"It was…"

"Yeah, I mean…"

"Yeah…"

They fell into a comfortable silence allowing their minds to process what just occurred. In vain. There wasn't a clear-cut path out, a miracle remedy that could uncomplicate the tangled web they were in.

Their gazes locked once again but at the moment they were filled with too much bliss to worry about anything. Meredith reached back for his hand intertwining her fingers with his as though she wanted to provide him, them, some reassurance.

"Close your eyes, Derek," she murmured sweetly. "When you open them in the morning, I'll still be here."

And he did, trusting her with all he got. Slowly, he lowered his lids but her face lingered before his eyes until he fell into slumber, for the first time in days, completely dreamless, sound and healthy. What would he dream about anyway, as the embodiment of his cravings lay peacefully beside him?

* * *

**A/N You know you want to comment… ;)**

**Em**


	9. Chapter 9: Careless Whisper

**A/N That's right, I am back with an update! I am so sorry for disappearing for over a month. My only excuse is that a lot has happened both in my life and in my country and I had trouble sitting down to write.**** I want to thank you for all your messages, I always read and deeply appreciate each and every one of them.**

**I hope you're still interested in this story. On with the chapter 9…**

Quite involuntarily, his hand wandered once again to the pocket of his jacket to retrieve the phone. Not that he was expecting any important calls, not at this hour. He had even muted it so it wouldn't cause any unnecessary interruption during reading of the will.

There was a different reason he kept flinging his cell open every now and then. It carried a proof that the last night wasn't another of his dreams, that it wasn't just a beautiful figment of his imagination. Last night, he spent it at the side of the woman who invaded his heart, mind and soul. She seemed to have taken the reign of his being. Quite unintentionally, for sure. She was cautious, she gave him space, she didn't seek him out. He did. He wanted to rage and storm at her to make her realize she was acting irrationally. The letter he saw in the paper that morning scared the living daylights out of him. He waited for hours in front of her block for her to come back. And then he followed her up and tried to rage and storm but he didn't have the strength to do so.

_Subconsciously, he was plagued with guilt__, and one look in her shrewd eyes was enough to reignite it inside him. She awoke a curious desire in his soul, one to always better himself, even against his initial reluctance. He apologized. She accepted him. They spent together what was unbeatably the most magical night of his life. He was pretty sure it was so for her as well. He slept with her, no… that expression somehow sounded so shallow even if it didn't have to imply anything. They slept together, side by side. Innocently, chastely, much like two exiled lovers from that old legend, Tristan and Isolde, the night they were discovered by the king in the forest. Thankfully, Meredith wasn't anybody's wife like queen Isolde but their connection was still a wrongdoing in the eyes of law._

_He didn't like to think about it, despite __Meredith's insistence to face the facts. He just didn't want to think about the possibility of not being able to look so close into her eyes, touch her soft skin, hear her tender whisper, admire her face in the translucent rays of the full moon or the rising sun…_

_It was still very early when he shook off from sleep, woken up by the infallible internal clock he trained to perfection during the years of his surgical career. His eyes still pressed close, he anticipated the sound of an alarm or a pager. None came. He dared to open his eyes and there she was, no more than inches from, just like she promised. She looked so carefree in her sleep, vulnerable but strong if that made any sense. And God, she was so beautiful. Young. He didn't even know how old she was. He barely knew anything about her life. The yearning to have her forever was so inexplicable. _

_Well, he found at least a half__-measure for that. Taking advantage of the fact she was still resting, he gingerly slid off the bed in search of his phone. In the blink of an eye, he was back on his warm spot manipulating the camera in his cell. His hand shook slightly before pressing the button. Did he have the right to take a picture of her without her knowledge and consent? He quickly justified himself; it wasn't like intended to take naked photos of her… He swallowed hard, his eyes making a lingering lusty travel from the front of her nightshirt, her nipples clearly indicating she had nothing else underneath, to her shorts that ridden up her legs. As much as he desired to immortalize that sight he would be stepping over the boundaries big time. Ruefully, he lifted his eyes to the level of her face. Ruefully? Only for a second. Her face adorned with her messy blond locks was a masterpiece in itself. Just then she huffed and begin to stir so he hurried with taking his precious picture and quickly dropped the phone to the floor before she opened her eyes._

"_You've been watching me sleep?" she asked teasingly, her __eyebrow arched up, as she noticed he was fully awake._

"_Maybe," he breathed feeling his cheeks redden slightly. They spent an adorable fifteen minutes until Derek realized with a somewhat heavier heart that he should go. The goodbye was livened up though. Meredith, before letting him out of her bedroom, came out herself for a lookout and to his amusement, announced that the coast was clear as her mother apparently didn't make it back home yet_.

And now he somehow felt as if he had been sucked into a different dimension, so tremendous was the chasm between the previous night and time present. For he was sitting in the office of his father's friend who was also a notary. The only thing proving to him that last night belonged to reality was the picture of Meredith treasured on his cell.

"Really, Derek?" Nancy's shrill voice pierced his skull. "Are we that boring that you'd rather play with your phone? Or you'd rather be somewhere else?"

Derek sighed, shutting the cell close but keeping it still in his grasp. He decided not to answer. His eldest sister was deeply upset with him since this morning and he knew well enough that her ire wouldn't be diffused in any way other than with the passage of time. When he got back to his mother's house it was still very early but Carolyn was already on her feet. So was Nancy and her husband, Paul. He was forced to have his walk of shame in front of an audience. Predictably, Nancy threw a fit, spending good half an hour shouting up at him from downstairs as he was taking his shower and getting dressed.

"Derek!" Nancy was relentless. "What do you think-"

"Nancy," Carolyn stopped her in a quiet but decisive voice. "Do you think you can stay calm for now? I don't think any of us needs additional stress-"

"But Mom!" protested her daughter. "Derek is completely irresponsible-"

"And you're acting like a five-year-old!" one of her sisters joined in the argument, her voice scolding .

"Yeah, shut up, Nancy!"

Given the Shepherd temperament that each of Carolyn and Michael's children inherited in abundance the argument would get heater and heater but the door to the office opened silencing all of them.

"Carolyn," she was greeted by the slender man in his fifties who just came in, taking her hands in his. "How are you holding up? We wanted to come around with Gladys but we weren't sure you're up for guests yet."

"Don't be silly; you're not any guests," she shushed him. "You're family. Besides, the house needs some livening up."

Jonathan shook hands with Derek and moved behind his desk with a tired face, gesturing for everybody to sit down.

"To tell you the truth," he sighed opening up the folder with necessary documents, "we had a good laugh when drawing up the will. It actually didn't cross my mind that I might execute it one day…"

"When did he come to you to do this?" asked quietly Kathleen.

"Actually, years ago. Michael was a very responsible man, his family was his priority. He wanted to make sure everything was in order in case something happened to him…" Jonathan said gravely. "He changed the will a couple of times over the years… This one, the last version, was made up three years ago. I… Shall we start then?" he asked them softly.

Carolyn gave him a gentle nod and he cleared his throat. "Since every one of his children ended up as a doctor," Jonathan's lips lifted up in a faint smile as he remembered his best friend warm sense of humor, "Michael left instructions to sell the store and the movables."

"I guess it's… reasonable," remarked Nancy uneasily.

"We used to spend whole days in there…" reminisced Alice, her eyes glassy. "Playing, having fun, making as much noise as possible and scaring all the customers…"

"Exactly, we used to," said crisply Nancy though blinking rather too often. "I don't see any of us running the store. Obviously, Mom can't do it alone. Besides, can you imagine wanting to go there after… everything?"

"You don't have to worry about anything," continued Jonathan after a minute. "I'll take care of all the formalities. The money will be later split between you Carolyn and your four daughters."

"What… what about Derek?" she frowned slightly.

"Well, Michael left Derek something else altogether," he replied looking at the younger man intently.

"God, Mer, how are you?" demanded Izzie stuffing a large muffin into her mouth, her eyes trained on Meredith. "I have absolutely no idea what's been going on with you. Can't really trust the media, can you? And the old witch here didn't want to say a word!" she spew out glaring at Cristina who only shrugged her arms in a non-committal fashion.

"Everything's fine," smiled slightly Meredith, her thoughts involuntarily taking her to last night. "Like really fine."

"You're about to take part in possible the biggest trial of your life and all you're saying is fine?" Izzie's eyebrows shot upwards. "You've received a freaking death threat and all you're saying is fine?"

"It really wasn't a big deal," shrugged Meredith. "I wish everyone would stop making such a fuss about it!"

"Nice to know you're still as insane as ever," threw Izzie sharing a knowing look with Cristina. "But I didn't ditch my job and drive across the city just to hear you're fine!"

"Oh, please," sneered Cristina. "What else have you got to do? You only have some old hag who sued her neighbors because they were too noisy!"

The blond chose to ignore the jibe despite the rosy color rising on her cheeks.

"Mer," she took up. "Talk. You know there's only one place for an ungrateful bitch here and it's already taken."

"We've worked out some strong strategy with George," gave up Meredith. "Not infallible, but strong."

"You do seem confident," commented Izzie crinkling her eyes and fixed her stare at Meredith.

"It's just a case," smiled Meredith feeling a little self-conscious.

"No, it's not that…" said Izzie pensively, cocking her head. "There's something else about you…"

"There is nothing else," denied Meredith trying to laugh it off.

"There so is," insisted smugly Izzie. "You look different and I'm pretty sure it's not because of the case. You've got a sparkle. I can see it in your eyes."

"My eyes are tired. I've been working late-"

"Nope," said Izzie making an audible 'p'. "Just tell Auntie Izzie who's the guy."

"There is no guy!"

"I'm good at these things. I can tell you met someone. There's nothing to be ashamed of! It's about time, you deserve a bit of romance. So, tell me all about him," ordered the blond looking at her expectantly while Meredith stared back at her defiantly.

Was she really that transparent? She kept herself well in check. She did absolutely everything not to appear too perky, nor did she make some awkward comment. How the hell did Izzie know that something changed in her life?

"Damn it, always in the worst of moments," cursed Izzie under her breath when her cell interrupted the staring contest. She looked threateningly at Meredith. "You're telling me everything when I'm done with whatever idiot is calling me- Oh, good afternoon, boss- No, it was the TV-"

Izzie left their table for a couple of minutes but the tension Meredith felt was still palpable. She dared a look at Cristina and her blood almost froze in her veins under her cold expression.

"So, do I have to plead insanity for you?"

"What are you talking about?"Meredith shook her head feigning innocence.

"Oh, don't play an idiot," spar harshly Cristina though cautiously keeping her voice down. "The sparkle in the eye, the guy-"

"Why do you suddenly care what Izzie has to say? She's the queen of pinkland, she sees love and roses everywhere!"

"Well, since you told me just a couple of days ago that you're infatuated with one of the main witnesses for the prosecution, I think this time she's onto something!"

"I'm over it," stated assuredly Meredith.

"Right," snorted her person. "You told me-"

"I did tell you," nodded Meredith and bluffed all the way. "I told you a lot of things. But do you honestly think I would risk my career, my credibility, all my future so irresponsible as throwing myself into a completely insensible affair that is doomed from the start?"

"Honestly?" Cristina sized her up. "I think you would."

Meredith closed her open mouth and let the mask of indifference fall from her face.

"And I think you did," added quietly Cristina.

"I didn't… sort of…"

"Sort of?" Cristina folded her arms over her chest. "Did you let him fuck you? Is this what this sparkle is about?"

"No," sighed Meredith. "We didn't… but he spent the night…"

"How sweet," commented sarcastically Cristina. "Wait, what about your mother?"

"She was at the hospital, thank God for that. Derek just showed at my doorstep."

"He's got the nerve… What did he want? Like seriously, what does this guy want from you?"

"Nothing and everything," sighed Meredith. "And I just… It's like I can't say no to him. It feels good… right, to be with him." She bit on her lips waiting for her friend's reprimand but Cristina only sat like a stone staring at something over her head.

"Aren't you going to say anything? Like what the hell are you doing? You're ruining your life? Or a simple' you're a moron?"

"I would," she shrugged, "if I thought there was any point in that. But I'm just going to say this. I generally don't care much about other's people business. Sure, I defend people but that's my job. I enjoy fighting and winning. You, on the other hand, you want to save the world, make everyone happy. Quite an Izzie quality, don't you think? However, you're still more like me than her. You've got a self-destruct button, you're always coming to close to the edge. So, there really is not point in trying to talk sense into you."

Meredith stayed silent pondering on the accurateness in her friend's assessment.

"I am still your tequila girl if your life goes to hell though," quipped Cristina.

"I'm probably gonna need that in the near future," acquiesced Meredith.

"As I said, self-destruct button," sighed Cristina and looked at her pityingly. "Get out of here before Izzie comes back to grill you."

"You sure?" asked Meredith grabbing her bag hastily.

"Positive, it's just Izzie, not the district attorney."

He thought he could do it. How hard could it be to get inside the car and drive fifty miles outside of the city following the road he knew by heart? It was a sacred place for him, the scene of his many childhood adventures, a witness of his family's happiness – their land out of town, the land in the wilderness. It belonged to his father who received it from his father, who, in turn, inherited from his father. It was Shepherds' land for generations. No one in the whole family was able to tell how and when it came into their possession but it was always a dream of every male head of the family to build a house there. So far, no one ever succeeded. The reason was trivial and insurmountable at the same time – lack of money.

The only building that was ever created on the pristine scrape of land was a wooden log cabin which was incredibly useful during family trips out of Seattle. Derek adored it. on their land, he could be any of the heroes from the adventure books he avidly read. Countless times he was there with Michael at the break of dawn to catch fish. The water in the lake was cool but incredibly pleasant in the summer. And it was home for every kind of slimy creature that was bound to frighten all of his sisters to death. It was a second home. And now it belonged to him.

He wasn't going to get any profits from selling the store but he was the sole proprietor of the land. He couldn't quite believe it yet.

He wasn't sure what he felt or what he should feel. He thought maybe actually going to their, now his, land would clear his head, bring the comfort of the past. However, halfway of the distance he pulled up by the side of the road and turned off the engine with a sigh. He stared off ahead through the windscreen. The dusk was darkening the surroundings, painting the high trees lining the way black. The sky was pale blue fading to rosy hue over the tree tops. He couldn't continue on his way.

Just like he couldn't open the letter. His heart hammered in his chest as his hand slowly reached to the inside pocket of his coat and his fingers touched the envelope. Apart from the land, his father left him a letter. Derek felt like a thief. His father's last words weren't meant for his mother, weren't meant for their family. His father would speak from behind the grave directly to him and only to him. What was it that Michael Shepherd put in the letter that was supposed to be given to his son after his death? What was so important? Derek craved to know but the dread was overpowering.

He backed his hand before he could yield to temptation of idle curiosity and instead pulled out his cell. He was again in pieces and the only remedy he could come up with was turning to Meredith. He was being weak again, not the strong role model he always saw in his father. But he needed her like the air.

Meredith lifted her head from the documents she was perusing to once again catch her mother eyeing her suspiciously. Was she really sporting an 'in love' look? Maybe it wasn't just Izzie's readiness to see love around. Ellis was a shrewd person. If Meredith's skills of observation came from her parents, it would have to her mother. Thatcher was one big klutz who wouldn't realized he was being mugged if the thief waved his wallet in front of his face.

Meanwhile, Ellis readjusted the glasses on her nose and went back to silent reading of a medical journal. Quite fortunately so as in this exact moment Meredith felt the pocket of her sweater vibrate. She knew Derek would call sometime in the course of the evening, that was what they agreed upon. The last thing she wanted was her mother listening to her conversation with him. Trying not to appear too hasty, Meredith deposited her papers on the coffee table and retreated to the bathroom with an explanation that she was tired. Once she closed the doors behind her and opened the water, she dared to answer the call.

"Hey," she whispered warmly. "Derek, how are you?"

"Why are you whispering?" he asked curiously. It was amazing how just hearing the soft timbre of her voice soothed him.

"My Mom's on the other side of the door," she explained apologetically.

"Ah, she's not in the club tonight," he quipped evoking the conversation of the previous night.

"Derek!" she scolded him stifling the laughter that threatened to erupt. "Don't deflect. And where are you? I thought you were to spend the evening with your family?"

"I will…" he sighed. "When I'm back…"

"Back from where?" she asked delicately sensing a tiny strain in his voice.

"I'm not exactly sure."

"Derek!" she gasped standing to her feet from the side of the tub. "What's going on? Where are you?"

"Out of Seattle," he finally admitted. "Don't worry, I'm okay, I guess."

"That doesn't sound very convincing," she sighed. "Are you driving somewhere? Have you eaten?"

Derek couldn't help smiling at her anxious questions. It may be selfish of him, but her care and worries sent a pleasant wave of warmth over his body.

"I'm truly okay," he reassured her. "Don't worry, I wouldn't risk starving myself without you in the vicinity to rescue me."

"Derek!"

He smirked imagining the eye roll she surely just made. "That sounded awfully like my mother. I'm sure you'd get along wonderfully."

Meredith opened her lips but had absolutely no idea what to say to Derek's last remark. She didn't want to venture on a dangerous territory of speculation. She didn't even want to think if there was any chance of future for them. They only thing they could do was to catch the day before everything was lost.

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't feel comfortable with," she said instead. "But I just want to know they won't find you tomorrow morning half eaten by a bear by the side of the road."

"My Dad left me a piece of land," he explained seriously.

"That is… where you're driving to?"

"Well, I intended to," he sighed. "It's beautifully out there. And it was always the family's first holiday destination, so to speak. And… he left it to me… He left the store to Mom and my sisters but he gave me the land, all forty acres."

"You sound surprised," said Meredith trying awkwardly to take her clothes off. She didn't want to raise her mother's suspicions by spending too much time in the bathroom. She figured she could at least take the actual bath.

"I am," he answered sincerely. "I am alone. I am single, I have no kids. And he purposefully left it to me."

"Derek," she hesitated slightly. "You trust your father's judgment, don't you?"

"Of course, I do. He was one of the wisest people I knew."

"Then stop beating yourself up thinking you don't deserve it. Your Dad obviously wanted it to be yours. Maybe you just need time to figure it out."

"How did you know?" he breathed out. "That I was… feeling guilty…"

"It might sound strange given the fact we met fairly recently but… I know you," she smiled to herself. "I can tell."

"I don't know if I'm able to accept it," he voiced her fears. "I have so many memories connected with this place, so many great memories… and I can't even dare to go there now. What if… what if I'll hate it? I don't want that."

"Der, there is a right time for everything," she whispered softly. "There will come a time when your pain fades, you won't spend your days thinking about your father's death all the time. You'll be able to think about him without that much pain. You'll be grateful to have this place to come back to."

"I'll trust you with this," he nodded. "He left me a letter, my Dad."

"A letter?"

"He wrote a letter that would be passed to me in case he died. Only to me."

"You haven't opened it yet, have you?"

"Meredith, do you think I'm… I'm irresponsible? That I'm weak? Immature?" his voice shook slightly. "Be honest."

"I think you're fragile. Not in the sense of weakness though. More like, you're easy to hurt, to crush."

"That's basically the same," he muttered rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"No, it's not."

"I wish I could see you."

She giggled suddenly playing with the bubbles with her free hand. "You don't know how much you wish to see me now…"

"Mer? What are you doing?" he asked curiously pricking his ears.

"Actually, I'm taking a long relaxing bath, with lots of bubbles," she grinned hearing a distinc gulp over the phone. "Derek, are you still with me?"

"Oh, yeah," he muttered while his imagination went into overdrive. "Thank you."

"For what? Teasing you?"

"Cheering me up. You're better than an antidepressant."

A loud insistent knocking made her jump slopping the water onto the floor. "Meredith! What are you doing there for so long? I hope you're not trying to drown yourself. Remember you got into that mess of a case yourself!"

"I'm having a bath!" Meredith barked back. "Go away!"

"Then stop blocking the bathroom! I'm actually going to work tomorrow!"

"I said go away! Sorry that was just my mother," grumbled Meredith back into the receiver.

"I'm taking up your time-"

"I'm glad you are," she cut him across.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Derek asked hopefully.

"Not until afternoon, I'm meeting my assistant."

"Damn, I don't want to leave my mother alone tomorrow evening… So that leaves us with… Monday…"

"Monday…" she confirmed, experiencing an unpleasant jolt. The first time they were going to see each other after sharing the night would be in the courtroom.

"It's… going to be alright," he stated halfheartedly.

"You can't know that-"

"I like you, I trust you," he said brusquely. "Nothing's gonna change that."

"I hope so," she whispered. "I'll see you, Derek."

"See you."

Meredith put her cell away and sank deeper into the warm water, closing her eyes. Monday. If she and Derek stood a chance on anything, they would know on Monday.

**A/N I wish you and myself an interesting Grey's epi tonight! **

**I can promise a very intense (on many levels) next chapter. **

**Yours,**

**Em**


	10. Chapter 10: One Step Too Far

**A/N Thank you for all your comments after the last chapter!**

**In this one, the trial begins, changing in a significant way the nature of MerDer relationship. There won't be a lot of legal stuff since I'm mostly ignorant in that field (my whole concept of the courtroom comes from TV shows and Perry Mason books). So please, let me know if I commit some embarrassing mistakes..**

**Enjoy…**

**PS I almost forgot, the rating of this chapter probably deserves M, so bear it in mind.**

The courtroom would be perfectly silent if it wasn't for the sound of her heels reverberating in his ears, oddly mimicking the pounding of his heart. Derek gazed steadily at the floor. Any second now, Meredith's first question would reach his ears. He already went through hell and back recounting the one evening in his life he would like to erase from his memory. He felt that what was about to happen would prove even more torturous.

Meredith. Since the beginning of the trial this morning, he had to endure the sight of her sitting next to his father's killer, sometimes turning to him, talking to him. In those moments, the air died in his lungs, his blood boiled. It was a sacrilege.

She was good at what she did, no doubt. She was a good lawyer. The amazing observation skills that he had already had the opportunity to experience firsthand made her a great defense counselor. She reacted with reason and precision, always achieving the goal she indented, it being blocking the D.A. or exerting a desirous influence on the jury. And now it was her turn to cross-examine him.

The sounds of steps desisted. He slowly raised his eyes from the floor, catching her slender legs, a modest but elegant black skirt, her fingers intertwined as she stood in front of him, slightly to the side. He finally met her regard apprehensively, noting with a slight disillusion that he couldn't read her, at all. He wouldn't call her an oracle now, more like a sphinx, omniscient and keeping all her secrets to herself.

Appearances. However cool, collected and professional Meredith Grey seemed to be to everyone, Derek included, what was going on inside her could only be compared to an earthquake. She had known it was going to be hard but she never suspected how much. It was bearable until the moment Derek heavily took the stand. He was a mess. The frantic regard, the troubled breathing, the fidgeting. He looked like a wild animal run into a trap. And now it was her job, her obligation, to batter him even more.

"Mr. Shepherd," she started in a clear but gentle voice, "this day has been enough of a traumatic experience for you. It is not my intention to prolong it. I will just ask you a few more question, just to make the entire situation absolutely clear, and you will be free to go."

He gave a small nod. She felt cheap, almost dirty, using the ploy to make the witness relax and lose their guard.

"Mr. Shepherd, you stated that while you were loading your car, you heard gunshots. Worried, you made to enter the store. Is that right?"

"It is," he confirmed and looked somewhere else than her, anywhere else. He was afraid that if his eyes stayed on her too long, everyone would know what was going on between them.

"And then the man whom you later recognized as William Dunn blocked your way."

"Yes, I a… I almost crashed into him and I fell down."

"You said, Mr. Shepherd, and I quote, that "you will never forget his face". That it is always going to haunt you. I get from that that you took a good look at him. Brief, for sure, but it was enough to imprint itself in your mind, was it-"

"I must object, Your Honor!" the district attorney raised from his seat imperiously. "It's an outrageous attempt on the counselor's part to play mind games-"

"If I may, Your Honor," Meredith cut in quickly. "I am by no means challenging the validity of the witness' statement. I trust Mr. Shepherd's judgment and memory and I'm actually hoping they will help us get some facts straight."

"Go on, Miss Grey," allowed the judge with a nod while O'Conner sat down with a roll of his eyes. "Let's not overly dramatize, Mr. O'Conner."

"You are a doctor, Mr. Shepherd?"

"That's right." He blinked nervously, he had absolutely no idea where she was headed now.

"You are a renown surgeon with fifteen years of professional experience, including five at the position of head of the neurosurgery department. Your cases involve mostly accident victims."

Again, Derek confirmed the information with a nod.

"Please, speak, Mr. Shepherd," prompted the judge for the sake of formality.

"It's… correct. Yes."

"Now, Mr. Shepherd, when you bumped into Mr. Dunn in the entrance to the store, did you by any means suspect who he was, what he just did seconds earlier?"

Derek's eyes grew wide and his breathing once again became labored.

"Your Honor, this is not a correct line of defense," the district attorney objected instantaneously.

"Let me rephrase that question," said Meredith raising her hand. "Mr. Shepherd, how did Mr. Dunn look like when you found yourself face to face with him? You clearly remember his face, tell us how it looked like?"

Derek squinted at the district attorney and then at the judge who prompted him to speak once again.

When he looked back at her, straight into her eyes, she saw in his expression something that was not there earlier. A kind of fire, anger, betrayal. She knew she deserved. For a moment, she feared he was going to speak up. Not in order to answer the question but to personally reproach her. And that would be the end of everything.

"How dare you?" he muttered with a strangled voice.

"Mr. Shepherd," reacted the judge. "While I understand your anguish, I'm asking you to stick to the protocol and answer the question, nothing more, nothing less."

"His pupils were dilated, his face rigid, his movements uncoordinated," he recited hollowly. He already knew what she had in mind. A part of him was amazed how she led him on to that conclusion, another absolutely livid.

"These symptoms you have just enumerated," went on Meredith. "They are all symptoms of the acute stress reaction, aren't they?"

"Objection!" growled the attorney. "Mr. Shepherd is not here to give professional opinion."

"We have already established that Mr. Shepherd is a specialist. The question I addressed to him is by no means misdirected."

"It is not," agreed heavily the judge, "but in these circumstances-"

"I beg your pardon, Your Honor, but Mr. Dunn was subjected to no medical evaluation immediately after his arrest, which I regard as serious negligence in the proceedings."

"Very well, Miss Grey. Just this one question. Please, answer, Mr. Shepherd."

"Yes, it would suggest post traumatic shock."

"You thought he was a victim when you saw him, that he got injured, didn't you-"

"Objection!"

"I withdraw that!" agreed Meredith. "That is all on my part, thank you."

Usually, after making a point she felt a sense of satisfaction. Not this time. This time, she felt as if she had killed somebody. When she sat down at her place, she busied herself with her papers avoiding even looking in his directions as he stepped down heavily and made it back through the aisle to where his family was seated.

"Looks like you've just blown up your would-be relationship," she heard Cristina's voice in her ear when her friend leaned towards her over the bar.

A shiver went all the way down through her body when Meredith leaned her heated forehead against the cool windowpane. Even though her shadow blocked the light coming from the room behind her, she couldn't see much outside. Mother nature was lashing out, sending waves of torrential rain all over the world.

She had expected it to end like that. She had foreseen the pain. Yet, she had no regrets about Friday night. Would the pain really be lesser if she had had the will to sent Derek out? Doubtful. At least, she had a precious memory to hold onto, an intangible yet clear proof that she wasn't denied great passions in her life as she came to suspect. She had thought she was cursed. Even her own mother fell hard and fast once in her life, had a torrid affair at the workplace, broke her marriage… It ended badly, true, but Meredith was certain Ellis never regretted it, that the few months with the man she fell in love with were worth all the crap that came later.

She was shook from her confused musings by the sound of the phone and she moved to pick it up with a sigh. She thought she was done for the day. If it was work related, she would kill the person on the other end. Her forehead creased in a surprised frown when she read the ID of the caller. Derek.

Why was he calling her? It was all said and done between them. They were through, how could they not? The phone kept on ringing. She briefly considered ignoring the call but… maybe they needed a kind of closure.

"Derek," she said softly.

"We need to talk," he breathed. Even though he tried, he couldn't conceal the emotion in his voice.

"About what?" she sighed pinching the bridge of her nose. "Let's not hurt each other further and leave it like that-"

"Leave it like what?" he asked harshly.

"We knew what it was going to be like. We gave it a try. Now we know it can't exist. Do you honestly have any illusions left after today?" she tried to reason with him. She really wished he would listen to her for once, giving him more pain was the last thing she wanted.

"All I know is that we need to talk," he insisted adamantly. "I'm coming over."

"What? Derek-"

"I'll be at your place in fifteen minutes."

"Derek!" Too late. The line went dead before she had the chance to finish her sentence. She closed her eyes and let out a long shaky breath. the panic attack was short-lived though. She collected herself in an instant and with a completely cool head, strode to the guest room where her mother was staying.

"Mom," she said peeking her head inside. "That was the hospital. They say there was an emergency, they need you."

Ellis rolled her eyes with annoyance putting down her reading materials. "What hospital?"

"Mercy," Meredith lied on the spot. She knew it won't really matter that no one called for her mother. They would certainly be pleased to keep her as long as possible.

"I told them I'm not on their beck and call," grumbled Ellis but she got up to get her bearings nonetheless. "Now they're just milking it."

Meredith pretended to be busy in the kitchen trying not to appear too suspicious or eager to see Ellis go but she did nervously count the passing minutes. She knew better than to take Derek's promise lightly. Any moment now, he would appear on her doorstep, bumping straight into Ellis Grey. And then… all hell would break loose. She had enough problems with her mother already. She was chided by her since she came back from the court in the afternoon.

"I'm taking the key, Meredith, I probably won't be back soon."

Not even two minutes passed when she heard the frantic knocking.

"Did you meet anyone on the way?" she asked biting down on her lips in apprehension and ushering him inside. He was this close from coming face to face with her mother.

"No," he muttered off-hand, fixing his regard on her face, the force of it making her feel self-conscious.

"What did you want to talk about, Derek?" she asked pulling her hair behind her ears somewhat nervously. "You know the situation."

"I wanted…" he faltered.

She forced herself to meet his eyes and the silent spectacle of emotions she saw in them both thrilled her and scared her.

"I wanted…" he whispered again. "Damn it, Meredith!" he cursed and before she could even blink he was with her. She felt his hands on the sides of her face; his lips against hers, hard, hot, insistent, needy. Taking advantage of her bewilderment, he deepened the kiss with a stifled moan. His tongue took possession of her mouth, arrogantly, thoroughly.

It was the quickest decision she ever made yet one of the most conscious. Was she going to regret allowing it? Possibly. Probably. This contact, the most intimate they ever shared, was a highway to hell, in more than one ways. Yet, she would regret much more putting an end to this. No one ever clung to her like that in her whole life, no one kissed her with equal abandon. So instead of stopping the passionate madness still unharmed, she reciprocated the pressure of his lips and entangled her fingers into his raven locks.

Derek waited for no further cue. He was certainly not the one in control of his actions. He craved to be close to her since he met her but after today… he also wanted to have her, to possess her. To control her the way she controlled him in the courtroom.

His hands barely touched her torso when he caught the hem of her lavender sweater to pull it frantically over her head. Not giving her any reprieve, he pressed his mouth onto her pulse point while his hands instantaneously grabbed at her bra. He wanted her, nothing else mattered.

Any reservation she might had flew out of the window as she gave into her own arousal and excitement, the overpowering feeling that she was wanted and desired. Her fingers trembling, she fumbled with the buttons of his shirt. As his teeth dug lightly into the skin of her neck he helped her discard his own clothes to the floor, and groaned uncontrollably as he felt her full breasts under his fingers.

She let out a shaky gasp at his slightly rough grip but a shiver of wild longing shot through her organism straight to her core. As he pushed her further into the living room, he reached out for his next target – her jeans, accidentally pressing their middles together. Her breathing quickened at the feel of how much he wanted her. She let him steer her backwards and they bumped into the coffee table sending the case file onto the floor.

They stumbled onto the couch, the same one on which Derek had spent the night at her apartment. Meredith closed her eyes tightly, she was about to burn alive because of all Derek was doing to her. His hands were everywhere, possessive, relentless. Her own palms glided softly across his shoulders, his neck, his scalp. Molten heat pooled at her core when he dragged the last piece of her clothing from her legs, completely uncovering her. Her body spastically arched upwards at the rough feel of his jeans against the smooth skin of her inner thighs. She was on fire, yearning and uninhibited like with no one else before.

She blindly searched for his lips, she wanted more kisses, more caresses, more everything. Just as though he was reading her mind, he tore the rest of his clothing away and pinned her down the cool leather couch with the weight of his body. She cracked her eyes open just a little wanting to see what Derek was feeling, what was going through his head. He didn't catch her look, his regard was erring chaotically, following invisible paths on her skin. Sheer determination was written on his face, a tension that he desperately sought to relieve.

Her eyelids shut tight again as he pushed into her, making her gasp. A fleeting wince marred her features as she stretched to accommodate him but it was gone as quickly as it came when she felt the pleasure rebuild inside her. His initial movements were surprisingly slow, as though the warmth she enveloped him in woke him up. He relapsed into the passionate frenzy soon enough though, he couldn't help meeting her halfway when her throaty unrestrained moans reached his ears. Seconds before he gave into the orgasmic bliss, her world exploded with a thousand different colors.

Silence. For the last half hour they lay on the floor of Meredith's living room, where they fell sometime in the throes, in a complete silence. In stark contrast to their recent tryst, all physical connection was severed, not even a look passed between them.

An audible sigh beside her told Meredith his anger was over. She knew well enough what was going to make an appearance now – guilt.

"Why did you let me…?" he asked quietly, his body immobile, his regard fixed on the ceiling.

"I didn't let you anything," she shrugged, her voice absolutely calm. "I let myself. For now, I don't have any regrets."

"I used you," he muttered rubbing his forehead with frustration.

"What makes you think I didn't use you?" she asked straightforwardly, her eyebrow arched up. She rolled to Derek's side, propping her head on her palm.

He rolled his eyes at her disbelievingly but turned his head to look at her.

"You don't know me all that much, Derek," she stated simply, a trace of smile on her face. If anything, they used each other. "So don't feel bad. You gave me what I wanted."

"What is that?" he squinted at her curiously.

She gave him another smile instead of an answer. He couldn't resist any longer and he let his eyes wander along her bare form. In the whirl of angry sex, he didn't give much time to a full appreciation of her body. What a shame, it was a spectacle.

"You're beautiful," he whispered in attempt to at least partially make up for neglecting her needs earlier. To his slight surprise, when he refocused on her face, he noticed a rosy hue of blush on her cheeks.

"Thank you," she answered in a tiny voice.

"So… what now?" Derek asked with a quickening pulse.

"I guess it's a goodbye," she chuckled and swallowed hard to prevent her throat from constricting dangerously. Some things just weren't meant to be. She knew so many life histories that she didn't even feel disappointment.

Derek seemed momentarily torn between the realization that he should stand up and leave making the lives of both of them easier and the deep sense of unfairness. Finally, he scooted closer to her, and leaned towards her face brushing her arm tenderly.

"I don't want this to be a goodbye."

"Derek, you don't really think that," she smiled sadly.

"I-"

"Deep down, you despise me."

"I don't," he assured her fervently. "When I… when I walked out of that courtroom today I was livid, I thought I hated you as much as that man but… I can't. I couldn't even if I wanted to. The thought that I would walk out of here and never speak to you again scares me. I feel like there's nothing out there for me to go."

Letting out a small sigh, she lifted her hand to touch his cheek. He was being sincere.

"I'm sorry, Derek. So sorry," she whispered melting against him, wishing she had enough self-restraint to resist the temptation.

**A/N As usual, I'm humbly asking for your opinions. **

**Chapter 11 should be up next week. Also, I've started a new lighter fic****. If you feel depressed with BBAW, check it out.**

**And of course, Happy Grey's Day! After all the spoilers I've read and watched I'm so excited to the see the finale…**

**Em**


	11. Chapter 11: Give Peace A Chance

**A/N Thank you for your feedback!**

**Without further ado.**

It was warm, good, safe. His eyelids felt too heavy to lift but he didn't have to. He just slipped from slumber into consciousness, fleetingly, as usual before the sound of the alarm. He huffed lightly, nuzzled his face into the pillow to achieve a bit more comfortable position and was absolutely ready to drift off again.

Before his mind shut again, he felt a delicate touch on his cheek, then a tingling as a stray lock of hair was pushed from his forehead.

"Derek."

He let out a deep relaxed breath. Good, he was still dreaming after all. Or rather he was in this weird limbo when you couldn't tell the dream from wakefulness. Any way, it was good because he was dreaming about her. He would recognize this soft voice anywhere.

"Derek."

The voice was stronger. He became aware of the slight coldness on his body where the quilt left him uncovered. His eyes fluttered open to meet Meredith's green orbs.

"Hey," she smiled. "I'm sorry to wake you up but… I'll need to head out to… well, work soon and there's my mother who can be back from her shift any minute now."

"Oh, right," he muttered understandingly stretching out on her bed. "What time is it?"

"Just over six."

Even though Meredith was sitting beside him in a bathrobe and already wearing makeup, he was still naked under the covers, just as they went to bed last night. They didn't share a sex marathon. The angry intercourse on the living room floor was the first and only one, at least for now. But both of them had been too weak – Derek to stand up and leave, Meredith to ask him to. Instead, she took him to her bedroom. Again.

"Your clothes are all here," she said softly placing his belongings at the foot of the bed.

He slowly sat up, keeping his eyes on her as she crossed the room and opened the closet to choose an outfit for the day.

"Do you regret it?" the question seemed to roll off his tongue.

She gave him a simple look over her shoulder. "No."

"Meredith?" he asked unsurely. "Do you think we can… see each other tonight? I... we should talk. Just talk."

She fully turned to him and answered without giving it much thought. "Okay."

Derek slowly made his way through Seattle Grace Hospital, his workplace, a kind of second home. Now it was also the place where his father died on the operating table. He hadn't been here for more than a week. At first, he was furious with Richard for sending him home. But the Chief knew what he was doing. He hadn't been able to make a damn suture. He was ready now though. Something changed in him last night. He was not exactly sure what and how. Was it the sex with Meredith? Was it releasing the tension he was feeling since the fatal day? The fact that Meredith didn't turn him down? Anyway, it worked. Somehow, suddenly, his father's death didn't seem larger than life. He could see himself working, living, being happy some day. He was ready to get control of his life back. Of course, he could do without the looks of commiseration and encouraging pats on the shoulder he was getting from his colleagues. He wanted to feel normal again.

Well, _that_ certainly seemed normal enough. He chuckled under his breath when he stopped before the door to Mark's office.

Not bothering to knock, he yanked open the door and said with a hint of amusement in his voice. "I guess some things don't change."

His smiled widened as his brother and an intern he was leaning towards jumped apart.

"Derek!" Mark let out a deep breath rubbing his neck distractedly. "For God's sake, don't do that, man!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," he snickered. "I hope I didn't interrupt anything…"

Mark sent him a glare while the intern went beet red.

"No! Absolutely!" she hurried to assure, tucking her hair nervously behind her ears. "It's… nothing… totally nothing! I'll just… go do my thing…" she muttered under her breath embarrassedly.

"Right, Dr… Grey…" He finished with a hesitation in his voice and a small curious frown. When he spotted her in an almost compromising position with Mark, he was slightly surprised. Lexie Grey was a talented hardworking intern, certainly not the one to sleep around at the hospital, especially not with one of her bosses. Just as he vocalized her name, he registered the coincidence. Meredith Grey. Purely a coincidence for sure.

"It's… not a coincidence, Dr. Shepherd," she answered with an apologetic face, as though she was reading his mind.

"What is not a coincidence?"

"Meredith… you know, Meredith Grey, she is my sister," went on Lexie, her eyes wary but determined. "And I know it's… awkward or… but she's a really great person and… she's just doing her job."

"Oh," Derek's eyebrows arched up in surprise. "The world is small."

"It… is," said Lexie, this time unnerved by the apparent lack of stronger reaction. She thought he would be angry and here he was surprised and curious. "My sister, she's… not a horrible person."

"Okay," nodded Derek.

"Okay," she breathed out with a smile. "It's really good to see you back, Dr. Shepherd."

"Okay?" choked Mark after her departure, skepticism and suspicion painting on his face.

"Okay," he repeated Derek sitting down in one of the chairs. "Now your turn."

"What happened to you?" frowned Mark and moved closer to Derek sizing him up.

"I've come to terms with some issues, I believe," he answered sincerely. "I'm going back to work."

"Wow, it's kind of sudden."

"It was time," shrugged Derek.

"Except yesterday you were a wreck, not to mention planning how to murder Dunn's lawyer."

"Just as Dr. Grey said, she's just doing her job," he said.

"Hmm," huffed Mark pensively. "And last night you spent at…?"

"Ah, you talked to Mom."

"Of course I talked to Mom," snorted Mark. "You spend another night God knows where and you expect her not be worried."

"Unnecessarily," sighed Derek. "I was just fine."

"Oh, I think you were more than fine," Mark squinted his eyes knowingly. "You saw that chick, the one you cried with. You… you got laid! That's why you're full of I'm at peace crap!"

"I… did," Derek admitted lamely, tapping his fingers at the desk.

"Well, congratulations."

"No congratulations," cut Derek. "I'm surprised she still wants to see me. I was… angry."

"Ah," acknowledged Mark, sitting on his desk with a face of the expert in the field. "So you fucked her. You stormed out of the court, went to the woman you were head over hills crazy about… and you had angry sex with her. Smooth, Shep."

"You make it sound dirty."

"That's what angry sex usually is."

"I guess."

"God, she must have a thing for you because, a little tip for the future, women don't like to be used."

"I just can't believe you said that!"

"Hey, I resent that! I am a very sensitive man."

"You can drop the game now, I'm not the doe eyed naïve intern."

"I haven't touched the intern!"

"Right," Derek stopped him with a roll of his eyes. "Did you know… who her sister was?"

"She did tell me," admitted Mark heavily. "I didn't… want to get you upset."

"I'm not upset."

"Because you get laid. Anyway, you know who that Meredith Grey is?"

"Um, I thought she was Dunn's defense counselor," he said shifting uncomfortably in his chair.

"She's Ellis Grey's daughter," whispered Mark dramatically.

"Ellis Grey? The Ellis Grey?" Derek actually let his jaw slacken. Meredith was Ellis Grey's daughter? Did he seriously joke about medical genius Ellis Grey being a stripper a couple of days ago? Shit, he almost met Ellis Grey last night!

He cleared his throat and asked instead, "I never heard we had Ellis Grey's daughter aboard."

"Oh, Lexie's not her daughter," explained Mark. "Half-sisters, the same father."

Derek nodded slightly. Who would have thought he would learn so many interesting things about Meredith from none other than Mark. Still, he preferred to be learning them from Meredith. He stood up hastily. "I'll talk to you later, I need to see Richard."

"Derek," Mark's voice made him stop at the door. "Good thing you're back. It really… wasn't the same without you."

"Thanks Mark."

"You really rocked there, bitch!" Cristina whispered to her appreciatively as she caught up with her on the corridor.

"Thanks," Meredith smiled. It wasn't like they had breakthrough. But she definitely managed to somewhat milden the image of her client in the eyes of the jurors.

"Don't be so modest, I'm complimenting you here!" growled Cristina. "Seriously, you were like walking on water on something!"

Meredith's smile grew only larger which made Cristina yank on her arm out of a sudden.

"Wait a minute," she breathed out staring at her person unabashedly. "You are… happy…"

"I'm not happy," Meredith shook her head decidedly.

"Fine, then you're not miserable."

"And apparently, it's a bad thing."

"Cut the crap," ordered harshly Cristina. "Tell me you didn't to the thing I think you did you're going to regret."

"Cristina," she sighed at her friend's relentlessness. "Fine, I can honestly say I didn't do anything I'm going to regret. Satisfied?"

"Not at all," muttered Cristina under her breath and followed her down the vast hall. "So, was he any good?" she asked innocently. "Cause he looks like he might be good."

"What… what are you talking about?"

"Look, Mer, me – not an idiot."

Meredith bit at her lip and then fired, "Fine! He came over last night and we had hot angry sex."

"Thank you for your honestly," nodded Cristina. "Was it good?"

"It was the best sex on my life," Meredith replied patiently in hope Cristina would desist.

"Woah," gasped Cristina and leaned over for discretion. "How many times?"

"Seriously?" Meredith scrunched her face. "What else are you going to ask me? The location? Or the position?"

"Well, if it was the best sex of your life," shrugged Cristina. "Must have been something."

"I… one time, we did it once," admitted Meredith.

"You're falling for him."

"I…" Meredith didn't even have the urge to deny.

"You're falling for him so hard and fast it hurts to watch."

"I'm committing a complete idiocy, right?" Meredith halted abruptly and faced her best friend expectantly.

"Yeah, you are," confirmed Cristina straightforwardly. "But since you haven't quit so far, I don't see you quitting anytime soon."

"It just… feels like I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life if I do…"

"Just promise me on thing. You're playing with fire. Please, try not to burn your hands."

"I will try," she gave her a small smile.

"Good," nodded Cristina and they resumed their walk. "Want to go for a drink? You can tell me more about the best sex of your life."

"I can't… I'm…"

"Let me guess, having more of the best sex in your life."

"No!" Meredith looked at her with half-glare, half-smirk. "We're going to talk. It's time."

Meredith quickly rang the doorbell. She didn't want to spend more time on the staircase outside Derek's apartment than it was necessary. If someone got the wind of the true nature of their relationship, whatever that was, it would be a catastrophe.

"You came," Derek greeted her with a smile letting her come in. He seemed more at peace than yesterday but a tad insecure. And easily handsome with a blue button down and black slacks.

"That's what we agreed on," she answered curiously looking around his flat. The whole arrangement screamed male. Hardwood floors, leather furniture, darker toned colors. It didn't make her feel overwhelmed, rather domestic, safe. "It's… nice in here," she remarked when he took her coat, brushing her arm in the process. It made her shiver, bringing vivacious memories of last night.

"Thank you. I haven't been here for over a week. I cleaned up the whole place this afternoon to make it look habitable."

"It reflects you," she stated with s smile.

"How so?" he asked her curiously inviting her into the kitchen area.

"Well, I can read strength of character, perseverance… deep emotionality. A kind of serenity," she replied pensively.

"So I pass the test?" he smiled up.

"You can say so," she chuckled back.

"Do you want something to drink? I'm… I'm making dinner. Are you hungry?"

"My friends say I'm in a state of constant starvation," she joked. "So, you cook," she said in awe.

"I… it's a steak… but we can order something…"

"Steak is good," she nodded reassuringly and stood beside him. "Just relax, Derek. It's just me."

"Not… not just…" he breathed out when he felt her thumb caress the top of his hand and she climbed to her tiptoes to press the most delicate of kisses onto his cheek.

By the time they sat down to have their meal in the living room lit only by the soft glow of candles, he still seemed just a little tense.

"You seem to know how to romance a girl," she grinned sipping the wine.

"Actually, I haven't…" he hesitated. "I haven't dated anyone for a long time. I figured… I didn't have time. And then my world turned upside down… and I met you."

"Funny how it turns out sometimes," she admitted.

"Unbelievable," he sighed. "So, how was your day?"

Meredith gave him a sharper wary look. "Do you honestly want to know?"

He gulped but looked at her sincerely. "Yes, I want to know. I want to be able to ask you about your day without this hanging around our heads."

"I guess, it was good," she admitted cautiously. "We made progress." She watched him process it slowly but knew better than to elaborate. "How was your day?"

"Not bad either. I went to the hospital, going back to work tomorrow."

"That's great! You feel ready?"

"I think I do. I met your sister today," he chuckled. "Or rather I learnt that Dr. Lexie Grey is your sister."

"Sorry I didn't tell you. I knew you were her boss. I just didn't want to complicate things for any of us."

"That's okay," he smiled calmly. "It was funny though. Uncanny."

"How is she doing?" asked Meredith curiously. "She was so excited when she started the internship."

"She is excited," laughed Derek. "I think she's got it in her to be a great surgeon."

"That's good to hear. I was kinda worried about her."

"Well, she seems to have a crush on Mark."

"Your brother, the plastic surgeon? Yeah, I gathered as much."

"So, you talk about… him…" he murmured, his eyes twinkling suddenly.

"Well, she talks about her job 90% of time," she shrugged.

"Oh, did she say anything about me?"

"Sure," she answered non-commitally.

"Oh, come on," he whined. "I need to know whether I should send her on scut next time I see her."

Meredith giggled freely, a bit elated they were able to maintain an easy conversation. "Well, I heard that you're a neurogod and a great guy."

"Good, she might deserve to be in my OR," he nodded with amused approval.

"God, that was such I'm-surgeon-almighty tone!" she called on him.

"It was not," he rolled his eyes.

"It so was. Trust me, I can tell."

"Your mother?" he asked with barely contained excitement.

"You know about that too?" she slapped her forehead in a desperate gesture.

"How could you not tell me your mother was the Ellis Grey?"

"Precisely because you want to dump me now and run away with her!" she grinned.

"I so do not!" he huffed. "But I wouldn't refuse meeting her…"

"Seriously?" her eyebrows rose hilariously. "You're like a giggling schoolgirl."

"She's a celebrity," he defended himself.

"My mother doesn't like giggling schoolgirls. Besides… you know it's impossible right now."

"Yeah," he sighed.

"But you know what?" she bit her lip. "My Mom thinks you're talented."

"No way! She heard about me? The Ellis Grey thinks I'm talented?" Meredith almost burst laughing. Yup, a giggling schoolgirl.

"You know, if we're already in the boosting your ego mode, I'll let you know Lexie told me you're really popular at the hospital," she said with a sly grin.

"Popular?"

"McDreamy," she quipped.

"Okay, we're changing the subject."

"No, no, I think it's really fitting!" she laughed softly.

"Go on, make fun of me," he dropped his hands in defeat.

"Seriously, you're McDreamy. The eyes… and the hair… and the smile…" she trailed off feeling herself blush as he now gazed at her attentively.

"Don't mind me, go one," he encouraged her good-naturedly.

A bit disgruntled that the tables were turned Meredith finished flustered, "And you're a great cook."

"Obviously," he snickered, her eyes sweeping her completely cleaned plate.

"You better not be suggesting that I eat too much."

"I'll be happy to cook for you any time," he assured with a disarming charm. "I have dessert," he promised standing up to collect the dishes but she caught his wrist and prompted him to sit beside her on the couch.

"Let's just… I don't know… be about us for a moment. I love that we get to know each other but…"

"Just us," he repeated taking her hands in his.

"Derek… are we… are we trying to have a relationship?"

"I'd want that… very much."

"From a normal person's point of view it's impossible."

"Are you assuming we're not normal?" he chuckled lightly.

"Not quite," she replied humorously. "There must be something wrong with our heads."

"More likely with our hearts," he whispered.

Speaking of hearts, the one beating in Meredith's chest pounded like mad at Derek's admission.

"So you think it's worth it too, right?"

"Of course it is, you're worth it," he whispered as they leaned forward so very slowly meeting in a delicate kiss, just a brush of lips.

She exhaled deeply and lowered her eyes for a moment. "Derek, I… we need to take things slow. Not… not a repeat of last night every time we see each other. This is not a cheap affair for me or a way to get more thrill."

"No, it's not," he agreed. "It's real. And I'm not really a guy who chases for casual relationships."

"I figured you weren't. But… this is not a normal situation, it's as far from normal as it can possible be. It's easy to misinterpret feelings."

"Except that I'm not," he smiled. "I am a bit overwhelmed with everything that's been going on but… I'm sure of this… with you…"

"But if anything changes… please, tell me," she whispered as he moved closer to take her into his sweet embrace. She got a momentary flash from her childhood of the man she knew was her mother's lover leaving Ellis.

"It won't," he murmured softly. "I don't think I could handle it."

"Just be honest," she said, her fingers tracing patterns over his side. Right now, he was with her in flesh and blood and they were making a sort of commitment. And it was incredibly big of Derek.

"I don't want to hurt you too."

"I know."

They completely relaxed into each other, allowing themselves relish their newfound intimacy.

**A/N As always, asking for your commentary.**

**I have received quite a number of questions about my other fic, "I Am The Ocean", so let me answer them here. I didn't abandon it but somehow I've been always more busy with another story. I am going to post for it in the near future and I'm sorry for keeping you hanging.**

**Em**


	12. Chapter 12: Open Book

**A/N I'm sorry (once again) for the recent lack of updates, I've been absorbed with my newest fic. **

**I'll really try not to neglect BBAW again, I want to tell this story to the end without any more glitches.**

**Thank you for your interest and your comments!**

**Enjoy!**

Derek scrubbed his hands vigorously, a little more meticulously than usual, a little longer. It was his first day back in the saddle. His first procedure. He tried to push it to the back of his mind but he felt a tad nervous. Did the recent events shake his confidence as a surgeon? He was reduced to the helpless role of the patient's family while now he was supposed to switch back to being the god deciding on human life and death.

He took a deep calming breath, evoking Meredith's soft voice in his head. They parted relatively early last night, not willing the physicality to take over their relationship. They spent at least twenty minutes on the phone this morning though. They were just insatiable for closeness. They couldn't stay apart for too long before the longing became unbearable. His lips naturally stretched in a smile at the recollection how sweet and expectant she sounded when she murmured she looked forward to seeing him this evening.

He suddenly felt a gentle shove on his elbow. He turned his head left and then down. Bailey. She was staring at him with suspicious eyes.

"Miranda," he smiled and it was genuine. Miranda Bailey might be known as Nazi to her interns but she had the heart in the right place. Plus, she had a soft spot for him even though she'd choose to die before admitting it. He was relieved she was going to assist him on his first ride back. If one was looking for a hard-ass professional, that was Miranda Bailey. "Good to see you."

"Yeah, I was just trying to tell you it was good to see your hair parading back in the hospital," she grumbled. "I put emphasis on trying as you seemed to be gone in your little dreamy world."

"Ah, you're as chirpy as ever," he chuckled at her grouchy expression."

"And you're as happy as ever," she raised her eyebrow as she moved to clean her hands.

"You didn't expect me to stay nuts forever, right?"

Momentarily, she forgot about scrubbing her hands and turned to face him, her eyes wide and penetrating. "What is wrong with you?"

"Wrong? Absolutely nothing!"

"Seriously! I am more than relieved you're not an emotional wreck as I expected but… you're not normally this…" she trailed off and squinted at him. "Are you high on something?"

"What? Now I'm just offended," he rolled his eyes.

"You are high," she muttered knowingly. "High in the I've-got-a-girl way."

"And that would be so bad?" he asked not denying her assumption.

"I didn't say that," she shrugged. "It's actually about damn time to find yourself a nice levelheaded girl. Just tell me you're not fawning over my impressionable interns like your manwhore best buddy."

"No, not impressionable," he laughed. "And certainly not interns. But… you know about…?"

"The doctorcest that's about to happen? I'm Bailey, I know everything."

"I hope you don't," he muttered under his breath.

"What? What did you say?" she barked out. "Now you see. You say something like this and I've got to question your sanity all over again."

"I'm touched by your concern," he chuckled.

She shook her head impatiently and hurried to the OR holding her sterile hands up in the air.

Derek smiled to himself under his mask. Yes, he was high on Meredith.

**BETWEEN BLACK AND WHITE**

Her hands firmly grasping her briefcase, Meredith stood on the steps to the courthouse watching the guards take her client to the van in order to transport him back to prison. She sighed with regret. The case wasn't going bad. She was careful, trying to be both humble and assured. She managed to keep the risk of death penalty at bay for now, she liked to think. If only William Dunn wouldn't do anything stupid.

Her biggest failure in this case was the complete lack of communication between her and her client. She always achieved to establish some common ground with people she was representing. It was invaluable to prepare the convenient line of defense, one that seemed believable in the eyes of the jury and not revealing too much. Dunn was a closed book. She could only vaguely assume what was going inside him, based on her own observation and Dr. Wyatt's opinion.

And it led to something that she didn't yet dare to admit to herself. She was slowly but steadily losing her emotional neutrality. She often felt for her clients, it was just the way she was. It made her fight stronger for them. In more 'delicate' cases in which her client was the culprit who committed morally reprehensible acts she distanced herself emotionally. She was a cool professional. Not this time, she wasn't.

Apart from the irritation and impatience which would be utterly expected given his attitude. She flt a hostile emotion growing in herself, resembling hatred too much for her comfort. The man that sat beside her at the defense table, walked along her in the courthouse hall, the one she was supposed to defend, killed Derek's father. He made her precious Derek suffer. Him and his entire family. His kind mother who was in the courtroom everyday observing the trial.

Meredith Grey, the defense attorney, reached the stage when protecting her client was creating a conflict of interests to herself…

With a sigh, she readjusted her scarf around her neck and trotted to the street before she was spotted by photo reporters. She had some free time, she could got to Joes. She didn't see him and the team for a while now.

"Look who's here!" Joe's booming voice greeted her as soon as she crossed the threshold, making her smile. "The prodigal daughter!"

She trotted to the counter with an apologetic smile. "Hey, Joe," she leaned across the bar to plant a kiss onto his chick.

"You're not off the hook that easily," he quipped.

"Where have you been girl?" questioned her Liz, one of the waitresses.

"You know," she shrugged. "Busy. The case."

"Right, the case," Jen squinted at her suspiciously. "So, how is that going?

"It's fine, but I haven't really come here to talk about it. I just left the court."

"But… what is he like, that guy?" Liz paused her work looking at her with curiosity. "The murderer? Is he like an average guy next door that you'd never believe was capable of coldblooded killing? Or a real psycho?"

"You could… call him creepy," answered Meredith with hesitation. She shouldn't hold it against Liz, she was just naturally curious this way, but her personal involvement in the affair made it difficult to stay impartial.

"Cool," the petite waitress breathed out excitedly.

"Shoo, Liz," Jenny elbowed her out of the way. "Get back to work, it's my turn now. What can I get you, Mer? Coffee? Some snack?"

"Yes, please. Coffee and cheesecake."

"So, I was watching TV the other night," remarked lightly Jen.

"Yeah?" Meredith inhaled the rich aroma of the strong black coffee. Just what she needed."

"I watched the news."

"Interesting," quipped Meredith inching her eyebrow.

"Not really," Jen shrugged her shoulders. "But I was hoping to hear something about the trial… and that was really interesting."

Meredith dived the little fork into the cake cautiously. She had bad feelings.

"You know, that guy you brought here for breakfast over a week ago?" Jen said very conversationally. "He looked awfully like one of the witnesses. One of the victims' son I guess."

"Really?" Meredith looked straight at her friend.

"Really. He had the same first name too."

Meredith knew it was no use in outright lying to Jen. She sighed in defeat, "Have you told anyone?"

"Of course not but…?" the waitress shook her head questioningly.

"I didn't know who he was at the time."

"I figured as much," nodded Jen. "In how much trouble would you be if it… you know?"

Meredith passed her finger over her throat.

"Oh my, and he… he didn't say anything? I mean, how did he react?"

"We… put it behind us. It was just a misunderstanding."

"You put it behind you? Both of you?" gasped Jen. "Oh, my god! Do you… do you actually keep seeing him?"

"Shh, I know it's crazy. I know already," muttered Meredith looking around.

"You poor thing," sighed Jen. "I know how he looked at you. Pure adoration in his eyes. I thought that made you'd finally found yourself a nice guy."

"I have… in a way…"

"You looked perfect together but how can you keep meeting him now? It must be terribly awkward… What are you anyway?"

"I don't know, we don't know. All we know is that it feels right…"

"Supposedly you make it through the trial… what next? Are you… are you going to meant his family? How will that work?"

"I… I don't know. We haven't planned that far into the future. It's… We're taking it slow."

"I've never seen you like that…" Jen whispered with a kind of surprise and perhaps amazement. "Throwing caution to the wind… Just allowing yourself to feel."

"It's just that he's… and he makes me feel…"

"Girl…" Jen's eyes almost popped out. "You're falling for him…"

"I… am not…" she defended herself weakly.

"You so are… damn, you poor girl."

"Jen, a client waiting for you," Joe appeared at her side.

Jen sent her the last knowing look and hurried away.

"So what did I miss on the gossip line?" he chuckled. "Oops, sorry, will be back in a sec. Busy day…"

Meredith watched him trot to take an order as she sipped on her coffee. Another person knew about her connection to Derek. Thankfully, she could trust Jenny as much as Cristina. She pondered on the waitress's words. Was she throwing caution to the wind? Probably. It was one hell of a madness. But it was such a sweet madness.

And was she really… falling for him? She had never been in love, she wouldn't know. However, id she was asked how falling in love should look like, her budding connection with Derek would fit her description pretty nicely.

There was the breathlessness, dizziness, weak knees… Skin burning in live fire under his touch, rippling pleasure of orgasm…

Worry.

It was Derek's first day at work after his involuntary leave of absence. She noticed the tinge of nervousness in his voice though he tried to hide it.

She toyed her cell in her hand. He wouldn't mind a call. She picked his number but and waited but with no result. He was probably in surgery.

**BETWEEN BLACK AND WHITE**

"Anything for me?" Derek asked the nurse as he deposited his patient's chart to the station.

"Nope, Dr. Shepherd," she shook her head. "But there's someone for you."

He turned around to see his mother getting up from one of the chairs lining the wall and walking into his direction.

"Ma," he came forward and planted a kiss onto her cheek. "What are you doing here? What happened?"

"Nothing happened," she chuckled. "I'm just visiting my son and you'll get all suspicious and worked up."

"And your visit has nothing to do with the fact that it's my first day back?" he asked cocking an eyebrow.

"Oh," she shook her head at him. "Kath gave me a lift from the court and I thought I'd see you you were doing."

"Thanks, Ma," he sighed. "So. How… how is that going?"

"Smoothly, I'd say. At this rate, I can see the end very soon."

"That's good," he said with obvious relief. The sooner the trial was finished, the sooner the obstacles for him and Meredith disappeared. "But… do you really have to keep going there until the end? I mean… I'm sorry I'm not there with you-"

"Sweetie, don't you apologize. This is my way of coping, you have a different one," she eyed him carefully. "And it seems to be working just fine."

He avoided her eyes and asked, clearing his throat. "Maybe… have you eaten lunch? We could go tom the cafeteria. I have a bit of free time…"

"That would be lovely," she agreed, even though she was not easily fooled. "Who is she?" she asked when they were seated at the a table over two coffees.

He stared at her with a stunned face but went to cover his surprise with apparent ignorance.

"Who is who?" he frowned.

"The woman who's brining the smile onto your face," she answered softly.

"I…" he trailed off not really knowing what to say.

"Mark hinted that you were seeing someone."

"Of course, Mark," he rolled his eyes.

"But I would have guessed without that information. You have that air about you I've never seen before," she smiled. "And only love can heal wounds so quickly."

"Love…" he gasped slightly. "It's a strong word…"

"It's a strong feeling," corrected him Carolyn and squeezed his hand over the table. "It's all right, Sweetie. I'm relieved there's a person at your side that can relieve part of your pain. I just wish I knew something about her."

"It's… it's very new, Mom," he sighed. How could he say anything about Meredith to his mother? How would he ever be able to? "It's complicated too…"

"She's not married, is she?" Carolyn gave him a sharp look.

"Honestly, Ma," he groaned.

"Well, I'm just curious what can complicated mean these days," she shrugged. "Does she work here?"

"No, she doesn't…"

"She doesn't. But… it's a she, right?"

"Mom," he laughed leaning back in his chair, thoroughly amused. "Did you just seriously ask me that?"

"You're being so mysterious…" she remarked, twinkles in her eyes.

"I can assure you it's a she," he informed her, a wide content smile on his lips as Meredith's face appeared before his eyes. "She's beautiful, she's kind. She cares about people. God, I… the words can't contain how wonderful she is."

"That's really good to hear," she sighed. "Does she feel the same about you?"

"She does. She- I'm sorry, Ma. That's one of my interns waiting for me. I just check what he wants and be right back, okay?"

She watched him join a younger man at the entrance to the cafeteria with a spring in his step. Her son was finally in love, that was as clear as day. By some unexpected twist of events, that feeling embraced him at most trying times like wings of an angel. Derek was clearly under the spell of that woman. She was she was just as exceptional in reality as in his description.

Derek's phone he left on the table with his wallet started to vibrate. She was to answer it when her eyes stopped at the ID of the caller... Oracle? A soft gasp of astonishment escaped her lips when she glanced on the image accompanying the caller's profile. It looked like it was taken with telephone camera. A young pretty woman, her sleeping face relaxed on a pillow, her golden hair splayed around. And the identity of the woman was no mystery to her. She saw her every day this week. The defense attorney. Meredith Grey.

It did not happen often that Carolyn Shepherd was at a complete loss what to say or think. But it happened now. She couldn't wrap her mind around it why her son would have her picture, such an intimate picture on her phone. It must have been made in bed… Why would he even have her private number? And the nickname… Oracle? He knew well enough who she was. And he maintained close relations with her?

Judging by his behavior when she asked him to take her to court the first time and then after he testified, Derek should despise that woman. Was there something that shouldn't be there and something that she overlooked?

Was that woman planning on using Derek? Even worse, was Derek planning on using her? The phone stopped ringing and she quickly put it away in its former place before her son came back to the table.

"I think there was a call for you," she told him impassively when he resumed his place.

She watched attentively as he took the little device in his hands. A brief smile lit up his face. A brief but fully fledged smile. Just like the one he sported talking about the mysterious woman in his life.

"Is it something important?" she probed.

"It is," he said sobering up quickly. "But… it can wait until we're finished."

She let out an inaudible sigh. She didn't even want to start to think how this could end.

**BETWEEN BLACK AND WHITE**

Meredith got off her car tucking the scarf closely around her neck up to her chin. It was a windy autumn day, an evening really, and it was even windier on water. She maneuvered the rows of cars parked on the lower deck of the ferry boat and climbed the stairs with anticipation. She had to admit it felt kind of surreal. Unreal. Like she was a heroine of a spy movie. It was equally exciting for sure.

The strong gush of air that hit her when she walked out onto the open deck took her breath away. A fleeting mind-blowing moment that left butterflies swirling in her belly. She shielded her eyes with her palm and pulling the hair from her face, her eyes sought his familiar form. She smiled when she found him slightly leaned against the railing, staring at the water and Seattle skyline. It wasn't difficult; at this hour and this weather only few commuters chose to go outside during the ride.

She quickly crossed the distance and surprised him by putting her palm on his back just under his shoulder blade.

"Hey," his face immediately lit up and reached to plant a kiss on her cheek and then on her lips.

"You look exhausted," she said as her eyes swept his face searchingly. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, don't worry," he sighed as they leaned into each other side by side, partly for warmth, partly for proximity. "That's just my long-and-difficult-shift face. That week off seems to have thrown me off my rhythm."

"You think you should have waited longer?" she murmured.

"No, I'm ready. It's time. It would get even more difficult I had put it off. And it's really good to be back to cutting. I missed it. Didn't even know how much."

She giggled. "I can imagine. My mother is impossible when she has a day off. You're going in tomorrow too?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "You know… everyone seems to just know we're seeing each other… I mean," he started to correct himself seeing the anxious look on her face. "Not that we are seeing each other. That I'm seeing someone. I feel like everyone can see right through me, like they can read me…"

"Like an open book?" she smiled helpfully. "I've got the same feeling. Jen, you remember her from Joe's, spent an hour today persuading me I'm in love…" she breathed out hesitantly and looked into his blue pools of eyes, instantly drowning in their depth. "Is… that what we are?"

"In love?" he grinned leaning his face closer to hers, his voice heated. "I think we must be… Meredith," his breath quickened as his arm sneaked around her waist pressing them together. "I know we agreed not to… cheapen what we have but…," his warm breath fanned her cheek, "I want you… You're… you're like a drug to me…"

"I…" she trembled in his arms, and it was not from the cold, "I want you, I need you too," she confessed and her eyes became hooded as she offered her lips to his kiss. Her hands grasped on his arms for support as their lips grazed against each other. His tongue tasted their pink soft sweetness and ever so gently pried between them into her moist cavern, both reverence and greed coursing inside him as he took her mouth. He yearned more and more, and never wanted to let go.

**A/N Please, comment****…**

**Yours,**

**Em**


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